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Title: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Carl_D on Aug 27th, 2003, 1:34pm Let's see, a happy place... '96 - '97 I had it all going on; killer job, cool cruiser, happening band, and my place was ON 24/7. Each new day was another rung up the ladder. Then February of '98 I became chronic with Clusters. It crippled my life to the point I had nothing left to live for, except the only certain thing - THE PAIN! I am coming out of a nice few months; 1 ch a day to 3 a day, or every couple of days. Basically, a few a week (as opposed to what I was used to - a few a day.) Overcoming physical trauma induced by a fall last January, I finally am back full throttle with playing guitar. So what is the drama? Right now, I am in 3 separate bands. My main gig is "Act of God", an origional alternative band in which I am primary writer, lead guitarist and lead vocalist. Then there is Izzy Bigg, which I do vocals on and lead guitar. Then there is Lapdog, a covers band, that is just starting out. I have also landed a gig DJing a couple of days a week. Meanwhile, my social life is waking back up, I am feverishly working on my Oct. 12 deadline for my first novel "Snapped" (a fictional account of a Clusterhead), and prepping my next project, all while still writing songs. Everyday a song is waiting to be born. I have a few interested parties wanting guitar lessons, which will put me back in the teaching circuit after 7 years off. So what's the stag? My CH's are kicking back up in full swing. I have had 2 since midnight, and am afraid to sleep (can I get a WITNESS??? Can anyone RELATE?????) I have worked mega fucking hard to overcome the obstacles that have come my way...even to the point of beating myself blind trying to keep up. Now, I have that ever-present hard shadow in my right temple, and I am powerless when a CH attack hits. My Doc wanted to try a new abortive since the Relpax was ineffective, but medicaid wouldn't cover it. Right now I have no pain med, no abortive, I am just riding them out hard and heavy. Which brings me to my question of faith.... A loving, caring, just, merciful god? Where in the fuck is he a 3:30 in the morning when I am worn out from slamming my head on the floor? I am a pretty merciful guy; can't stand to see someone squirm when I know I can help. It just goes beyond my reasoning... anyway... I am babbling, nervous...things are going so good I am terrified that these motherrepulsivefucking head jolts will once again (tried & true, just ask Martha) ruin my life, or what is left of it. How in the fuck do other chronics hold a job, and keep up the front? I really want to know. Ordering some cheese to go with my whine, Carl D Fucking FREEk |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by TomM on Aug 27th, 2003, 1:48pm Carl, your fears are justified but since you are an experienced CHer, you know that you will make it. Hang in there and don't let the bastard win! TomM |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by forgetfulnot on Aug 27th, 2003, 1:58pm Quote:
I did it Carl, seventeen years, don't have a clue as to how, it just happened. Then one day I was declared an insurance liability and shown the door. I worked in a fairly small industry and the word got out quickly, no one would even return my calls, liability ya know. Now my day is filled with Court TV, Doctor Phill and an occasional tenant complaint (slumlord) and this place. Thank GOD for rental property. As you know, landlords can set their own schedule ;) Lee |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Bob P on Aug 27th, 2003, 4:15pm "Can I do this, or will I go insane?" I'm betting on #2, oops, too late. Hey, hub's not around. I gotta pick on somebody! |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by brain_cramps on Aug 27th, 2003, 4:40pm Both!!! You CAN do this and you WILL go insane! Look at everyone here. Does anyone strike you as having all of their marbles? ;D grant |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Drk^Angel on Aug 27th, 2003, 4:59pm Gimme back my marbles, ya dirty thief! PFDAN................................. Drk^Angel |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Karla on Aug 27th, 2003, 5:25pm You will do this and you very well may go insane but there is help for you. After being hit 8x every day for years on end I just couldn't take it any more and had a mental breakdown. I started hearing voices and having paranoid delusions I was suicidal life just sucked. I couldn't face another day of the same old same old. I picked up the phone and called a mental health provider. I was imediately accessed a sucide risk, and was locked up on a phyc ward for 2 weeks and put on meds that helped stop the voices and helped with my depression. I was refered to a thereapist. I will probably have to be on these meds for life because as long as I have clusters I will face insanity. But I say that to say you are not alone. Help is a phone call away when you need it. There are people who do care and who are available for you locally and here on ch.com. Keep posting and don't be afraid to reach out when you need it. It helps keep the insanity down. |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Kirk on Aug 27th, 2003, 5:39pm Can you do it? Sure you can..Will you go insane like the rest of us cronics. Well you're doomed DOOMED Bwahahahahaha. Except for me I'm fine. TTFN PS What kind of cheese? |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Cooked Brain on Aug 27th, 2003, 5:48pm Hi Carl, you CAN do this my friend! you just HAVE to! I can relate to your story in many ways, with the job the band, the music and the faith. I know very well what you mean with being afraid to go tp sleep... had the same for a long time, terrified to lay my head down, trying to stay awake as long as possible, or even better not waking up at all anymore... but you are not alone try to get some meds, first ask for verapamil! do all the reading you can on this site. If you ever feel the need to chat about anything drop me a line through IM. Be well, keep yourself together, hang in there and keep posting! If you need to rage and roar than do so, we'll listen, anytime, you just say it... best of luck to you |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Linda_Howell on Aug 27th, 2003, 6:25pm Carl......... I sent you a Christmas present once. A while back. I was going through the worst time of my life with these fuckers. It helped to know I was making you feel better. Help someone else out, Carl. LindaH |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by cootie on Aug 27th, 2003, 8:41pm Sure Carl....you can do it....you won't go totally insane...you'll be alright ! Jus don't do the other thing that makes ya go blind (never mind) ! Pam that feels sorry fer whacking blind musicians |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by kim on Aug 27th, 2003, 8:54pm Yes. You can do "this", and "insane" is all relevant. :) Well wishes. |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Ree on Aug 27th, 2003, 10:08pm Carl you have done this before and YES Yes Yes you CAN do it again... I think the CH attacks are hitting full swing again because you are burning the candle at both ends and probably mentally exhausted with all that responsibility on your plate... Remember I have the same birth date as you and I couldn't handle alllllllllll that stress... ((but I guess I sometime try to jam a Hell of a lot into my life too]... When the beast lets ya, get some good sleep... take a day or two off from practicing or jamming with your bands... Tell them all to give you room or they will loose ya... and treat your shadows.... Dave discovered this cycle if he can get rid of a shadow it gives him more PF time in between hits... Good Luck Buddy... When you get famous I cant wait to say "I share a birthday with that freak!!!" love ya Ree |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Turts on Aug 28th, 2003, 4:16am Of course you can do this!!! You've already started, and you dont even know it. By simply starting this post shows the desire to throw on the armour and take this beast head on. And everyone else here is ready and willing to join you inthe front line. (everyone but me that is, I'm wearing a new shirt and i dont want it to get ruined.) |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by ClusterChuck on Aug 28th, 2003, 4:31am Screw the shirt, Turts! Get back in line and do your job! Everybody got their oar? Then start the drum cadence! Carl, you WILL survive this! Crazy, but survive! Chuck |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Turts on Aug 28th, 2003, 5:36am Dont worry about me Clusterchuck, I ll be in the front with William Wallace blue face paint and all. Everybody here must be crazy, or they have never heard of outboard motors. |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by ClusterChuck on Aug 28th, 2003, 6:02am I might like it better with the oars. I am not too fond of William Wallace's ending. I'm kinda attached to my head, although, now that I think of it, next time the beast decides to attack, maybe it is not such a bad idea! Watch out! The blue paint is dripping onto your new shirt. Damn what a mess!! Also, if you notice, there is no mounting for the outboard, just these oar locks. Oh well, back to rowing before that whip gets me ... (Or maybe that might be kinda nice ??) Let me catch the beat here ... Chuck |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by suzy617 on Aug 28th, 2003, 6:05am Hang in Carl. Life does get better. Now do as they say and start rowing or our Cootie girl will whack you in the head with an oar (thats her assigned job in here) Suzy |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by cathy on Aug 28th, 2003, 6:25am Carl when your 20 foot up a tree and you swing out...if they say "Let go of the rope" then you do it....If your in a boat with Kim and she say's ROW TO THE RIGHT then you ROW TO THE LEFT...what you don't do is not ROW....so pick up the oar and row row row.... ;D I don't know about the rest of you, but me im perfectly normal..... ::) PF vibes to you, there is light at the end of the torch... Cathy |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by ClusterChuck on Aug 28th, 2003, 6:30am Sure you are, Dear. Just keep telling yourself that: "I am ok. I am ok. I AM ok ..." Do you beleive it yet? Carl, join the chant: I am OK! (Repeat above till you are a beleiver, or you get hit over the head by Cootie's oar) Chuck |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by jminmilwaukee on Aug 28th, 2003, 7:11am James Cole: "This is a place for crazy people. I'm not crazy." Doctor ... "We don't use that term "crazy," Mr. Cole. James Cole: "You've got some real nuts here." It's a good kind of crazy! It is the sane ones you need to be leary of - Jmin |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by zanychef on Aug 28th, 2003, 12:30pm yes carl you CAN do it i been chronic for 8 yrs now an still have kept a job etc mind you i am a raving lunatic lol ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by ksmiggy on Aug 28th, 2003, 4:00pm HI Carl Isanity comes as standard with CH, but i too have found burning the candle both ends increases my attacks. |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Turts on Aug 30th, 2003, 6:01am OK OK I surrender. Pass me an oar. CH's are bad but Cootie smacking me with an oar is worse. I now know from experience. Can anyone helpout with the artist who sang "I will survive". Seems to be a fitting song for this post. |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Carl_D on Aug 30th, 2003, 6:04am I do believe that is by Miss Gloria Gaynor, or I could be mistaken. Now if you ask about Nine Inch Nails or Tool, I could definitely help ya out there. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Carl P.S. - Who's not sleeping? |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by taraann on Aug 30th, 2003, 9:48am Hang in there Carl YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!!! Congrats on all of your successes and I'm sure you will keep climbing up that ladder, you just might have to rest on a rung for a little while. |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Woobie on Aug 30th, 2003, 11:28am on 08/30/03 at 06:01:04, Turts wrote:
i think it's GLORIA GAYNOR Now, Carl - you are and ARTIST! Artists, by nature... ARE crazy - the crazier the better :o... The more insane.. the better the songs or the books... Take insane and EMBRACE insane.. KNOW insane... LIVE insanely..... BE insane... LOVE insane!!! And while you're there.. you'll be one rich MO FO!!! hear me ?? ;D Peace Out! tina :-* |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Woobie on Aug 30th, 2003, 1:05pm BTW - I'm married to an artist.. I know... first hand.. Ya'll are frikkin certifiable!! Praise Jesus! ;D tina :-* |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by vig on Sep 2nd, 2003, 4:51pm having a big group of people to laugh/cry with helps more than I'll ever understand. Thanks everybody. |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Woobie on Sep 3rd, 2003, 10:11am Hello ? carl - how you doin? Vig - how YOU doin? |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by 9erfan on Sep 3rd, 2003, 11:58am Carl- We're ALL nuts here, so what's the problem? Yes, clusters make you insane but thank God for this board because we can be insane together. I've been chronic for 6 years now and I still have a job (although I don't know how sometimes). You just keep going, there's no other choice. People need you. But being in 3 bands does sound a little stressful to me. Maybe you could slow down just a little. Give your body some time to rest. I know you've heard this before, but drink WATER! I tell you as soon as I started drinking MASSIVE quantities of water my chronic days started to get better. I still have the h/a's everyday but they are not as severe as they were. Whenever I sense that I have let myself get dehydrated, they start getting bad again. Just a thought...doesn't hurt to try. My thoughts & prayers go out to you! YOU CAN DO THIS! :) Virginia |
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Title: Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane? Post by Carl_D on Sep 3rd, 2003, 4:07pm Thanks Virginia...taking a break from my Mountain Dew addiction and taking ya up on the water. At my bros house and they have the purified stuff here. LOL - I am working in 3 bands, writing new songs and working on the bands website with Doc, trying to teach some new shit to my guitarist, trying to finish my book by October 12th so I can get it to an editor friend and possibly publish by Christmas (it'd make a great stocking stuffer), and now I am working on getting OUCHFEST up and running - gonna start the website this weekend (I hope). Now I've been up yet ANOTHER 26 hours AGAIN, and still have calls to make, waiting for a call, and several emails to send, as well as trying to keep up with this board...it moves so much faster than the old one. Vig, all things considering, I am doing great. An abortive that never really worked for me (Imitrex) with success. First breath of fresh air I have had in a looong time. Peace guys, more info on the way, Carl D |
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