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        New Message Board Archives >> 2002-2004 Funnies and Jokes >> Noahs Ark 2003
        
(Message started by: andy on Aug 6^th, 2003, 10:41pm)

Title: Noahs Ark 2003
Post by andy on Aug 6^th, 2003, 10:41pm

> > Noah 2003 VERSION
> > It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States.
> > The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it
> rain
> > and cover the whole earth with
> > water until all is destroyed But I want you to save the righteous people
> > and two of every kind of living
> > thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
> > In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
> > Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
> > "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
> everything
> > aboard in one year."
> > Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all
> the
> > seas of the earth went into a
> > tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
> > "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
> > "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big
> > problems. First, I had to get a
> > permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I
> had
> > to hire an engineering firm and
> > redraw the plans.
> > Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
> fire
> > sprinkler system and floatation
> > devices.
> > Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
> > building the Ark in my front yard,
> > so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
> > I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban
> on
> > cutting trees to protect the
> > Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed
> the
> > wood to save the owls.
> > However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So,
> no
> > owls.
> > The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
> > I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I
> have
> > 16 carpenters on the Ark, but
> > still no owls.
> > When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal
> > rights group. They objected to me
> > only taking two of each kind aboard.
> > Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
> > complete the Ark without filing an
> > environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take
> > very kindly to the idea that they
> > had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
> > Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new
> flood
> > plain. I sent them a globe.
> > Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
> > Employment Opportunity Commission that
> > I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people
> > aboard!
> > The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
> > preparation to flee the country to
> > avoid paying taxes.
> > I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and
> > failed to register the Ark as a
> > recreational water craft."
> > Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
> > construction of the Ark, saying that
> > since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore
> > unconstitutional.
> > I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
> Noah
> > wailed.
> > The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
> calm.
> > A rainbow arched across the
> > sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
> > "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
> > "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
> > AMEN!
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