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        New Message Board Archives >> 2002 Posts >> "And all that you know slips away..."
        
(Message started by: Night_Owl on Nov 9^th, 2002, 11:45pm)

Title: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by Night_Owl on Nov 9^th, 2002, 11:45pm

Hello everyone. I haven’t been around here in a while. Things are hard. I have received e-mails from a few people. I appreciate the support. I really can’t put into words what has been happening. But I guess I will try-

A senior at my High school shot and killed himself last month and since then, suicide is about all that I have been thinking about. Not seriously killing myself, but what it would be like to just let everything go. I don’t think I have ever been this low. I am just sick of everything. I have a situation at home that isn’t going well. Rafe and I broke up after being together for two years, and I don’t know what will happen now. We have been best friends for a long time. I hate school. Between the people giving me shit and the teachers with their attitudes there isn’t much to look forward to besides getting out of the house. Just to give you all a picture, I don’t wear makeup, dress in baggy clothes, hang out with guys and my best friend Josh, looks like Edward scissor hands with a laid down mo hawk. So I don’t fit in well. I may as well not have a voice, because no one seems to listen to me anyway. I hate this place. I am so sick of people. Why are things so messed up? It seems that no matter how loud I scream no one ever listens. I am in that black room with no working lights. I don’t like the fact that I can’t do anything to fix anything. I hate being in this box. I try to keep myself busy, I try to keep myself focused, but still my efforts seem so pointless in the big mess of things. I am not seeing a point. I have thrown myself headfirst into my music, but I feel that I am going to run out of that sooner or later. I am just wasting time. I am so tired. My head hurts. That is just pointless. No one gives a shit about that, so I am no longer complaining. I try to fix the problems that I have, and in the meantime others arise. It is a continuous cycle. I guess half of the things that are bothering me shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I face this shit everyday and it is kind of hard not to let it get to me. If I didn’t have my parents I would kill myself. Right now living under the same roof, I am afraid they would feel too much guilt, and they aren’t the entire problem. I am listening to All Eyes On Me by The Goo Goo Dolls right now. I love that song. It is so good. I feel a bit better now, maybe because someone out there is reading this and partially understanding, or maybe because I haven’t said anything to anyone in so long. I just can’t think straight anymore. Everything is so messed up. Sorry to depress everyone. Hope all is well with the rest of the world.

Night_Owl

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by GlendaB on Nov 10^th, 2002, 12:08am

Hi Night_Owl!

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time right now:'(. Wish there were something I could say or do to make things look more positive for you.

Keep our head up and I'm praying that your life will look a lot brighter for you tomorrow. Sometimes just a good nights sleep can work wonders ;).

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by marty on Nov 10^th, 2002, 12:13am

Hi Night_Owl..

I'm sorry to hear that you feel bad. I read your post and I just wondered to myself; let's say that the teachers that are giving you a hard time, and all the others who turn their backs at you, were to be "ordered" to stand still, listen to every word that you had to say (without talking back) and follow the reqeusts that you had..

What would you tell them?

Let it out >:( you can even pretend that I am one of them - that way you'll have a"target".

Marty

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by Night_Owl on Nov 10^th, 2002, 12:42am

I don’t expect people to stop their lives and help me out. I don’t even care if I get a courteous word. I just wish that they wouldn’t make it any harder. I have thought about that. Thought about people having to listen to me for just a few minutes, or having to see things through my eyes. I don’t think that people notice a lot of the things that I notice, or think about some of the things that I think about. I am not quite sure what I would say. It depends on who I am talking to I guess. I don’t bother people. I don’t even really talk to anyone other than Josh at school. I don’t know what I would say. I would have to show them I guess.

Night_Owl

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by Not4Hire on Nov 10^th, 2002, 1:02am

hey 'owl...even when it's dark outside....we're here....hang in...ya always gotta place........

here's a quote from a book by Robert Heinlein...a crusty ole fart like me (and charlie).....something to think about........

"It scared him a little. He had once heard, and was inclined to credit, that a loss of interest in living marked the true turning point in the battle between anabolism and catabolism--old age. He suddenly envied normal short-lived people--at least they could go make nuisances of themselves to their children."
Lazarus Long in Methuselah's Children

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by marty on Nov 10^th, 2002, 1:09am

Night_Owl..

It is "funny" what CH does to you after a while. I am pretty new here and haven't really read any of your previous posts, but I can tell that you have had a rough time with CH.

The bad thing (in my experience) is that people (in general) don't have a clue as to what "we" are talking about and after a while we tend to go along: "If I have a headache!! Yes I have a headache - now leave me the fuck alone!!" - I scare them off.. I don't mean to -but I do..

Atleast I cannot help myself when it comes to people asking me "stupid" questions like that when I am in cycle, even though I know that they mean well.

I tend to distance myself from everybody and I know that it is not a good thing to do but sometimes I just get so mad!! It is like there is this wall built around me and I will not let anyone enter.

Being in school must make it so much harder - kids can be really mean and to counter that you may have to put up a front - like you said about being in a crowd where you don't really belong - but we do find ways to deal with problems as they come along.

Question: Is there anyone where you live that have CH? Maybe that could be a person that you could talk to face-to-face? Maybe that would help.

I am not trying to tell you that I have the answers - I most likely do not have them, but sometimes it helps just to vent a little bit - since we CH'rs are a little bit reserved when it comes to expressing what we feel because we don't want to burdon others with our "little" headaches and sleepless nights..

Marty

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by Night_Owl on Nov 10^th, 2002, 1:24am

It is funny what pain does to a person. Both physical and emotional pain. I have turned into this bitter hateful person. I was never like this.

Night_Owl

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by Mark C on Nov 10^th, 2002, 1:45am

Good Post Night Owl,
Better to come here and vent to the "family" than jump off a bridge.
I have buried 4 friends and family in the last 15 years from suicide. I am sorry that they chose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. At is best life seems to be hard, CH sure adds pain to the equation. I believe misery is optional though.
I hear several things in your post that are positive, your music, your parents, Josh's haircut ;) Good things.
I was sixteen once, for a whole year! Pretty damn hard as I remember, child one minute, adult the next, with CH to boot! Sucked.
Many many times in my past I have shared the same feeling you have and a dear old friend shared something with me I am going to share with you.
It was during my rather nasty divorce, bad scene, police, court, kids, money, everything sucked. I was in the bowels of despair when my friend, Ben, suggested this to me.
He said "Mark, I want you to go and do something good for someone".
I thought, hell thats easy, I can do that.
Then he added........."and don't tell anyone about it".
What?! I thought he was crazy but I will tell you what it did for me. It got me out of myself. I started doing volunteer work at a local teen alcohol & drug rehab. I wound up doing it for two years, it was great.
Go and find someone who needs your help, elderly, handicapped, tone deaf, or ugly, it don't matter. The world is too big and sad, and needs your help!
One more thing, the key to happiness is the ability to smile in the middle of a shit storm, so smile! ;D

You like bad haircuts? Look here..... :o
www.mulletsgalore.com/

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by OneEyeBlind on Nov 10^th, 2002, 5:14am

Night Owl, good to see you posting. We've been missing you. Sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now. I am sending you "One Single Rose" to cheer you up and let you know I care. Check your emails.

Nancy

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by Peppermint on Nov 10^th, 2002, 7:14am

Hi Night... its been a while..and I'm sorry that things haven't gotten better for you. :(

Its hard being a teenager as it is, so many things that you are trying to figure out, and then to have CH - it has to be overwhelming.

Mark has a good point - there are positive things in your post; hang on to those, tie a knot at the end of your rope, you know? I don't know what I could say to make you feel better, I have neither perspective to speak from. However, I was once 16 (lets not think about how long ago that was!) and I know that sometimes it sucks - but you have to find the positive for you.

Ahhhhhh...I dunno... :-/ . Just remember this - I'm listening, if you want to talk.. and so it seems are many others here.
You know where to find me...if it will help.
Hang in there kiddo...
Peppermint :)

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by 7yrscronic on Nov 10^th, 2002, 7:38am

Mark, smile in the middle of a shit storm? I hope you carry a toothbrush ;D
Night owl, I'm sorry to hear about your problems. Life is hard enough at sixteen, with CH to boot. I was your age not too long ago and I had to deal with CH while in school. I hung around the same kids you do, I never really fit in either. I wish there was something I could do to help you out. If you need anything or just need to talk, feel free to email me -Digitalfilm@hotpop.com. Keep your efforts in your music. It's usually a good escape, and yes, try to smile in the middle of a shit storm.....just keep your mouth closed! ;D
-Todd

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by pjbgravely on Nov 10^th, 2002, 8:13am

on 11/10/02 at 00:42:28, Night_Owl wrote:

I don?t expect people to stop their lives and help me out. I don?t even care if I get a courteous word. I just wish that they wouldn?t make it any harder. I have thought about that. Thought about people having to listen to me for just a few minutes, or having to see things through my eyes. I don?t think that people notice a lot of the things that I notice, or think about some of the things that I think about.

Night, We are listening and will stop our lives if we can help. When people don't understand and make things worse just remember that they don't know any better. Everybody sees the world in a different way, and notice different things, It's hard when you have run out of friends who know how you think and feel. PJB

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by 2late on Nov 10^th, 2002, 8:21am

night, i'm sorry to hear your goin' thru such a rough time.I had some serious issues i carried around with me thru childhood, i finally got professional help in my teens & i've been fine ever since. I'm not suggesting you see a shrink but by the same token some things we can't tackle on our own & talkin' to a prfessional can help. good luck & i hope things work out for ya! ..........2late

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by catlind on Nov 10^th, 2002, 8:49am

Owl,
You do have a voice, and it is heard loud and clear here with your family in clusterville. You are young and dealing with things that adults have a difficult time dealing with, yet your wisdom and maturity beyond your years is carrying you through.

I am now 34, but I can tell you that I remember like yesterday the pain of what you are going through. Belonging to no one group in high school, being set apart because well I guess because I did it to myself. It wasn't until they kicked me out that I found out I was popular - that's why they kicked me out of school....I would skip school and still maintain an overall average of 79% (back then honours was 80%) and there were people who were trying to do the same thing I was (I didn't know that) and they kicked me out because I was influencing people who didn't have the same 'ability' I did.

Suicide is difficult. The questions left unanswered are so difficult to deal with. When I was in high school I had three friends commit suicide. I did public speaking and the speech I wrote was about teen suicide. I still remember it, I said it so many times, I made it to the all Ontario competition with that speech.

There's nothing that can ease your life, except the knowledge that there are those of us who understand. I wanted to kill myself too, even tried in my teen years....boy what a mess that caused.

You are family here, and we listen to all the things you tell us, and we can empathize and we can sympathize and we can comfort you and let you know you are not alone and that you are loved here as much as you are by your parents.

Email me if you want to talk in detail about some of the things I've said - catlind@twcny.rr.com.

If you haven't seen it, rent and watch the movie What Dreams may Come. It may not comfort you in your split up or your friends suicide, but it may show you something else.

I'm here for you kiddo, just say the word and what ever you need is yours

Cat

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by Cathi on Nov 10^th, 2002, 1:10pm

Hey, Night-
You are into some really tough times, and I'm so sorry! Both my kids, not that much older than you, went through the "boxed in- but all-alone" depression that IS the High -School dilemna........you WILL ease out of it- I assure you- but how do you deal till then? As others have noticed, there are so many layers to you, Night-so much you can do! Your music is probably the easiest to lean on for comfort-do it now, FOR YOU!! You're in a tunnel, Night- but, you see, tunnels have a way in & a way out-you're on your way out......
I kept a letter from an old High School friend- he wrote "Life sucks- nobody understands me- no one really cares......as soon as I can get enough money together, I'm just gonna leave this place- don't try to talk me out of it".........my friend is all grown up and most likely doesn't even remember that letter- but wht an incredible person that friend turned out to be. It was MY reminder, when my own kids were in that nasty
point in time, that this, too will pass.
Maybe that's no comfort...perhaps it's hope?
Ya got tons of friends, here, Night- let them help you now....just ask....
Cathi

Title: Re: "And all that you know slips away..."
Post by cerebus1968 on Nov 10^th, 2002, 6:55pm

uh....Night-Owl?
sounds like me a few weeks ago.....drag really, but I have to say.....other than the teenage suicide thing and your recent breakup (my condolances) you werent very specific on much else. I know you are depressed but take it from me the vicious circle does end if you let it.
I like to listen to music when I'm depressed too, I have a nasty habit of trying to find the most depressing songs I have in my collection, and for a little while, things dont seem so bad.
It's been a long time since I was in High school and during my sophmore year my dad passed away and things seemed to go straight downhill for me since then, but ya know, ever since I met my wife and had my kids the depression hasnt been so bad, LOL maybe because they keep me so busy I dont have time for much else.
Anyway my point is that things arent as bad as they may seem no matter what and if you need to talk you can e-mail me just dont dispair ok.
Captain R.D. Brown ;)