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        New Message Board Archives >> 2002-2004 Funnies and Jokes >> jokes - maybe you've heard 'em, maybe you haven't.
        
(Message started by: FZfan on Mar 4^th, 2004, 5:53pm)

Title: jokes - maybe you've heard 'em, maybe you haven't.
Post by FZfan on Mar 4^th, 2004, 5:53pm

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting around on a particularly slow foursome in front of them. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting here for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor interrupted, "Here comes the course marshal. Let's tell him about them." "Say, John! What's with that group ahead of us? They're really slow!" The marshal replied, "Them? Oh, they're that group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a big fire a few years ago, so we always let them play for free." The group was stunned. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anyway he can help them." The engineer said, "Why don't they play at night?"

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on how to dress. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got this advice. "Wear your most elegant suit and tie. Don't let them intimidate you." Confused, the man went to his rabbi. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A young woman asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied, 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes all the way up to your neck!' But then she asked her best friend, who said, 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' But then she went…" "Wait a minute, rabbi," the man interrupted, "exactly what does all this have to do with the IRS and me?" "Simple," said the rabbi. "No matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."

Three guys are in a bar, one from Dallas, one from the Bay Area, and one from Boulder. They got a little drunk and a lot rowdy. Suddenly, without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a big swig, threw the bottle high in the air, jerked a .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying the room with tequila and broken glass. The bartender shouted, "Hey, buddy! Why are you wastin' tequila?" The Texan replied, "Hell, it's just tequila. Where I come from, us Texans jes' go across the border and bring back all the tequila we want!" Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew, uncorked a bottle of wine, poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed it, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped it, tossed the bottle high in the air, shot it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, showering the room with wine and broken glass. The bartender, upset by the general lack of concern for safety, expressed his displeasure. The Californian replied, "Hell, it's just wine. Where I come from, we have all the wine we want!" The man from Boulder had observed all this quietly. Now he touched the crystal hanging around his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his ponytail, put down his guitar, borrowed a bottle opener from the bartender, popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it down, threw the empty bottle high into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took careful aim, ...and shot both the Californian and the Texan, then caught the falling bottle! The bartender yelled in disbelief, "Why'd you do that?" The Boulderite replied, "Where I come from we've got way too many Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles? Those can be recycled!"