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Title: Needing of help... Post by Jill on May 29th, 2003, 8:34am This is totally off of any topic and I am not sure that I can write this here or not....but I am. I have seen threads about people losing their family members - my condolences to those that have and my thoughts to those going through hard times - and it has triggered me into posting this.... Did that make any sense at all? It has been a month now since my dad passed away or 'disappeared' as I have come to think of it - a month already. But the pain is no easier even as our life tries to move foward. Anyways - I am not sure what the point of this post is but I am so confused right now anyways, so that explains it part way. I keep thinking that he is comming home and I got so mad at mom (not directly but inside of me) that she got rid of his clothes because, to me, he is going to need them when he comes home. Stupid, huh? I guess that I am asking for help in my own ways - I am not sure how to stop excepting him to come how. How to accept that he is gone and that I will never get the hug, hand holding or whatever that I desire so badly from him. Any ideas? Is it a personal thing or is it one of the 'Jill stupid' things? I am serious here, please dont tell me that I have to 'suck it up' because part of me knows that but right now I cant even cry (sometimes at Church I do) because I dont believe or understand that he is gone. I am so messed up - maybe I shouldnt even post here..... Sorry guys... Jill Oh and my head - dont ask - it is being evil and it has become that vicodin with valium every few hours has become a necessity.... |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by cootie on May 29th, 2003, 8:49am Jill......I lost it when my best freind got slaughter'd ina horrible car wreck with her husband.....I was also working for her and they were building a new fancy house with fancy new kennel I would get to help design and would of course run and be part of....I was in my glory !! Got the rug pulled out from under me big time when the accident happen'd....lost my job my best freinds and partner in a new business venture....and was left in charge of the kennel and dogs left behind and pups no one else knew nothing about...had to find new homes for them and be there every day till all were gone. I complelety lost my way in life.....the doc told me it would take about TWO years to get over it....or at least used to the idea the 'party was over' between me and my freinds. They weren't comeing back.....got pretty scarey for a while how I felt.....it still bothers me BAD but for the most part my mind has gotten used to the fact there gone. Now I deal with memories. Give it time girl....drugs don't really help 'except to pass the time in a fog' that you are expected to endure "till" you feel sumwhat better about it all or with some piece of mind. And I'll admit some of the meds may help you there for a while endure sum of that time.....just remember "it will take time"....and it's ok to feel how you do !! Time does heal wounds.....but it's alot of time. Stay busy.......best thing you can do....get into things you love to do or enjoy like projects ect or hobbies......trust me it helps...I had some pretty bad moments and my thoughts got carried away and keepin busy saved me !!! Hang tough......Pam that still has 4 parents but two less freinds.....(email me if you need to tay ?) |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Ree on May 29th, 2003, 9:01am Death is a very hard thing to deal with... I always rely on my faith because I believe that life on earth is not the big picture for me... I always wonder how people feel that have no faith... I also lost a close sis in law to a horrible car accident and like you cootie we were starting a business venture. I felt the same way, the carpet got pulled right out from under me... It made me realize that there are no guarantees in life. Jill I am crushed for you as is Dave. He lost his dad when he was just 11 and didnt have any great role models aftet that. Sometimes when I see what a struggle being a dad is for him. I remember that he doesnt have alot to go by... My dad is 80 not young like your dad was when he died. But realizing no guarantees I cherish each day I see him wondering if it will be my last... When we go through a death it is for us permanent. I can remember looking into cars while driving down the street... and saying why are those people smiling when I feel so miserable inside. Wanting to grasp any stories about life after life, angels and the idea of Heaven in hope that some day, I could see my sister in law again. I loved her that much. We should live each day and treat each individual in it with respect and love and remember this may be the last day on Earth for that person or for ourselves. We need to learn by losing people and make a positve experience from it no matter how hurtful the experience. Even if it means helping someone through that has gone through a similar experience. Love to you I will be thinking about you today Jill... take care of you and your family, savor the moments we all have left. Ree |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Spindrift on May 29th, 2003, 9:06am Jill, I'm sure I speak for everyone here in offering our condolences and assuring you that we're ready to help. Unfortunately nothing but time will take care of the emotional pain. But it will go away, I guarantee it. Although I'm a good deal older than you are, I also lost my dad last year. It's never easy. If there's anything I can do please don't hesitate to write. Among your many friends, Spin |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by nancyann on May 29th, 2003, 9:25am Jill, In reading your post, I see reflections of my own pain in losing my grandmother. She was my best freind growing up. Fifteen years later I still close my eyes and smell her as though she were sitting next to me. It's ok to be angry about your mom getting rid of your dad's things. Just as long as you don't take it out on her. Try and talk to her about it. It's ok to get angry. Get good and angry. I still get angry. It's my way of dealing with it. I think if I didn't I'd explode inside. Just know that with each passing day it does get better. As time goes on it gets easier. Learn to close your eyes and feel him near and smile at the smell of him, the tingle you might get of his memory and feel warm inside. Learn to embrace that moment. You might one day be able to learn that he has not really left you but is with you on a different level. When times get really tough I find myself talking to my grandmother as though she were my angel and I find comfort. Hey, it's what works for me. You'll find what works for you. It just takes time. It takes time to heal. You will be in my prayers. Nancy |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by CathiP on May 29th, 2003, 9:51am Jill, As you know, I never feel sorry for the ones who leave us behind, I feel sorry for us, left here to deal with the hole in our lives, instead. As I've told you, I never thought I would get over the death of my father, but slowly, surprisingly, as each day passed, it got easier. Some days can be hard, others easier and you just have to let yourself react. Lean on your mom- and provide support for her as well, talk about your dad, cry together. It WILL get easier. Gil was, and still is, my rock, and being the first of us to go through the loss of a parent gave me some inner strength when both his parents died. I asked him now, 2 yrs after his father's death, how he is coping. He told me what I just told you.....some days it's a walk in the park, other days, something will just hit him. There is no time line. Jill, your dad had a marvelous sense of humor, and he found such joy in life. Please ask yourself how he feels knowing how sad you are....and how much that is affecting all the aspirations he had for YOUR life. Now, be kind to your self.......oh and remind Martin he's OLD! Cathi |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Roxy on May 29th, 2003, 9:54am Jill, I have lost all my grandparents, and both my parents. I lost my father just three years ago. We worked side by side together for years, and when he died it left this huge gaping hole inside of me. Day in and day out, everytime I turned around, I expected him to be there. I would look down the road at our place, time after time, just knowing his truck would be driving down it. Unfortunately, the only thing that is going to heal you is time. For me, the hurt and pain are still there, but is has become much easier to bear. The old cliche that time heals all wounds may sound trite, but it is true. Take your life one day at a time, you can make it through anything for one day. Grief comes in stages, and anger is one of them. So don't guilt yourself out about being mad. Just let the anger go....when you can. Tracey |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Joanie on May 29th, 2003, 10:24am Jill, It's never easy to lose a loved one and you will certainly feel that the pain will never end. It's okay to feel grief and feel lost without your dad. Ree's post so wonderfully reflected my feelings and beliefs also. I lost two of my brothers many years ago. I thought I would never get over the pain, but I did. Faith and the belief that they moved on to more wonderful things helps to get through the tough times. Remember your dad with love and a smile and give yourself lots of time to heal. Sending prayers your way during this difficult time. Joanie |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by maggie_may on May 29th, 2003, 10:38am Jill, It's really difficult to deal with the death of someone you love so much. I was a kid - only 11 years old - when I lost my mom's stepdad. Then, within the next 18 months, I lost my mom's mother and my dad's mother. I was angry and didn't fully understand. It wasn't until I started college 7 years later that I started to come around about my mom's parents. 2 months ago I finally got to go to California where they lived to say my final goodbye. I felt so incredibly sad there, but as my mom and I were leaving, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. Like I can deal with it much easier than I did before I went. We lived with my dad's mom in the upstairs apartment, and after she died, my parents moved downstairs and into her room. I was angry, but then I held it all in. That's a bad idea - it made me depressed for years after. But after ten years, I finally accepted her death. I made my peace with it. Two years later, I try to get to the cemetary as often as I can for my Dad's mom. I talk to her when I'm there and tell her about all the things that are going on in my life. I ask her to guide me when I have problems or questions about things. And I KNOW that the three of them are standing with me always. I talk with them and think about them several times a day and it makes me feel better. Still, sometimes I get sad, but I have the good memories to make me smile. I'm still dealing with it, but it's gotten easier over time. Sadness, frustration, anger, feelings of depression - I think they are all normal. Talk with your mom, you both need to lean on each other. Everyone's time is different. Just take as much of it as you need. sending prayers and thoughts to you, maggie |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by don on May 29th, 2003, 10:49am These are the five phases of the grieving process; 1-Numbness: This reaction often follows the death of a loved one and may last for seven to ten days. A sense of being paralyzed, distant, and removed from one's feelings of grief is present. Some have referred to numbing as the body's mechanism for protecting itself from being overwhelmed by the shock of the loss. 2-Denial and Isolation: Here the bereaved individual has significant difficulty accepting the reality of their loss. This may be expressed in more severe forms as a complete denial of the death or in less severe forms in lapses of thinking and behaving as if the person had really died. While complete acceptance is part of the work of the entire grief process, the initial more acute difficulties with acceptance are included in this phase. 3-Anger: In this phase the bereaved person feels anger with the world, fate, God, or people in their lives. A sense of "Why me?" and/or "Why not someone else?" give a flavor of this phase. Bargaining with God for the return of the dead person may be part of this phase 4-Depression: As acknowledgement and acceptance of the loss and the reality of life after the loss grow, sadness and depression become more present. 5-Acceptance: The bereaved person comes to terms with the loss, and is able to move on to re-invest in the new life that lies ahead. An absence of the extremes of emotion previously experienced is present. More recently, mental health professionals, with the help of the bereaved, have come to understand that there are tasks involved in grief work that may occur in varied sequence and often simultaneously as the work of one task will move along the work in other tasks. Drawing on the work of Worden, Leick and Davidsen-Nielson (1991) describe four basic tasks that the bereaved individual needs to achieve in order to integrate their experience of loss into their life and move toward investing in a new life without the lost loved one |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Jill on May 29th, 2003, 10:51am Thanks guys.... I know that each day is supposed to get easier but, for me, each day is a bit harder. Everyday I get this feeling of pure disappointment that overwhelms me because he didnt come home. Then each night I pray that he will come home and all day I pretend that he is but then the disappointment comes again - a vicous circle that I cant seem to break. It didnt help that before I moved back home, I met with my psychologist who laid this guilt trip on me that was unbelieveable. She said that whomever is above us decides when it is our time to go based on when we have accomplished what we have set out to do. She said that I moved away from home and didnt need him anymore, so it was his time to go. That is a bunch of crap because mom and I needed him badly but she layed it on deep and it still hurts. I really believed that it was my fault and am just now learning/recognizing that it isnt. Anyways - I am meeting with a grief counselor tomorrow and then mom and I are going to go to a support group in June. It is more for me than for her because she is doing much better with bad parts of certain days but so much better than me. I guess that we are two different people and that is why - she hopes that he will come home and I expect him too. Messed up, I know. And as far as getting mad at mom about the clothes - I would never take it out on her because that would be too wrong. I just go outside and deal with it myself or just hide it. We talk alot - about how I feel, how she feels, and lots and lots about dad. It is nice to talk to her so much. Thanks for all of the help - I am having a very hard time dealing with all of this but I know in time it will get easier but it just isnt right now. And everytime that I see something for father's day it is like a knife in the heart and I just want to cry and sometimes I do. Thanks again - you all are surely the best... Jill |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by suzy617 on May 29th, 2003, 11:04am Jill, Yes this is part of the grieving process you are going through and yes in time (and everyone is different) the pain will lessen. I lost my Dad when he was 59 many years ago. I think of him always with fond and loving memories. Life will getter better for you, I promise. I also believe in the big picture and do believe that someday we will all be back together again. Hang in there..... suzy |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Not4Hire on May 29th, 2003, 11:09am jill...please check your Instant Messages...thanks...N4 |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by CathiP on May 29th, 2003, 11:32am Jill, please reread Don's post. The steps are there- and there IS no shortcut! Each phase you must actively participate in, I can never remember the order, but, all jumbled up, you still must move through the anger, the denial, the paralysis....the others which escape me right now....moving eventually to acceptance. Jill, my dad died of cancer 18 yrs ago....6 months later, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. The agony of the possibility of losing BOTH parents was nearly more than I could handle. Maybe it was having my mother to focus on that made my grieving process easier to pass through.....but I know, having something to focus on also helped me. BTW- mom is fine! Keep yourself focused on something.....it will help.....and keep your father's love close to your heart. Cathi |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by TomM on May 29th, 2003, 1:22pm on 05/29/03 at 10:51:19, Jill wrote:
on 05/29/03 at 10:51:19, Jill wrote:
I spent the long weekend with my wife's family because her grand dad died. Do you know what helped THE most? Everyone telling stories, crying about the stories, and telling more stories. Do we miss him? HELL YA! Just like you miss your dad. Here is my 2 cents: Pray, if you have faith. Do not expect him to come through the door because he won't. Talk to your mom, tell the stories, cry, wipe the tears and remember the good times. Be thankful for what you had instead of what will not be. And mostly, be vocal. Do not shut up. Continue to keep us informed. Thoughts and prayers. TomM |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by ZAIRA on May 29th, 2003, 2:07pm Jill... I sent you a private message... :'( Zaira |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by cootie on May 29th, 2003, 2:11pm Jill.....my girlfreind I lost's daughter found a thick hard backed book she read called 'Talking to Angel's'......not sure if you can type in the words and find the book or what but it seem'd to help her thru alot of the grief she had to go thru loosein her mom and best freind and aquire some higher power understanding he was seeking . Also.....I went thru spells when I lost my freinds....I got MAD at them for a while for leaveing that weekend when I had strange vibes I didn't think they should go (if I followed that I'd be nuts by now and never go anywhere but it stuck in my head).....I was mad I was stuck with the kennel and makeing disisions I hoped my freind would of agree'd with when it was dispers'd and felt guilty wondering if things were goin as she'd want. I felt guilty and sad and depressed and mad at the world.....even thought about checkin out myself cuz I couldn't deal with this everyday crap goin thru my head ! Yer shrink didn't help you it sounds and don't think they should rate things with religion or anything bias and 'just be a third party' to talk everything out with....there beliefs aren't what you paid for. I also went to one and it did help even tho I didn't think so for the first month or so.....I talked the subject to death till I walked in her office one day and had nothin to say. You'll be ok.....old habits are hard to break of expecting your dad to walk in the door......give it alot of time. Also I think some people want to git rid of possesions because of the tight linked memories....it's a way of letting go for sum....wether rite or wrong....consious or unconsiously. Take care and hang in there girl.....Love to you Pam da memory lane coot |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by TomM on May 29th, 2003, 3:07pm Elizabeth Kulber-Ross wrote On Death and Dying And I highly recommend it. In it she states: "This grief, shame, and guilt are not far removed from feelings of anger and rage. The process of grief always includes some qualities of anger. Since none of us likes to admit anger at a deceased person, these emotions are often disguised or repressed and prolong the period of grief or show up in other ways." This book can be found at www.amazon.com for $10.40. TomM |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Edna on May 29th, 2003, 3:09pm Jill, glad you posted so that someway the responses you get will help you out. Check your email gal, but just remember...........although it hurts, dad's not coming home in the way you want him to......but search your heart and your thoughts and listen to what you hear..........He's already THERE!! EDNA |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Jackie on May 29th, 2003, 3:19pm Jill, You have gotten a lot of good advice here. These people are posting to you from their hearts and sharing their experiences with grief and the healing process. I lost my Daddy too. I was with him when he took his last breath. I was touching him and felt his life slip away. I'm telling you this so you will understand where I'm coming from. I know the loss of a beloved Father. Now....you mentioned being mad at your Mother for getting rid of his things. I'm going to tell you what helped me through the grief.....helping my Mom helped me!!!! I thought the grief I was feeling was going to kill me....then I thought, wait a minute.....what about my Mom?? I've lost my Dad but she has lost her partner, soul mate, husband, love of her life, best friend, etc. I got my shit together pretty darn quick and went to work doing anything I could for my Mom.....maybe you could try the same thing. Remember she was there for you, wiping you snot nose and changing you britches...now maybe it's your turn. Your life will go on to the next stage...you'll leave home again and build your own life....what will Mom do? Thinking of these things got me off the pity pot and I got busy...seeing to my Mom and trying to hold our family up through the grief. When we help someone else we ultimately help ourself...when we put someone elses feeling ahead of our own, our feelings don't hurt nearly as much. It's good therapy, Jill. I hope this is taken as it is meant....with compassion. Jackie I'm not sure how much good the valium and vicodin is doing you but I bet not much. |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by don on May 29th, 2003, 3:21pm Quote:
Same here Jill and my Pop has been gone for 9 years. Quote:
And I'm not the least bit ashamed of it. It's OK. Pop's favorite song was "What a Beautiful World" by Louis Armstrong. I still have a hard time when I hear it but it always makes me smile. Ironically, Pop had every reason to believe it wasn't such a beautiful world, but he always kept his chin up, and so do I. |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by cathy on May 29th, 2003, 3:27pm Jill Im sure as this thread grows you will see that everyone here has at some time lost a loved one...I lost my mum and dad within 11 months of each other, noone can prepare us for the hurt, grief and sorrow we feel, but we can all tell you that the hurt goes as time is a great healer, we never forget our loved ones because we have the the memories. You will always have those noone can ever take them from you. Jackie has given you some great advice and I hope you will take it. Wishing you PF times. Cathy |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by oringkid on May 29th, 2003, 4:29pm Jill, My mother died last year, 2 days before mother's day and 7 days after my birthday. It was not as sudden and unexpected as your father, but my mother had always been in good health and from the time of diagnoses to the time of death was only 6 wks. She lied to us all, even my father. Told us it was nothing, was taken care of etc. When I called her doctor because things seemed strange, he told me she had only days or weeks left. I got on a bus (all we could afford) and rode for 4 days from AZ to VA. She died 2 days before I got there. I felt sooooo guilty. I felt soooo angry with her for not telling us how bad it was. I never got to say good bye. BUT I looked to the clouds, the mountains, the fields and could feel her there. I talked to her. Told her how I felt. Told her how angry I was. Told her how sorry I was that I wasn't there. And I could feel her with me. Now, sometimes, she is in the sun on my face. I see her in the butterfly that lands near me. I feel her touch in the gentle breeze that lifts my hair. She is gone from this world, but still exists...in my memories...in my heart. I see her smile sometimes in my face, and hear her laughter in my voice. Just listen and feel and watch...you will know him. And you know that he will always be with you. Closer now than ever. Don't look for him to come through the door. Feel him in your heart. He still wants you to be happy and healthy and have fun and feel joy. Sherry |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by cootie on May 29th, 2003, 4:37pm Brad's dad died on 'father's day'......imagine that !! He was there with him in the hospital at the end but was reluctant to go.....it wasn't easy.....and he has strange memories haveing it end the way it did and drawn out. Father's day is kinda a strange day for us. Jus thought I'd share that Pam-kin's |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Wendy the Brit on May 29th, 2003, 4:58pm Hello Jill Don's post, although very theoretical, is about as spot on as it gets. Every single person goes through these phases when they suffer a terrible loss like you have. All I would add is that the progression takes very different amounts of time for different people. You can't rush it BUT you can move through it more quickly via counselling and open talking with your family and friends. The time when the process 'blocks' and you get stuck in depression is when you close off and don't talk. People I have worked with who have done this find it very, very difficult to move into acceptance. They also find it hard to carry on with their own lives. I am so sure your Dad would want to you to miss him, but equally sure he would want you to go through this process and be able to get on with a happy life. I send you every prayer and wish from over the pond Wendy |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by middlecook on May 29th, 2003, 5:26pm Jill, I am so sorry to hear about your father. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Ree on May 29th, 2003, 5:44pm this is the most awesome thread.......... you have all touched me deeply in my soul and the power that we all have here is proof of the good in the world... Now with that proof of goodness is also the proof that life goes on. It has to. It is too great a miracle not to... I love you all ~~~Ree |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Callico_Kid on May 30th, 2003, 12:36am Jill, My heart aches for you and for your mom. The pain you are going through is far worse than a physical pain. you have suffered a wound that will take time to heal, but heal it will. There are things you can do to speed the healing as well as things that will slow it. Posting here is one of the best things you could have done now. It has helped you verbalize your pain and in so doing you are facing and dealing with it. I'm glad you posted. I've been concerned and have prayed for you, but not knowing how you were doing made that hard. You have our prayers and our care. Please share that with your mom and with Marty. You mentioned your anger with you mom about her getting rid of your dad's things. I can fully understand your feelings, but as Jackie said, she lost her partner and soulmate. For her to keep his things around would not be a reminder that would be helpful, but would rub the wound and make it even worse. She needed to do something to take the immediacy of the memories away. It does not mean that she does not care, but by far the opposite. Each of us has to deal with the grieving process in our own way, but each of us must deal with it. As Don and others mentioned, there are steps we each must take in the process, and they do take time. For myself I have had to reach outside of myself and help carry the load for someone else in order to make my own load bearable. it sounds like a paradox, but it really is not. When you are in church the next time ask your minister who in the church really needs prayer and then take the time to pray for that person or those people. You will be amazed what it will do for you. You may even find it replaces the meds. Praying for God's peace for you, Jerry |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by OneEyeBlind on May 30th, 2003, 5:55am Jill, no grief process is the same, although it all has the same steps that Don mentioned. When my first brother died at 28, I was numb for a week. Felt like he was always walking behind me ... it was a spooky feeling, but good at the same time. I got angry, depressed, felt isolated, and finally came the acceptance. My brother-in-law killed himself a few years later ... and watching my husband's experience death first hand was so hard for me, we both grieved, but he ached. My second brother died the next year ........... and the process started all over again. I hadn't even hit 30, and yet had lost so much. I still think of each of them, not every day, and not at the same time. Memories of each of them flow in and out of my daily life. And that's good. It's in the picking up and moving on that we grow. Just take it one day at a time, things do eventually get easier, and the memories one day will just make you smile and not cry. |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by catlind on May 30th, 2003, 7:47am Jill, First, do not compare yourself and your mother. You ARE different people, but it's not a case of one handling things better or not. You, like myself, were not living at home when your Dad passed away. For you, there is a state of suspended animation for lack of a better term. When you left, your Dad came home everyday. When you returned, he was gone forever. I STILL after 3 years, have a hard time walking into my mom's house and not expecting my Dad to come down the stairs and kiss me and say "Hi Punkin!" (I think all girls get that label ;) ). For those of us that are not present when our loved one dies, I think it takes that much longer for us to come to terms with them not being there. That's just my opinion. Here's a poem that always gave me great comfort, and still does: A Native American Prayer I give you this one thought to keep - I am with you still - I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the mornings hush, I am the swift, uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not think of me as gone - I am with you still - in each new dawn. Cat As an aside, everytime I read this thread, I cry. I cry for the pain of those who have lost a loved one, and I cry for my own dad who left me 3 years ago. Take comfort in the words of others, and know that someday, it will be easier. |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by dellp on May 30th, 2003, 1:38pm Hi Jill, I am so sorry for your loss. Your words have brought back a rush of feelings not felt for a long time. The support I see for you here brings tears to my eyes. My mother had a massive heart attack over 16 years ago. I won't go into the whole story, but she was unconscious and still alive when I found her. I called for the ambulance and gave her CPR for the longest 17 minutes of my life. She passed long before they arrived. I was a practicing chiropractor at the time so to me it was my lack of ability that let her die - it was clearly my fault. At the hospital where it took half an hour for them to pronounce her, my father asked if I was with her when she passed and I lied. I couldn't admit to my failure, not until I saw how he and my brother reacted with torrents of tears and howls of pain. That is when I told the truth an built a living hell that took years to climb out of. (God this is tough!) I was very fortunate in that it only took three years to really grieve my loss. Yeah, a long time, but a lot shorter than what many go thru. It took another five years or so before I could talk about it freely with out tears filling my eyes. I'm not sure why or how, but I have come to believe she chose me to be with her when she passed; not her husband, not any of the other three sons, but me, her 'baby'. I can feel her presence when I want her close and I know she did not intend for me to suffer as I did. It has been years since these memories have had such strong emotions with them, and these feelings are really for you and your mom, Jill. Have no doubt that your dad is with you right now, right now when you need him the most just like he always was. Some things never change. And I've asked my mom to stop by, if she hasn't already - she loved making new friends. So go get all the support you need. It is wonderful to hear you and your mom have each other right now. As you can see from this string of messages we are all here for you. And I am here for you. Any time, any thing I can do, just let me know. My prayers are with you and your family. Dell |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by kim on May 30th, 2003, 3:29pm I understand competely when you said "disappeared". It truly is how it feels to those of us left behind. But TIME will do it's work........and you WILL feel those things so beautifully described above. Jill, life is full of pain whose reward is empathy.... Hold the hands outstretched, know that your father will re-appear in time and in a way that brings you once again - joy. Thinking of you******* ............and also so very touched by the spirit of the folks round here! Much affection, Stinko PS: I hate to preach, but please ....vicodin and valium is not good for pain of the head or the heart........e-mail me if ya wanna talk about it. |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Opus on May 30th, 2003, 4:56pm Jill, First, I want to thank you for letting us know about what is going on. It takes great strength to ask for help. I too lost my father , he went into surgery on friday, was in a coma by saturday night and he died on sunday night. The one thing that I had that you didn't was the chance to say good-bye. You can still do that even though he is gone. you can write a letter or just speak to him. If you have already done this then you might want to continue until can accept that he is gone. Second, I want to commend you on your strength not to voice your anger at your Mother getting rid of the clothes. This is part of her healing process and there will be more to come. You have helped her in a great way by not stopping what you don't understand. Third, I hate to sound like a broken record but the drugs you are on will probably cause your grieving process to be much longer because the natural workings of your brain have been slowed. This may not be a bad thing right now but it will be harder in the long run. Also remember that this is nobodies fault, and nobody is to blame. Opus/Paul |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Jill on May 30th, 2003, 7:37pm Thanks guys for all of the advice and help - you all mean so very much to me. I am still having a hard time accepting that he is gone because still, to me, he has just disappeared and in my mind it is impossible for him to have died. That just cant have happened - it just cant. My mom and I are grieving two different ways and we are on two different levels of the grief steps. She has accepted that he is gone and is going on with her life - yes it hurts, yes she misses him and thinks of him so much and yes she hopes that he will come back but the key word is hopes. Mom is doing good - I am there for her and we talk about dad alot and that helps. I, on the other hand, expect to see him and that disappointment of him not being there is still far greater than I can explain. It is like they just erase him from everything - bank accounts, my school FAFSA form and all and that hurts. Instead of his name it is now mine because I have to cosign somethings. I get so mad because he isnt going to like this when he comes home - see what I mean? I went to a grief counselor today and I am going to meet with her for six weeks (once a week) and she is going to try and help me. She was really nice and this should help some. Other than that - my head is being evil again and I am so tired of it. I have a neurologist at John Hopkins (they are good I hear) on the 13th - we shall see how that goes. I have to rely on the vicodin and valium during the day to stay 'doped up' enough to get through the pain. How sad is that? I know how bad it is and then I take the thorazine (low dosage) at night. Hopefully the doctor will have some good idea on how to help... Thanks for everything - sorry it took so long to write back - you all are the best. Jill |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by juvy on May 31st, 2003, 4:05am Jill, *huge hugs* I know it's tough. And what you are experiencing is not stupid. It's actually normal for a lot of people after they lose someone they love. It's been 4 months since my grandfathers passed away and i still expect one of them to be there when i fly home. I'm upset because his possesions have been distributed between family members and my only thoughts are how's he going to feel coming home to an empty house? The bad news is the pain never goes away. It will lessen considerabley but it will never be completely gone. I can think of my grandfathers now and tears still roll down my face but my grief no longer overwelms me. My heart is still raw and i still wish more than anything to hear their voices, see their smiles, or have them hold me and tell me it was all just a bad dream. The sensible part of me knows this will never happen, yet i still hope. I still wait. I don't know how long part of me will continue to wait so i can't tell you how long you will wait. The only thing i can do is try to remember them with happiness and not let my grief distort those memories. I still think of all the times i could have spent just a few more minutes with them, let them know how much i really loved them. All the times i was in such a hurry and stayed only a few minutes. I have many regrets and at first they consumed me. They still assail me every now and then. don't worry about not being able to cry, you either will eventually or you won't. Everyone deals with their grief differently. When Buckwheat died 9 days after Pappa, i was so consumed with the grief of losing Pappa that i couldn't cry for Buckwheat. I was actually angry with him for deserting me when i needed him. Even now it's Pappa's death that consumes me. And part of me knows that it's not because i love him any more than i love Buckwheat but i feel guilty none the less. Grief does different things to different people. I only ask that you not berate yourself for feeling the way you do. You're not stupid nor are your feelings. These days its hard to find someone to talk to. In this fast paced world everyone expects you to suck it up and move on. But you can't move on until you're ready to. I go to work, I've manage to carry on in my life, it may seem that i'm doing fine, but inside i still hurt, i still grieve, i still wish for the comfort i can't find, i still wish for someone to talk to that truly understands. The only thing i can hope for is that things will get better in time. What a trite phrase. ~April |
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Title: Re: Needing of help... Post by Charlie on May 31st, 2003, 6:06am Death pisses me off. Soon, I'll be the oldest one left. If things go as they should, you get to go through this again. No wonder some humans, who have the questionable benefit of knowing of mortality, are prone to do some horrible things. It aiin't fair. I can tell you that it gets easier over time and that you'll always remember the good stuff. You'll do fine and that you posted here is a sign of that. Let us know how you're doing. Charlie |
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