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        New Message Board Archives >> 2002-2004 Funnies and Jokes >> Just happened to catch my eye!
        
(Message started by: GlendaB on Mar 21^st, 2002, 5:54pm)

Title: Just happened to catch my eye!
Post by GlendaB on Mar 21^st, 2002, 5:54pm

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place."Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replied, "you just happened to catch my eye."

Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St.Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the Ducks!"
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman."
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck.
One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on a very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but stepped on a duck."

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

One day in a labratory, four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The last worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: First worm dead. Second worm dead. Third worm dead. Fourth worm alive.
The conclusion--as long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

Title: Re: Just happened to catch my eye!
Post by GlendaB on Mar 21^st, 2002, 6:02pm

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, I ain't", said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex, the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights.
Looking down, she saw her husband holding a dildo.
She got completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly...
"I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."

Title: Re: Just happened to catch my eye!
Post by GlendaB on Mar 21^st, 2002, 6:03pm

Seven Bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Then there is the male addendum ....The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: To hell with all of you, I'm gonna go bang something.
White Zin: He's gay.

Here's a few thoughts from somebody, we don't know who, with too much time to think about things.

1) Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2) I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
3) I am in shape. Round's a shape...
4) I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8) Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. 9) You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
10) I put six locks on my door all in a row, that way, when I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
11) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
12) Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
13) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
14) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Title: Re: Just happened to catch my eye!
Post by GlendaB on Mar 21^st, 2002, 6:07pm

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f***ing cat."

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of beautiful blossoming buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here, in the girl thingy willows."
The wife thinks for a second, and in a panic, screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!"

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke, and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets; then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke; and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher," What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

A guy is out on the golf course when he takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He asks, "How bad is it doc?" I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance' is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy returns to the doctor on the appointed day to have the splint removed, but the doctor is out sick, so he leaves, dejected, with his unit still in the splint.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girlfriend. They married, and on their honeymoon night in the hotel room, she ripped off her clothes to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and an amazing ass and legs. This was the first time he had ever seen her nude. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever seen or touched this body, I've kept it pure, and now I'm giving it to you."
Wanting to impress her, and knowing his unfortunate situation, he pulled down his pants, whipped out his pecker and said, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE."