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Title: Daybreak... Post by gtar_man on Feb 5th, 2003, 4:27pm ...and I open my eyes. For a fleeting moment, I hope against hope that this has all been a bad dream, and I'll again be the person I used to be; free to laugh, love, and go on with my life. But no. There it is, still in my head. Reality check. Nothing has changed. Twenty months since cycle #2 started; same pressure, same pain behind my eyes and nose. Been through the meds; nothing works, can't take the side effects, neurologists don't know shit. Waiting for the killer kips to start again. Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Take a shower, go to work. Somehow I get through another eight hours because I refuse - I REFUSE - to lose everything I've worked for. My glasses feel like a steel beam wrapped around my head, face feels like it's gonna explode. Go home, zone out on the couch while the wife cooks dinner. Poor kid. She wants - deserves - a life. She wants to go out on the town. Entertain friends. Redecorate the dining room, put a new deck on the house. I want to get through another day without eating my shotgun. Then again, why do I? Is there some point to living through periods of agony only to find misery on the other side? What's the point? Is it better to have my grandkids know me as the old guy who's no fun or just not know me at all? My wife's still young enough to find somebody that isn't a basket case. Do I have the right to make her suffer along with me? Then again, I'm not Einstein. Maybe there's a rationale for staying alive at any cost. Any of you guys know what it is? (Other than the going-to-Hell thing. Billy Graham said in a recent column that he doesn't think suicide is an automatic perdition sentence. And I don't know that the hell on the other side is worse than the one here anyway). Yeah, I'm losing it. That's why they call 'em SUICIDE HEADACHES, isn't it? |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by Margi on Feb 5th, 2003, 4:47pm Yeah, Gtar_man - I know the rationale for staying alive at any cost. Who's to say that YOU won't be the dude who someday stumbles across the cure. If you off yourself, then the rest of us will never know the secret. Stick around, friend - we got lotsa rope here if you feel you're running out. |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by SFChris on Feb 5th, 2003, 4:48pm gtar_man, That sucks!!! I haven't seen you post much lately. I'm sorry you are still having such a hard time. My last cycle was eight months long, and I swore that I would never enjoy life again... I was wrong. Life is, and will be great again for you as well. This cycle of yours will end, or change, or a treatment will be found. When you get really down you need to remember the good stuff, and KNOW that you will participate in it again. I really believe that I am a better man because of my cluster pain - life is sweeter while I am pain free. I no longer take anything for granted - I live each day. You will too. Have you wife log onto the message board and establish contact with people like Margi, and Ree, and all of the other supporters here. Stay in touch with us. Chris |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by jonny on Feb 5th, 2003, 4:52pm Dude, If I can go 14 years chronic starting at 14 years old with NO meds then you can keep going as I did. Never retreat, Never surrender!!!!!!!!!!!...........EVER!!! ........................jonny |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by firebrix on Feb 5th, 2003, 5:22pm check your IMs friend firebrix |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by 2late on Feb 5th, 2003, 6:05pm gtar_man.....you'll alway's be stronger than the beast & that will never change! "suicide" headach is bullshit, hang tough my brother & when you can't, reach down for somethin' extra that's inside all of us. you'll get relief, your one day closer today.....good luck!!!!! .........2late ...........2late |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by domm on Feb 5th, 2003, 6:10pm gtar_man - ditto to jonny's - Never retreat, never surrender. Depression is and continues to be a common theme amongst CHers. I know you hate meds, but perhaps a talk with the doc about paroxitine can help you kill two birds with one stone. Riccardo claimed some significant success with it and it is an SSRI used mainly for depression. Just a thought. But know we're here for ya, man hang tough because it does get better domm |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by Charlie on Feb 5th, 2003, 6:46pm Yeah, there's a point to being here. One of them, besides family, is your other family here and by the way; Who is to say you aren't the next candidate for total remission? It happens. Keep up the good fight Charlie |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by eyes_afire on Feb 5th, 2003, 6:59pm Hi Gtarman. I know what you mean. It's sickening, I've been there. Waking up every damn day with the CH beast... EVERY DAMN DAY! And the fact that I don't have a wife and kids has made the idea of offing myself... a bit tempting at times. But somehow I persist. I'm not here to preach, because I know that real depression feels horrible and can be something that transcends the intellect... it is a feeling (and many times with physical cause). I can only say: Stay alive to teach your grandkids about toughness. Stay alive because remission happens. Stay alive because you have not played your last gig. Stay alive to be a middle-finger in the face of the CH beast, the insurance companies, and those that refuse to believe that this is real. Stay alive because one day I will need someone to tell me why I should stay alive. |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by jonny on Feb 5th, 2003, 7:08pm on 02/05/03 at 18:59:32, eyes_afire wrote:
Outstanding, that is the best qoute ive seen since I have been here. Everyone read it and then read it again!!!!!!!!!!! ...........................jonny |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by Roxy on Feb 5th, 2003, 7:36pm I'm jumping right in there with jonny and eyes. That's some of the best advice I've ever heard. If things are looking that grim right now....just hold on to the thought that they have to get better. Accept all the help you can, and remember that we are all here for you. T |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by suzy617 on Feb 5th, 2003, 7:51pm Hang in there Gtar man, PF days may be just around the corner for you. Maybe there are some new meds out there that you havent tried. Don't give up, never give up. suzy |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by Aussie on Feb 5th, 2003, 8:10pm There are plenty of humans ( animals ) on this planet that deserve to die. Terrorist's, murderers, rapists, peodophiles, Iraqi presidents. While they still breath, we all must fight on. Only the living can shape our future, and you're a long time dead. |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by cootie on Feb 5th, 2003, 8:24pm "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Hey....Hang in there dude....you'll find help, brotherhood and a few laughs on here..........Pam |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by gtar_man on Feb 5th, 2003, 8:49pm Well, I was expecting to get told to quit being a melodramatic jerk and STFU but instead I get a bunch of great responses. Slap me upside my head - you guys are something else, and you're right, of course. It's just that NOBODY else understands what we go through and sometimes that big black cloud rolls in and blocks out the light. I haven't been around in awhile 'cause I thought I could handle things by myself, erroneous assumption. OK. Back to DEFCON1. I'm hangin'. Can't afford to lose even one of us, and I hope I can return the favor when one of you need it... |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by Mastifflvr28 on Feb 6th, 2003, 12:46am sigh gtar_man, I can't top what's already been said, btw, this family is the BEST. Just know I'm thinkin of ya Mast |
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Title: Re: Daybreak... Post by ozzman on Feb 6th, 2003, 10:31am gtar_man, I don't think I can add anymore to what has been said. The only thing I would suggest is that you try and meet in person with other clusterheads in your area. Meeting Tim_W, Joe, Mr Happy and Eyes_Afire was one of the most posistive things I have done related to CHs. I have had them for 14 years. Never once met someone in person that had them. The support on this website is A1. But when you meet others like you in person, it's a different feeling. Knowing that the person(s) sitting across from you have been there, they've dealt with it in different ways, they still deal with it and have made it, that my friend puts things into perspective. Hang in there. Oz |
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