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        New Message Board Archives >> 2002 Posts >> Winter Gloom..
        
(Message started by: Jill on Dec 5^th, 2002, 3:58pm)

Title: Winter Gloom..
Post by Jill on Dec 5^th, 2002, 3:58pm

I am sorry for writing such gloom again, it is so much nicer to read the good, I know, just wish that I felt that. There is no need to write, I understand (I think) if no one does, I just need to write…crazy maybe but a necessity for me.

It is cold, snowy, dark and a bit nasty outside right now, guess the weather is a direct reflection of my mood. The snow was so beautiful earlier, now it is a just an image of gloom, of despair and of sadness.

Just when I get used to, well as much as possible, when the beast and I are going to dance and to the music in which we dance to, it all changes. I never know now when we are going to dance, the beat that will play or the rhythm that will echo on my head. Anytime, anywhere his power and strength can bring me to my knees crying, pleading, begging for relief. His daggers are being thrust into my head ever two to three hours, no shorter and no longer and no breaks. When he is not trying to dig out my eye, not trying to kill me, he lurks, a reminder that he is there. Just when I overcome one, recover some of my strength its time for another dance, another beat playing in my head.

I have been left with a pure fear of leaving the safety of the apartment with no meds to abort the pain, nothing, not even my bag of peas that came out with every dance. There is nothing like having to scream in the middle of class and have to run out of the room in tears, having to pull off to the side of the road or the nearest gas station just to bang my head on the steering wheel just to distract myself from the pain, nothing like trying to make Thanksgiving dinner with all of the pain and agony. No, nothing like it, it seems. It is just this beast, me and my fear right now, all dancing together in the dark.

I read of others that are pain free, maybe hits a couple times a day and wonder why I can’t have that, why it cant be easier. I feel for anyone and everyone who has to go through this, I do. I am losing hope that there will be a time when this is less painful, when I wont have to dance with this beast, when the stars will come out and I will be able to wish on them again. I feel that most are losing hope, family, friends, doctors that don’t understand and never will even try to grasp what this has done to me, to them too I think.

So now I face finals next week, a test tomorrow after failing two already this week, barely making it through one and having to leave during the other. The exhaustion from the lack of sleep the last ten weeks…ten weeks wow…has finally caught up with me, leaving simple tasks a chore to do. Life can sure deal you some hard cards to play sometimes.

Nine months of this, ten weeks of pure torture and I am left to wondering if there is really an end to this pain and agony, if I am going to be able to make it through the next dance without just collapsing, if I will ever reach the top of the mountain to enjoy the view, if the tears will stop flowing, stop flowing like the river flows.

And…when will the stars come out? When will the ocean sound peaceful again?

Thanks for listening, sorry that this is better, that I am not better….a disappointment to me and sorry if I sound selfish, like a baby or just plain pitiful.

Jill :'(

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by echo on Dec 5^th, 2002, 4:06pm

You're not pitifull Jill. You're just wore to the quick. I truly wish there was a miracle cure I could send your way. Understanding what you're feeling, and being able to relate just dosen't make it.

Hang tough Jill. Give it your best on those tests tomorrow, hopefully your teachers understand what you are dealing with. Pass the tests and shove the passing grade in the beasts face, to prove to him you're not giving in to him.

Take care

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by suzy617 on Dec 5^th, 2002, 4:12pm

Good luck on your tests Jill. I feel terrible that nobody can help you with this terribly long cycle you are enduring and hope you find a whole nights sleep soon.
Good luck,

suzy

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by cathy on Dec 5^th, 2002, 4:19pm

Sorry you're feeling so bad, but don't apologise you have the right more than most to feel what the hell you like...............
Thinking of you and wishing you well, good luck in your exams show the beast who's in charge.
Cathy

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by domm on Dec 5^th, 2002, 4:26pm

Jill - been thinking of you. Saw some posts that indicated you were feeling a little better anyway (you were posting in reply to someone else). There is sunshine after the storm. And life is sweeter because of it.
hang in - we're still here and still looking for ways to encourage you
domm

Title: :)Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by Jabeen on Dec 5^th, 2002, 5:22pm

I have always found writing to be cathartic-you should never feel bad about writing how you feel. People can choose to read it or not-Hang in there. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
Jabeen :) :) :)

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by Lori on Dec 5^th, 2002, 11:37pm

Jill---(((((((Hugs)))))) to you and to hoping you have PF days soon!

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by woobie on Dec 6^th, 2002, 2:22am

Baby....You know how I feel and I am soooooo Sorry that you are still in pain. I just sent you another email.
Keep writing, Keep Hoping (NEVER EVER lose HOPE)
take It frome one who suffers more than just the Beast.
Still Here for you.
Cerebus

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by cerebus on Dec 6^th, 2002, 2:25am

Whoops....I guess I posted under my wifes nic. Anyway the previous reply to your thread was from me the one the only Cerebus. ;)

Many wishes of PF moments for you
Cerebus

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by Riccardo on Dec 6^th, 2002, 2:46am

All what others said.....

Love you, daughter :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by OneEyeBlind on Dec 6^th, 2002, 3:45am

Jill, great big fat <<<<hugs>>>>> coming your way. Does the doc have any new ideas he is gonna try? When is your next appointment? Have you tried Charlies method? Have you tried the jumping jacks? Have you tried running through the streets naked on a snow covered night with your arms flapping (never mind ... that ain't such a good idea ... but just picture it. It might put a smile on your face !!!). You know I am pulling for you. Call that doc every day until he gives you more Imitrex. At least that somewhat works for you. In the meantime ... hugs and prayers coming your way. Hang tough and I will see you soon.

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by ZAIRA on Dec 6^th, 2002, 5:56am

Hi Jill,
I am not the right person to encourage you me too I am bad, but thinking of all persons who encourage me...this gives me the force to fight.

I think of you, I will pray for you so that you can overcome this bad times...know that I will be whit you...

Love, yr. friend fom Italy,

Zaira :-*

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by Jill on Dec 6^th, 2002, 8:30am

Thanks guys...

I am losing hope in this pain ending, losing hope that the beast is not going to make me dance with him anymore. I have lost everything else, it seems, why not this too.

Everywhere I turn there seems to be a brick wall, no way to get away, no turn to take. I went to the doctors on Monday, hoping for answers, desiring a solution, taking tons of information. No luck, he doesnt know what to try, doesnt know what to do to help...he has hit the wall too.

I have tried everything that he could think of, I just dont understand. Now he has me on 125 mg of Indocin with another med to combat the side affects with. Nothing, it does nothing and now the beast is mad because I am having to dance more, harder, fiercer than before.

I cant get anymore imitrex, no matter how much I beg, believe me I have tried. He wont prescribe oxygen or any other abortives because than I would use them everyday.

I have tried water, jumping jacks, sticking my head in the freezer, Charlie's method, everything and anything even going as far as running out into the snow and though I didnt run naked, I threw myself on the ground and buried my head into the snow. Nothing.

So here I am. Its a new day, the sun is out and I am still feeling crappy, we are still dancing no breaks. Between the snow, my head and the fact that my car is still buried in and I have no energy to dig it out, I am going to just hide in the apartment. Seems easier than having to face the world that seems to hate me already.

I hope that I make some sense, I am so tired right now that even to write is a challenge, thinking of the words is almost impossible. The only thing that comes easily are my tears which never seem to end.

Thanks for the kind words, they do help if only to mend my broken heart and ease my soul. Thank you.

Jill

Title: Re: Winter Gloom..
Post by brain_cramps on Dec 6^th, 2002, 10:51am

hang in there. there's a door somewhere in that wall. I know cuz I've been thru it.

pulling for you