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Title: Some Days... Post by Jill on Dec 8th, 2002, 11:25am There are some days when getting up is nowhere near worth the energy, when hiding seems to be the only solution to the problems that exist and when you just wonder what the point in even trying is. Days when you push ahead with all that you have and hope that that is enough to get by. There are days when no one understands, when no one cares and when that feeling of loneliness, no matter how hard you try for it not to, overwhelm the mind, body and soul. It is these days that are the hardest to get by, these days when it is so easy to hate the world, hate yourself and hate everyone else. And no matter what you do, there is no getting rid of the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and pure anguish that seem to attach to the heart and soul. There are times in life when these days come so frequently, times when the days flow into the nights just as a leaf flows with the river that it falls into. The nights do not break the days, the days do not break the nights and that time of rest is that unimaginable moment. These times are the hardest, the most difficult and the ones that seem to last the longest. I suppose it is obvious that today is one of those days; this week is one of those weeks when the days seem to drag on forever. One of those days when even a nasty look from a stranger at the store can send you over the edge and your temper seems short-circuited and you just want to look at them and yell. But you don’t because the pain is too bad and to yell would do nothing at that moment, to even express the anger that you feel is too exhausting. One of those days when you just want to sit on the bench and not play in the game because to play is too much, when watching it is so much easier. One of those days when the weight of the world is on your shoulders and no matter how much you want to pawn some off to another, you cant because no one is there to help or to care. This day, this week, this month, these last months have been full of hardships, pain and suffering. The beast has made his presence, his mark in my life and is here to stay for what seems like forever. We dance and we dance and we never cease to have a break, we never stop, the music never dies. No matter how much I want to change the beat of the music, no matter how much I want to hear my own song, my own music, his still overcomes mine. No matter how hard I try to step on his toes, grab onto someone else or even just rip myself away from him, he holds me closer. He is stronger than I and can still bring me to my knees crying, begging, pleading for relief. I no longer try to fight this beast, now it is just simple a simple plea that the pain will stop. A sense of dread, fear, panic haunts me as I wait for the next one, as I deal with the shadow, the reminder that he is there. I am writing this now, not for sympathy, not even for understanding but because it seems that there are times when I have nowhere else to turn, nothing else to do but write. Writing is all that I can do to cope, in a sense, with this battle that I have to fight, play with the cards that life has dealt me. Times when venting, complaining, being weak and pathetic is all that I can do in order to push through the thorns and the brush that cut me as I try to reach that mountain top. All I want is to see the stars, even if only for a moment, is that so much to ask? I want to hear the peacefulness of the ocean as the waves come in instead of the constant crashing that I hear now as the waves bang into the rocks. If just for a moment, a minute I could see or hear this, I would know that I would be fine. I am looking, I am listening so very hard but I cannot hear them. Thank you for being here, for reading these words and though I do wish that they were brighter, that the pain would ease a bit, they are all that I have. I know that I have asked a lot of everyone, I know that no one seems to have any more words to say and that is okay, I understand and though I wish it weren’t so, it is. If need be, I wont write, if that would be easier on everyone, I understand and I am sorry if it ever comes to that. I am sorry that I cant seem to help others, my battles take all that I have and yet I seem to crawl to you all for help, not fair I suppose. Guess I am a pretty pitiful person right now, sorry, I am just so very tired of it all but I suppose that everyone is right now… Jill |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by OneEyeBlind on Dec 8th, 2002, 11:36am Jill, as always, we are here praying for you and sending good vibes your way. Hang tough young lady ... for this to shall pass. |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by pjbgravely on Dec 8th, 2002, 1:13pm Jill, Always remember that you are never pitiful, you are special. Never be sorry for writing what you feel because that is the only way you can truly express yourself. This board is for venting. Though some call it whining most do not. Keep posting and keep on helping others. Both will make you stronger for the fight. I will be praying that you see the stars and hear the ocean soon. PJB |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by ave on Dec 8th, 2002, 1:30pm This is the place to rant, Jill, so go, girl, go! |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by Jill on Dec 8th, 2002, 3:56pm It seems to me that though we all suffer from this dreadful ailment for lack of a better word, some have it a bit better than others. It is heartbreaking to know that so many people suffer from this that cannot be denied at all. When it comes to support though, I have read so many worry about his or her partners, so many which have someone to turn to when times get bad. They have someone that knows when to walk away and at the same time be there when comfort is needed. They have someone who not necessarily sympathizes but also feels a sense of compassion for them. Some may not have as much compassion as others and sometimes times may get rough, but together they always pull through. It may be a parent, child, spouse or friend but there is someone to call upon when needed, no matter what time, what day or for how long. So why is that some of us have no one, why is it that everyone turns away from some of us? It has been posted on the board the last few days about how you should just forget those that don’t care, ignore them just as they ignore you but how do you do that when it is everyone, family and friends? My family instead supporting, caring or even trying to understand, they have turned a blind eye to my pain. They have seen me in the throws of dance, they know that when I have run out of the room clutching my head that I am getting hit and yet they don’t care. I have walked into conversations that I never should have heard, have been called so many names and been told that I am too needy for them. I try so hard to help them understand, try so hard to comply with what they say, and to do just as I am told, all to be ignored and bashed upon. With every visit I get my hopes that it will be different, that they will have changed just to be crushed as soon as I walk in the door to be yelled at for one thing or another. I dread the holidays, so far they have been a bust but I still hold onto the idea that it might be better. I guess that I will never learn to walk away, maybe it is just that I need them so badly right now, that I cant bear to let them go and though all they do is hurt me, it is something. Guess I am just not smart enough, strong enough or powerful enough to overcome letting their harsh words rip at my heart. When family turns away, what else is there? Some say friends but my friends have done the same to me. Some ran away as soon as times got bad, some tried to stick around just to leave when I needed them the most. Some have gotten at mad at me, some now hate me and some have expressed their feelings in the harshest of ways. I try to be a good friend, I listen to his or her problems and I put on an act that I am happy, just to appease everyone. How can I help it if I am too scared to go out for the fear of having to dance? What I wouldn’t give for a taste of their problems, if it would rid me of mine. I would much rather not have to worry about if people are going to notice the bruises on my face from me hitting my head, if I am going to make it out of the door to class that day or if I am going to have to run out of class or the mall like yesterday grasping my head crying because the beast has shoved his dagger into my face so fast that there was no time to react. Indeed, I would much rather have to worry about boys, looks, even if I am getting an A or a B in my classes instead of worrying about if I am failing or not. I am treated as though this is my fault, that I bring it on and that if I wanted the beast to be dead, the dance to be over it would. If it were that easy would I still be dancing today? Who ever wants this pain? Is it really my fault, what did I do? I guess that I can understand why they run, if I am such the person as I seem to be. So what else is there besides family and friends? I know that I have this family online and all those that actually care about me, that keeps me going. If I know this than why do I still wonder why I am here, what the point is? Why do I still feel like I am such a bad person, like everything is my fault? Why does it seem like everyone hates me? There are no answers to the questions, just as there is no way for me to see the stars or hear the water. I used to think that only the good people in the world got what they asked for and the bad people got what they deserved, their prayers went unanswered, their hopes destroyed. I guess that that means that I am a bad person, what other reason could there be? Thanks for being here, letting me rant, complain, whine, whatever to you. I am not sure why I have told you all of this; I think that I just needed to get it out for now. These days have been bad days and trying to pretend that I am well, that they are good is just to exhausting and only you guys are the ones that I can truly be myself to. It doesn’t seem to matter if no one answers, no one reads it so long as I can write. Thank you. Okay, now I am going to be quiet for a bit…thanks. Jill |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by OneEyeBlind on Dec 8th, 2002, 4:11pm Jill, if everyone else turns away, I can promise you that there will be one person left that you can always turn to. That is God. And if perhaps you think He is not with you, for you do not see his presence, then perhaps you should read the following. It has always been an inspiration to me in time of desperate sorrow. Footprints in the Sand One night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with God and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonged to me and the other to God. When the last scene of my life flashed before us I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life. This really bothered me and I questioned God about it. "God, you said that once I decided to open my heart to you, you would walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, in times when I needed you most, you should leave me." Then God replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you and I would never, ever leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you!" |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by pjbgravely on Dec 8th, 2002, 6:09pm " For I envied the arrogant, When I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills." Psalm 73:4,5 NIV The blessing of the righteous are not visible on the outside. The wicked appear to have the best life, but who will get the last laugh? "Surely you place them ( the wicked ) on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin. How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors! as a dream when one awakes, so when you arise. O Lord you will despise them as fantasies." Psalm 73:18-20 Psalm 73 is a great way to answer the aged old question " why bad things happen to good people?" PJB |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by Jill on Dec 8th, 2002, 6:49pm Faith is a funny thing sometimes; it is there when times are good but seems to diminish in the bad. It is called upon in the bad by those who never before have acknowledged it and forgot when times are better. Maybe it is just me, maybe it is just my view of it all goes that leads me to this feeling. So many times I have been told, promised that there is someone bigger than us all, something more powerful that all the men on earth and that though He may not have control over everything but He is watching us and is there to make sure that the load is not too heavy. And every time this was said, I believed them but now I often wonder. I guess that this is no place to say that my faith has been taken from just as everything else it seems has. Every night before I went to sleep, since I was little, I wished upon a star, just one wish on just one star. And it may seem crazy, childish or just stupid to some but it helped me get through some of the toughest part of my life. I used to wish on a star until a couple of weeks ago, until I realized that there were no more stars for me to see, until I realized that no one wants to answer, hear or even listen to my wishes, to my prayers. My wishes were simple, my prayers were not impossible to answer and whenever I wished, whenever I prayed I had no doubt that they would not be heard and that most every time they would be answered. Now though, now I guess I ask for too much or maybe there is no one to hear me. For awhile I used to keep looking, keep hoping that somewhere, somehow there was someone out there for me to lean on, that it was just me that had to find them. I have almost given up that look, given up hoping for someone to be there with me and never leave, given up that there is someone, something bigger than all of us, bigger than even that sky of stars I look for, that vast ocean that I admire. Maybe I am digging to deep here, maybe I am going in to far but what else am I to do? I always thought that with just belief, anything could happen but it does not seem that way anymore. I guess that I was just naïve when I was younger, maybe I was crazy for using these ideas to get through the bad times and now that things are really bad, I am learning that. I do love that poem; I have read it so many times. I just wish that I felt that I was being carried, felt that I wasn’t so alone in this battle, after all it is just this beast and I that are fighting. Maybe one day, I will recognize the help just as this man has, why do I doubt that? I cry now as I think of everything that seems to be gone, everything that I seem to have lost. I am sorry for bringing in faith, I know that to so many it is a sore subject and I can partly understand that. Maybe it is a good idea to bring it here, I am not sure. Thank you for everything, I do appreciate your kindness and your words do help me to heal my heart that is broken and to ease my soul that seems to be empty. Thank you for helping me, maybe one day if I ever get a break from dancing, I can help someone else. I wonder if that day will ever come… Jill |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by pjbgravely on Dec 8th, 2002, 7:17pm Jill, You have already helped a lot of us. You have a very bad case of CH but you are still hanging in there. You are very strong. About the support, I bet a lot of us have no supporters. It was so hard having CH's and working and taking care of a family. If I had your attacks that would have been impossible so I know God did help me. I don't understand why some people get hit so hard. Some people don't like to talk about God or faith but they never seem to join in on the threads. Hub is not afraid to tell the true way of salvation. I don't try to push my faith but I am always ready to help. I hope and pray you that you see the stars again and there is a glimmer of hope in your life. Some times God doesn't do big miracles but instead does little things to show us that He is still with us. Keep you eyes open and you will see them. PJB |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by Jill on Dec 8th, 2002, 10:13pm Thanks. I am not feeling very strong right now and by far not like I can offer any good but so is life. The physical pain of dancing with this beast can really take an affect on the body both physically and mentally, making it hard to function, hard to even think straight so many times. It is constant wonderment as to why we get any of this pain, why we have to dance with the beast as we do. For me, it is more like what have I done to deserve this torture and what do I keep doing that it wont let up at all? I too, wonder why some have to dance so hard and for so long, why some have shorter periods, why some never end. It is those questions that will never be understood, never answered and never really cared about by others. Maybe it is just as well; maybe this is what hurts so bad, maybe this is why people run away when times turn bad. Maybe this is why my parents hate me, why my friends stab me in the back, why no one even cares. Faith seems to be a very valuable tool and it is one that I wish that I carried with me right now, when I need it the most. I am looking for it, inside me but like the stars, it can not be found. I have been dancing with this beast for nine months now, going on eleven weeks of pure torture, no breaks and no relief though it has never been this bad. I carried hope and faith with me throughout these days, weeks, months when I thought that things could only get better. When things first got worse, I thought that it was a test though a test of what I don’t know. Now, I sit here with no faith that the beast will die, that the music will end and no hope to even wish on or dream of. What happened to it, where did it go? It seems so extreme to some, so crazy to others but to me it is just a sad reality. I cannot understand why I (or anyone) have been dealt this, why it won’t end and why life has to be so hard. Why it has to be so unfair, deliver pain that is so unneeded, so unnecessary, why it has to be so bad that it brings about hate into my heart. You reach a point in life when you say enough is enough and wonder what you can do about it, which is where I am right now. Enough is enough, I am tired of this pain, I am tired of trying to live a normal life when that is in no way possible, I am tired of dealing with people who don’t understand, who don’t care, tired of being exhausted, tired of the fear, the hate, the pain. Enough is enough, so what do I do? When does it end? I look for the stars, I listen for the oceans peacefulness, I search for my faith even for the smallest of miracles like you have said…so why do they all hide from me? More questions and no answers, no understanding…so is life it seems. Jill |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by cerebus on Dec 9th, 2002, 12:25am Jill, I have told you I don't know how many time that I care how much you hurt and it was for you and those like you that I wrote my thread "to the Beast : and those who don't get it." Please continue to lean on me. Cerebus |
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Title: Re: Some Days... Post by j.halber on Dec 9th, 2002, 4:40am Jill; I too suffer alone, so i understand.Some time ago i had to decide what i would do about my family myself.Why are they so hard to let go of?Especially when they do us no good.I guess for me I started using my pain as a need-o- meter.Do I need the pain or do I need my family. Cause if I keep my family and keep hoping that they will one day see who i really am I will probably keep the pain because they never ever will.Maybe that's part of the reason we have this.The disease of the need to please and to be liked.Strangely enough after about a year of struggle I finally decided that i would just give up and realise it would never happen and too bad for them they will miss knowing a very intesting cool person and just when i was at peace with that my mom fell and cracked a bone in her vertabrae and suddenly she understands a bit of my pain.I DO NOT WISH ANY BAD ON YOUR FAMILY.I guessI am just trying to say maybe when we do what is good for us and let go maybe things and people come around. in the end the most important person is us and we need to dump all that doesn't feed us and trust me i know it isn't easy.And we have to like ourselves! I'm sure you are a very good and kind person, can see that in your mails, and maybe people sometimes just get scared of us because we are not in their realm of what should be normal.It screws them up, the strange and unknown.In my experiences over the years I have found that the insecurities and hurt and anger just feed the beast.It takes a lot of work but cleaning up my very dangerous and messy brain has really helped me.Like they say change the way you think change your life!And faith and hope are all I have and they are very hard to hold onto since they are invisible but I can pray all I want but they just keep telling me to do the work and They will only present things to me along the way to help.I just have to see them.Sometimes that really hard too!It is a very long road but somehow one we are supposed to be on...unfortunately.We just have to figure out how to get off it and that is the really tough part.But at least mine are getting less and better and I sure wish you the same.Take really good care of you, you're worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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