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        New Message Board Archives >> 2002-2004 Funnies and Jokes >> The Damn Beavers
        
(Message started by: andy on Sep 20^th, 2003, 9:12pm)

Title: The Damn Beavers
Post by andy on Sep 20^th, 2003, 9:12pm

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist
all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
2003.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We
anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please
feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water
Management Division

Title: Re: The Damn Beavers
Post by andy on Sep 20^th, 2003, 9:13pm

** This is the actual response sent back: **

Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I
am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream
of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their
dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to
challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time
and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way
you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against
my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this
State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against
these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request
completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have
been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part
301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101
to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one
or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is
proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to
protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the
stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -
but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter - they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no
way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears
are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are
going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not
careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this dam response to your
dam office.
THANK YOU
RYAN DEVRIES + THE DAM BEAVERS