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        New Message Board Archives >> 2003 Posts >> Martha Stewart will not be here.
        
(Message started by: ClusterChuck on Nov 26^th, 2003, 11:07am)

Title: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by ClusterChuck on Nov 26^th, 2003, 11:07am

Martha Will Not Be Joining Us This Year!

To my Thanksgiving Guests,
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Year.

She probably won't come next year either.

I Am Thankful!!!

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by thomas on Nov 26^th, 2003, 11:19am

LMMFAO [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by Paigelle on Nov 26^th, 2003, 11:20am

I just sent that to my cousin! [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by BobG on Nov 26^th, 2003, 2:04pm

[smiley=laugh.gif]

LMAO

[smiley=laugh.gif]

Quote:

that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer,

We used the dryer one time. Put the bird on the rack used for shoes, turned the sucker on, set the timer for 30 minutes............worked like a charm. Mission accomplished.

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by ShariRae on Nov 26^th, 2003, 2:09pm

Toooo funny :)
BobG...did u REALLY?
Huggs
Shari

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by BobG on Nov 26^th, 2003, 2:18pm

Shari, Yep, really did. The wife had taken the bird from the freezer and put it in the fridge before going to bed. Dinner wasn't until late the next day but the turkey wasn't thawed.

Wanna know what I used to use the dishwasher for?

I had a car with the "wire-wheel" looking hubcaps. They're a big pain to clean by hand. Take them off the car and pop 'em in the dishwasher....problem solved.

P.S. Men, don't do this while the wife is home. You could become the next turkey-in-the-dryer.

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by brain_cramps on Nov 26^th, 2003, 2:22pm

on 11/26/03 at 14:18:01, BobG wrote:

Wanna know what I used to use the dishwasher for?

I've used a dishwasher to poach salmon. A little tin-foil, herbs & spices, and "Power-scrub" cycle.

mmmmmm mmmmmmm good,
grant

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by Elaine on Nov 26^th, 2003, 2:28pm

ROTFLMAO funny thing is that is about the way it will be here tomorrow. I think I will put this on the door!

Already today I have had a bad morning. I was fixing lemon pie. I had all the stuff to make it on the center bar. I turned my back and was cooking. I turned around in time to see that JD had climbed up on the bar stool
the egg white being dumped out on the bar along with the sugar and lemon juice.
JD is now banded from the kitchen! The lemon pie is beautiful and JD is in his room now playing with a early Christmas toy!

The rest I will do tonight when everyone is asleep :-)!

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by Big_Dan on Nov 26^th, 2003, 2:43pm

LMMFAO!!!!

That's great man... true classic..

-Big Dan

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by Miklos on Nov 26^th, 2003, 4:03pm

A 7 lb bag of ice will chill six 12-oz Budweiser's to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by hdbngr on Nov 26^th, 2003, 4:29pm

Okay, who hid the camera at my house last year?

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by Charlie on Nov 26^th, 2003, 4:45pm

Hilarious kids [smiley=crackup.gif]

Wish I had some good stories. Pretty boring here. It wasn't Norman Rockwell but it wasn't Salvador Dali either. I guess I shouldn't complain but you had more fun.

Have a great one folks.

MOC

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by kim on Nov 26^th, 2003, 6:08pm

Ay-MEN! ;;D

:D

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by Jackie on Nov 26^th, 2003, 6:18pm

You all are funny!!!!

Blake says he knows Martha Stewart will not be at you house, Chuck. He says he lives with her and she'll be at his house.... >:( Do you think Blake is making fun of me [smiley=huh.gif] I think he is.... ::)
I'm not nearly as anal as Martha.... :(

Oh, jonny, by the way.....those silver polishing clothes work great. Any tips on china and crystal.... ;;D

Jacks 8)

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by TxBasslady on Nov 26^th, 2003, 6:39pm

[smiley=laugh.gif]
LMAO...........Jackie.........you're a riot!!!!!!!!!

Chuck...........that was hilarious!!!!!!!!!! :-*

Happy day to you all tomorrow.

Love you bunches

Jean

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by jonny on Nov 26^th, 2003, 6:55pm

on 11/26/03 at 18:18:28, Jackie wrote:

Oh, jonny, by the way.....those silver polishing clothes work great. Any tips on china and crystal.... ;;D

Sure Jacks.....

When getting a lap dance from China make sure you tip her at least a twenty......Crystal is happy with a ten spot.....;;D

................................jonny

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by Jackie on Nov 26^th, 2003, 7:09pm

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jonny, you are a piece of work.... ;;D One of your best
ones yet....

Oh......Any tips on Hunk and Hardbutt.... ::)

SMOOOOOOOCH,
Jacks 8)

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by Donna on Nov 26^th, 2003, 7:51pm

From what I've read (Hee he) , you use whipped cream with Hunks, and lotion ( or K-Y) with hardbutts. Polishing cloths work well with apples (apple polishers). And kisses with asses .

Try bleach with brown noses, and lemon with yellow bellies.

As Martha would say, colors are abundant. And live textures to their fullest extent.

Unknown former clusterhead

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by jonny on Nov 26^th, 2003, 7:51pm

on 11/26/03 at 19:09:02, Jackie wrote:

Oh......Any tips on Hunk and Hardbutt.... ::)

You'll have to run that one by Doug L, Jacks ;;D

...................................jonny

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by cootie on Nov 26^th, 2003, 8:21pm

Won't Martha be in prison next year anyhow 'superviseing' the prison kitchen as an INMATE ? Once I made a punkin pie with can'd punkin that was not 'ready made ta bake' and didn't add any ingredients......presto change-o baby shit pie desert for all....oops I crapped my piepan Pam !!!!

Title: Re: Martha Stewart will not be here.
Post by barbee on Nov 26^th, 2003, 10:02pm

:) :) :)

Thanks, Chuck, for the biggest laugh I've had in a long time....