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Title: sharing Post by miapet on Nov 1st, 2004, 12:32am D is the one who originally found this site. He gave me the URL so I could look at it. Up until then, he had always hidden the beast from me. He never let me see him during an attack. He never talked about it. He would always 'get in postion' to battle the beast. I read the home page, and I cried . . . I looked at the message boards . . .and I cried some more. All I could do was think, "Those poor people . . .how awful for them." D had done such a good job of hiding them from me, that I never thought he was one of 'those poor people' . . . When the realization hit that he was one of 'those poor people' it was awful . . .I blamed myself for not doing something sooner (getting the info here, etc) . . .and for not taking a proactive stance. I don't know how many 9s and 10s we cold turkied together . . .I know they are all etched in my memory . .. Through this all, D has trusted my research, and accepted my beliefs in what we should and shouldn't do. (Okay, so he already knew about all the pharmacy that wouldn't work, since he had already tried everything except the DHE drip.) He has never asked me why it took me so long to get it together and focus on the beast . . . and he never knew, until tonight, how I have been beating myself up for taking so damn long. It wouldn't have been so bad if it had only taken a few weeks . . .but it took me several years to do more than read that front page and click all the tabs . . .I couldn't undertand why he didn't want doctors . . .until I read how the doctors didn't really seem to be helping anyone . . .then I understood . . . I wish I would have done it all sooner . . .but I'm glad I finally did it . .. *positive light and energy* miapet |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by don on Nov 1st, 2004, 7:22am Quote:
Not true. Many people, including myself are helped by Doctors. Why do you think everyone is encouraged to see one? |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Tetris-addict on Nov 1st, 2004, 7:28am Because we are famous for having Intuition and alwasy seem to connect invisible dots and read so much betweenthe lines our spouses are convinced we are mind readers. Direct communitcation can be quite an endeavor. Once I wasted 4 hours....waiting for my husband to get dressed and come shopping with me. This was because at 10am he turned to me and said, "In a little while we are goign to go shopping." So I stopped loading the dishwasher, and put off laundry and got properly dressed, and by noon, i was hungry, so I made a quite snack... thinking we might as well go out to lunch while shopping and I waited and paced and waited.... until 2pm...when I gave up on him and threw in a load of laundry (with bleach) At which point he comes out of his "den" and asks, "Ready?" At which point I lost it..... "NO," I shouted." I waited 4 hours for you, now you will wait 24 minutes for the laundry to finish"....yada,yada yada. He looked very baffled and defensively added, "I didn't mean right that minute" since then he has been more careful to fully explain any itinerary he creates. If he doens't give me an ETD (esitmated time of departure) I ask for it.... lol. That was just a simply shopping trip fouled up by lack of communication. I can understand how they lead you to something important...but don't fill in the relavant info. You cannot change the past. So move foreward, knowing you are doing all you can now..... I hope he has pfdan and that you forgive yourself, and more inportantly you forgive him for shutting you out.... you know men. They suffer in private, unless they have the flu.....wink. Bless you! TJ |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by don on Nov 1st, 2004, 7:42am Quote:
Oh you poor poor woman. Did your husband have the audacity to get attacked while you were waiting to go shopping? |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by unsolved1 on Nov 1st, 2004, 8:07am Mia, Sounds like D is really lucky to have you. D, Don't let her go !! My last girlfriend didn't "want to put up with all that shit". Unsolved |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by nani on Nov 1st, 2004, 8:46am Quote:
Anyway - miapet- don't beat yourself up, you are a fabulous supporter. D is lucky to have you (as I am lucky to have my amazing husband). And yes- some of us do find relief from doctors. |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Kevin_M on Nov 1st, 2004, 9:02am on 11/01/04 at 08:46:34, nani wrote:
Sheesh, and Don was our elected ambassador and representative of all men, brave enough to venture into a thread entitled "sharing", he was the best we... Kevin M |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by DerbyDemon on Nov 1st, 2004, 9:52am I am the king of my domain. Ergo...I suffer my CHs when and where I get them. Now when my 7 and 5 year old sons are told to do something they don't want to do, they immediately tell me they have "headaches." Go figure. |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by don on Nov 1st, 2004, 10:13am Quote:
LMAO! Brave enough or stupid enough ? |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by miapet on Nov 1st, 2004, 10:46pm TJ, I am not mad at D for trying to protect me from the pain . . .but, I do kick myself for not starting the fight earlier *g* Unsolved, thanks *smiles* . .I thought the best day of my life was when D & I met . . .but it just keeps getting better and better *s* . . .when you meet 'the one' it doesn't matter what issues either have, you find a way to work through them . . .and I believe 'the one' is out there for everyone *smiles* Don, if docs are so much help . . then why are so many still in pain? You know, I would vote for your call on why you responded to this thread . . it wasn't because you were brave . .it appears, to me, that you like whack/slam people when ever you get the chance. But, don't worry, I forgive you . . .I'm sure you're in pain . .maybe you should call your doctor? *positive light and energy* miapet |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Kevin_M on Nov 2nd, 2004, 8:30am on 11/01/04 at 22:46:37, miapet wrote:
I'd hate to have gotten through so many years without them. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten through. Quote:
??? Kevin M |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by don on Nov 2nd, 2004, 10:47am Quote:
Nope......not in pain. Sure as hell not looking for forgiveness! |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by D on Nov 2nd, 2004, 8:51pm Don: Mister, you are arrogant...You need a trip behind the barn where in Texas some old fashion manners would be taught, doing you a world of good. And I would volunteer to be first in line to escort you behind the barn for your first lesson on becoming a gentleman. D |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Kris_in_SJ on Nov 2nd, 2004, 9:16pm Thanks for sharing Miapet. Please don't beat yourself up over this. The fact is, you did what you had to. Avoidance is always the first response to something unthinkable. Ultimately, it has made you stronger as a couple, and together you've found what works. I think many are resistant to the therapy you've found. Personally, I'm doing a "happy dance" about the recent U.S. studies. At any rate, venting is GOOD. I't's not only allowed, but encouraged. Don - go back to your corner, and D - don't take it personally. Many Hugs, Kris |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by don on Nov 2nd, 2004, 9:20pm Quote:
Ya got that right! 8) |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Kevin_M on Nov 2nd, 2004, 9:25pm on 11/02/04 at 20:51:24, D wrote:
Quote:
Kevin M |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by don on Nov 3rd, 2004, 7:45am Quote:
Quote:
Actually my Docs office calls me on a pretty regular basis especially during the danger periods. |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by miapet on Nov 3rd, 2004, 11:21pm Kris, thanks *s* don . . .forgiving you wasn't for your benefit . . it was for mine . . .As for the remark about you liking to whack/slam people, it appears that you respond sarcastically to others at almost every opportunity . . .and I don't think many people need that, let alone appreciate it . .especially when they are asking questions or sharing something . . .that said, I have nothing more to say to you. *positive light and energy* miapet |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Tom K on Nov 4th, 2004, 7:11am on 11/02/04 at 20:51:24, D wrote:
D, that line is sooooo long you'd have to take a number...your number is...999,998. ;;D T |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Tetris-addict on Nov 4th, 2004, 7:53am Sorry, had to take a little break because Don's comment triggered my Late October Attack..... :) My husband doesn't get hits, I do. He simply wasn't dressed because he was "Relaxing" by surfing on the computer..... (Surfing what...... I don't care....lol). The point was, he had plans, but never clued me in. TEAM-work fellas. You all love to pretend you are lone wolves who never need help.... but the first time you can't remember where you put your drill, boots, do-rag, and thing-a-majigy Who do you call? "Honey where's my drill?" (like I raided his tool bench and stole the drill to repair the leaning screen door that is on his "ta-do" list....I don't have time for that!!!!) "Where did you use it last?" "Oh, yeah, that's right, Thanks hun." (Pull-ease) hahahahahahaahaha Communication. Gotta love it. After 7 - 10 years, (that's how long the sentence has been for me and what's his name....) I get less and less....he has more toys, more fun, and more "relaxing" time....Me? I have less communication, less leash-line, and less money for household supplies The one reason why I keep him around? Cause he loves me.... wink. When I get hit, he's my shelter.... he anchors the boat, and keeps the waves from dragging me out to deep water..... Just knowing he's close, is my safety net. (he keeps me from searching for guns....) and when the hits are mild, he reminds me how to be thankful and greatful.... ;) at one point I was so scared these things would kill me, that the doctor was missing a diaganosis, I started writing a goodbye letter..... but he sat with me, and when the pain disappeared, he wiped my teary eye, helped put the house back into order and tucked me into bed. That's the kind of help the doctor should prescribe. :) |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by nani on Nov 4th, 2004, 9:44am Quote:
I spend a great deal of time making sure things are fair (why I can never be a coach "you guys are playing too well, let the other team have a chance...). Anyway I would like to let you all know that I take every opportunity to poke fun at don. It just seems like the right thing to do. ;;D |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Kevin_M on Nov 4th, 2004, 9:25pm on 11/04/04 at 09:44:51, nani wrote:
;;D Well, seeing him go around in circles like a dog chasing his tail trying to get the crayon colored booger flicking target off his back with his shoe laces tied together could be fun. Right thing to do? Remorsefully, no. As a moving target, the waxy crayon colored rings glance off all but the the wet ones. Should be magic marker. Kevin M Kevin M |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Pinkfloyd on Nov 5th, 2004, 3:16am on 11/01/04 at 00:32:23, miapet wrote:
This really is not something you should ever beat yourself up about Mia. This is one of those things that nature makes impossible to deal with adequately. Men with Clusters....we are supposed to be the fixer-uppers. That's our role. When something goes wrong, we think it's our responsibility to fix it. Whether it's the roof leaking or our heads hurting...it's our job. When we can't fix our heads, or find someone that can, we feel a bit like a failure sometimes, just as if the roof was to continue leaking. Not something we like to talk about, our failures and how they adversely affect our lives and the lives of the people we love. I'm sure the nurturing side of the women in our lives makes it just as painful to not be able to comfort us during the attacks. I think the main reason we hide during an attack is so we don't have to see the pain we feel we are causing, in the eyes of our loved ones. Women with Clusters....I can only imagine (and I don't like imagining this at all) how much it must hurt them to see the pain in the eyes of the men in their lives. A pain that they, the fixers, can't help fix. One of my biggest fears all these years was to some day see my wife or kids in this type of pain...a pain I couldn't fix. I sometimes think that those fears hurt me in some ways, more deeply emotionally than the clusters themselves. A lot of time, this hurt, this feeling of helplessness, comes out as anger. Men and women, angry they can't fix it, angry at the pain they are in, angry at the pain it causes for others we care about. Angry at how our kids are affected. During an attack, it's almost impossible to make someone feel even a little bit better or to ease the pain at all. How frustrating is that for the supporters. Talk about emotional torture day after day, year after year. It's both interesting and difficult to see some of the stats from the surveys CB's are doing. 22% of the people that have completed the Quality of Life survey have lost a relationship directly due to cluster headaches. That's more than 1 out of every 5 people here and I imagine it's typical of this disease. Your positive attitude, just like the other supporters here, helped keep that 22% as low as it is. I don't necessarily think that those 22% that couldn't make it together because of some lack of caring or compassion. I prefer to think that the 78% that made it this far, was and is, due to an extraordinary amount of caring and understanding, on the behalf of the supporters. My guess is, and D can confirm this or tell me I'm wrong, but when he showed you this site, he was probably saying, "this is what I have, I'm sorry." I don't think he was saying, "this is what I have, fix me." I know these are all generalizations for the most part and I suppose some people think I'm way off base, and I may be in their particular situation, but that said..... I lost a lot of things over the years due to clusters, but my opinions weren't one of them. I also didn't lose my supporter after 32 years of marriage (25 of those cluster affected) so I have a deep appreciation for supporters. I have a feeling you have someone living in your house that holds that same appreciation. PF |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by K-9 on Nov 5th, 2004, 3:41am Well said Pinkfloyd, no need for me to post anything else here. |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by don on Nov 5th, 2004, 5:53am Quote:
My day is shot to hell. |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Kevin_M on Nov 5th, 2004, 9:02am on 11/05/04 at 03:16:12, Pinkfloyd wrote:
Perhaps, but conceptually similar to the theories of Shelley E. Taylor in her book, "The Tending Instinct" Also, done better and taken further by by Simon Baron-Cohen in "The Essential Difference" if you are interested. Kevin M |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by Biker on Nov 5th, 2004, 9:30am If I could share the pain, it would only be for an instant. I would not wish this on anyone. People who dont know this kind of hurt just don't understand. I live alone now----wife and her kiddos live in a different home. I choose to be alone when the CH hits. And it hits all too often. It is way too difficult to explain why the shotgun in the mouth would be better than tolorating the pain behind my eye. It becomes right embarrassing to have folks see me tramping around the meadow, crawling on all 4's, then tramping again. Its right embarrassing to me that I have folks revolving around my headache. Thats why I have choosen to let them live their lives while I live mine. I am sure that someday, I will pull the trigger and attempt to put an end to this. |
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Title: hey, as long as your hip to this now!!!! Post by snook on Nov 5th, 2004, 10:18am [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=wave.gif] Hey Miapet, as one wife to another or whatever your situation is now its time to work together to help D through dealing with the beast together. Im learning all the time , and soooo grateful to this site and ALL the GREAT PEOPLE ON IT!!!!! Check out my topic : how stupid could I be;. Sometimes I beat myself up way to much ,they will tell us what they need from us and with love, support, and doing whatever makes the chs comfortable, which most of the time is to just leave them be till it passes, thats all we can do. As Im sure you have read so many chs either dont have anyone there for them or they cant handle it so they bail. You sound like me and want to do what you can to help, thats not to say that there are not alot of us out there, just keep reading this site. I know how hard it is to see your loved one going through this. Im so happy your here and Im looking forward to hear from you soon!!!!!!! OH ,laughter is so important as we go through this JONNY IS CLASSIC FOR SOME REALLY GREAT AND SICK CHUCKLES [smiley= !!!!!! and remmember to keep your self healthy and pray to whatever higher power you believe in( god has been a great comfort to my tomato and me). Well Im off I wish and pray for a HA free day for D!!!!!! Snook |
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Title: Re: sharing Post by thebbz on Nov 5th, 2004, 10:26pm Mia, My wife is my salvation during some attacks. I know after so long with her that she does indeed feel my pain. This has been confirmed by testing. A spouse was introduced to pain while the other watched and the docs monitored the physical responses and this confirmed it. She knows when I'm getting hit as fast as I do. On top of it by the time it's rampin to 3or 4 she has the imi ready, coffee brewing and a cold towel waiting , she knows when to help,leave,run, tolerates all I do in the middle of the fight, and knows when to say get in the truck your going to the ER. Biker: Please sell me your shotgun! You dont need it. PF vibes to all BB |
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