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        New Message Board Archives >> 2004 Posts >> What I hate the most
        
(Message started by: Carl_D on Apr 17^th, 2004, 3:07am)

Title: What I hate the most
Post by Carl_D on Apr 17^th, 2004, 3:07am

I hate having a good dinner with a friend, when I suddenly have to bail due to a CH.
Trying to keep a band together, when thier biggest problem is alcohol, but mine is far worse cause I have CH.
No one around me gets it yet, after almost 17 years.
Playing with my niece, when I have to bail because of an oncoming CH.
Working so hard to make things go well, then a CH fucks it up.
The fact I have prayed to god a zillion times while punching my head in unintolerable pain, with no answer.
I am posting yet my zillionth whiney message.
I have worked so incredibly hard with so little to show.
I am a serial victim of the CH beast - wherever he may strike at any time - makes ya look crazy or aloof!
NOBODY FUCKING GETS IT YET - WHO THE FUCK WILL UNDERSTAND SOMEDAY!!!??!!!!
I Feel less than I am worth.
Everyday I live is subject to interruption.
The harder I try, the harder I fail!
No matter what I do, it goes sour!
I've lost the best friend I ever had due to this shit!
I lost my true love to this shit!
I am a slave to pain!
I am 1/4 of what I should be thanks to the blessed demon.
People think I am a lost cause because I battle this demon!
I fail at whatever I attempt!
Love holds no such thing as 'sickness and in health."
NOBODY GIVES A ROTTEN FUCK AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT AFFECT THEM!!!!
the worst part of all...
I plead with a god who may not exist for a resolution.

In short - I am hurting bad both emotionally and physicially!

Clusters have fucked up a life that could have been great, and I am subject to the consequenses of it.

Just venting,
Carl D

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by Turts on Apr 17^th, 2004, 3:41am

Vent away Brother!!!!

Scream at the heavens and curse at the floor.

It sounds like you having a hard time dude.
Some advise that my help and sound familiar:

Quote:

Though I may lose some of the battles, I will never succomb to the war inside my head!

Turts

p.s. if you read this soon, ill be in the chatroom waiting for you if youd like to talk

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by Sean_C on Apr 17^th, 2004, 4:24am

Yup thats the life we were givin'. It was a tad bit worse for the 10 years even I didn't know what they were never mind the docs.

Life has become easier the last 14 or 15 years thanks to meds.

Hang in there dude, more vibes

Sean

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by Mikey on Apr 17^th, 2004, 4:44am

Ditto Carl...........Ditto!!!!!

Mikey, :'(

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by Mac on Apr 17^th, 2004, 5:22am

I know what your going through Carl. Whats interesting is I'm a musician as well. I was playing a tavern tonight(just got home) and I had to deal with a fucking attack, I just caught it in time. But it's terrifying to think that it could happen in front of a crowd - a full house at that. It's cold up here right now so I could go outside and get that blast of cold air. Of course I had my Imitrex. I fucking hate this shit. Just when you start to relax and have a good time HE shows up. Try to explain to people whats going on and they look at you like your a fuck up. It sucks big time. Hang in there Carl. I figure there has got to be some reward somewhere for all this shit we go through. (wishful thinking?)

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by no-one on Apr 17^th, 2004, 11:28am

Carl_D,

You are not alone on how you feel(we have all felt this way more than once), I feel that you looked into me and wrote this about me. I could never expain the way I feel, but I don't have to you did it for me. I wish there was something I could do to help you, just say the word and its done. Don't worry about venting sometimes it helps just to let it out and thats what everyone is here for, to help.

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by Cerberus on Apr 17^th, 2004, 12:18pm

Quote:

I've lost the best friend I ever had due to this shit!
I lost my true love to this shit!

Carl....if these were people...you might want to change your criteria for friendship and love. It appears to me that if they didn't stick around cause of your pain then they really didn't love ya all that much.

Quote:

I am 1/4 of what I should be thanks to the blessed demon.

This comment ya might wanna reconsider too...seems to me the glass can be half empty or half full...you have already endured more pain that many people will in a lifetime...yet you still live.

Quote:

I fail at whatever I attempt!

Do you really? I doubt it...just because you don't achieve the degree of success you hoped to doesn't mean you failed totally. You are your own worst critic ya know.

Vent all you want Bro. but ya hafta considder that no matter where you are or who ya are we are here in support. It seems to me that you have forgotten that and in your despair disregard us as not all that important. But I have to ask.....of all the world, where have you been able to go to express your pain and suffering and everyone understands?????? thats right.....HERE! Do we not count?

Hope ya find peace dude.
Ramon

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by ZAIRA on Apr 17^th, 2004, 3:39pm

........And I hate to see you suffering...... :'( life is a bitch :'( !

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by Gator on Apr 18^th, 2004, 7:09am

on 04/17/04 at 03:07:00, Carl_D wrote:

Playing with my niece, when I have to bail because of an oncoming CH.

Been there, man, except it was with my grand daughter.

on 04/17/04 at 03:07:00, Carl_D wrote:

Working so hard to make things go well, then a CH fucks it up.

Was finally getting a little ahead of the bills and able to do things and go places with the wife and kids before my attacks started. Now am dodging phone calls, chasing bouncing checks and explaining that we can't go, can't do, can't have because we can't afford it. They understand, but I don't.

on 04/17/04 at 03:07:00, Carl_D wrote:

The fact I have prayed to god a zillion times while punching my head in unintolerable pain, with no answer.

Has shaken my faith and my mental and emotional state.

on 04/17/04 at 03:07:00, Carl_D wrote:

I Feel less than I am worth.

Having to take medication to help me feel like I am worthy of breathing. What kind of life is that?

on 04/17/04 at 03:07:00, Carl_D wrote:

In short - I am hurting bad both emotionally and physicially!

Clusters have fucked up a life that could have been great, and I am subject to the consequenses of it.

Just venting,
Carl D

I'm there with you - we all are. I'm sitting here looking at a desk drawer full of worthless promises of pain free days and nights right now. On top of my desk I see what may finally be onto a combination that works for me, but it sucks to think that I may have to be drugged up for the rest of my life to feel "normal" and not hurt like hell. But...I have a very supportive family here on this board and so do you.

Vent away, but when you think you are at the bottom, look around. Everyone on this board will be standing there to try to help you back up.

Gator
:'(All choked up, now.

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by miapet on Apr 18^th, 2004, 9:29am

I'm sorry for all of your pain . . .

I hate saying the 'it will get better' and the 'there is someone who understands and loves anyway' and all that stuff .. .but I believe it too . . .

*hugs*
*positive energy and light*
miapet

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by ChrisUhl on Apr 19^th, 2004, 6:47am

Hi Carl

Vibes and prayers for you. Please believe me when I say - you don't fail at everything you do. You're still alive inspite of CH. That's some accomplishment. More than most people would be capable of.

Here's a little something for both you and Mac. If you're out playing and the beasts attacks. Just play some Rammstein jam and let the CH dancing and pacing be part of the stage show. It looks pretty much the same. ;;D

Joke aside. Best of luck Carl.

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by Jeepgun on Apr 19^th, 2004, 10:39am

Carl, there are no failures. Ever. The only failure is a failure to learn the lessons that life hands us. You've attempted so much and done so many things; perhaps not to your degree of satisfaction, but that's okay: There is always one more step, so at least life never gets boring, right? Hang in there. Everyone falls down sometimes. The ones who pick themselves up time and again, dust themselves off, and get on with it: They are not the failures! Quite the opposite! They are life's TRUE WINNERS! My best to you.

-Frank

Title: Re: What I hate the most
Post by Charlie on Apr 19^th, 2004, 10:44pm

I've been there too....least when they began. I had a lot of nurse friends who almost understood once I got it diagnosed....If I hadn't been so reclusive, it would have been worse.

Beat the walls and scream Carl. You're entitled.

Sorry for the beating you take too.....in different forms.

Charlie