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        New Message Board Archives >> 2002 Posts >> National Lampoon Headlines
        
(Message started by: Ted on Sep 23^rd, 2002, 11:58pm)

Title: National Lampoon Headlines
Post by Ted on Sep 23^rd, 2002, 11:58pm

Fed likely to leave rates unchanged; "I've paid off my mortgage," explains Greenspan

Viagra may treat lung disease; definitely NOT recommended against Hardening of the Arteries

Pentagon gives Bush Iraq plans; Press expected to give Hussein copy shortly

Astronomers discover flicker of light from 14 billion years ago; indicates that either most modern theories about the cosmos are correct, or that God has a huge electric bill

PTA tries to involve Hispanic parents; forms "dishwashing committee"

Johnny Carson battling emphysema; "wha-hack-hacky stuff," coughs beloved comedian

Bucktoothed dinosaur found in China; scientists suspect that prehistoric creature had yellow skin, an inscrutable disposition, and couldn't drive for shit

Jupiter-like planet discovered; "that's just a code-word for fat" sneers Mercury

World's fastest man, Bob Hayes, dies at 59; obvious lesson about the fleeting nature of life promptly ignored by all

Sesame Street unveils first HIV+ muppet; puppeteer afraid to insert hand into it

European scientists mass produce antimatter; 90% of insane supervillains still prefer to make it by hand

Children who show little fear of anything are 3 times more likely to succeed in sports; "of course, children who do well in sports usually have less to fear," notes timid 4th grader before getting wedgied by angry jocks

Rumsfeld says that "US will not go to war with Iraqi people"; apparently slightly unclear as to who makes up their army

Hurricane Isidore blasts Yucatan; forces thousands to evacuate, washes millions more