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        New Message Board Archives >> 2002 Posts >> Watch out for self pity!
        
(Message started by: StanTheMan on Sep 19^th, 2002, 2:23pm)

Title: Watch out for self pity!
Post by StanTheMan on Sep 19^th, 2002, 2:23pm

As I've browsed through some of the threads here, I felt it would be appropriate to mention
something that has been touched on, but perhaps not directly.

(A little background)
Before I started having CH's I had a NASTY bout with clinical depression -- really bad!
Forced me to quit my job, go on medication, get counseling, etc.

One of the most important lessons I've learned from those dark times, (and reminded as I deal with CH's, is to WATCH OUT FOR SELF PITY!

Self pity, although understandable from a human standpoint, and can seem relatively harmless, is actually very insidious and destructive.

Interesting how we make it so easy to justify in our minds ...

("Why shouldn't I feel sorry for my self ?!?!? Look at the mess I'm in!")

It feeds negative thinking and depression to the point of getting you ensnared in a vicious circle that can be tough to break. It contributes nothing to relationships. In extreme cases it can repel those that are close to us.

I finally learned that I had to fight self-pity with every ounce of my being. It became my #1 enemy for quite some time. And I still have to battle with it today, from time to time.

Hope this doesn't sound like I'm lecturing ... well, okay, maybe I am.

My point is that I think it's fine to "vent" our frustrations in this forum. We all need to "vent", from time to time. It's healthy to express frustrations, sorrows, even anger.

But I would encourge you to take a moment to examine yourself, your thoughts, your words and ask yourself "Am I engaging in "stinkin' thinkin'? (self pity).

I say this to ALL of us... myself included! We need to support and encourage each other through good times and bad. But be careful ... encouragement and support can easily lapse into "pity parties" which really don't help, and can actually hurt in the long run.

Climbing off my soap box now!

;D

Stan

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Elaine on Sep 19^th, 2002, 3:53pm

I agree with your post all the way! I am clapping and giving it a stand ovation(sp)!

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Slammy on Sep 19^th, 2002, 4:01pm

Ditto what E said!

My sentiments exactly!.... though Slammy doesn't put it so eloquently! ;D

Slammy 8)

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by jonny on Sep 19^th, 2002, 4:54pm

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE NEW DUDE!!!!

I like this guy!!!!

.....................jonny

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by oringkid on Sep 19^th, 2002, 5:19pm

Quite!!

Sherry

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by LTBullitt on Sep 20^th, 2002, 5:08am

If I lost the self pity I would have nothing. :)
Cereal though, a good post and I do try to listen and follow the way.
Have you guys tried the Rocky 3 technique?
down on the beach, in the ring
"eye of the tiger Rocky, eye of the tiger" hehe

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Charlie on Sep 20^th, 2002, 6:56am

Velly velly nice Stan. Good post. Self pity: NFG

I hope it's okay for me to remain bitter though ;D

Charlie 8)

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by catlind on Sep 20^th, 2002, 11:32am

Agreed, continuous and endless self pity accomplishes nothing and turns friends into enemies.

Cat

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Bob P on Sep 20^th, 2002, 11:53am

But it is OK if we all pity Jack and Hub.

They've earned it!

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Drk^Angel on Sep 20^th, 2002, 12:41pm

If I don't pity myself... Who will? :P

PFDAN...................... Drk^Angel

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by LTBullitt on Sep 20^th, 2002, 11:50pm

This post is sticking with me even though I had intended to disregard it b/c of it's title. I wallow in ignorance and short sightedness to the point I should be a MD.
But I noticed after an attack the words "watch out....." kept echoeing in a Syd Barrett kinda way throyghout my head. They wanted attention as much as the aftershock of the CHs. Now the thoughs are more frequent. Trying to have a shower, thinking to myself, trying to live anykind of life.
They may even yell at me if a gun or a razor is trying to sneak it's way into my hands.
Alot of the effect also comes from watching others not whinning the way I will most times.
I watch my g/f in the winter forcing her hands apart with tears in her eyes to hide the pain of Chronic Arthritis she has had since she was 10.
She never mentions it. She goes to works. She has a child she raises. She is nothing but compassion and understanding throughout all my illness, during the worst of the cycle I'm a gd madman.
It's rather funny someone has to post a subject on the internet and I finally wake up after 12 years as to what my behaviour has come to.
I can't promise not to have the bad days, or to scream and cry at times. But I can stop making my life a theatre of self pity.
For now it's working and I am coping better.

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by oringkid on Sep 21^st, 2002, 11:19am

Good for you, Bullitt! Can't change anything about yourself until you recognize it. And it ain't easy even then. But you can at least try then.

Good luck in your quest to learn how to enjoy your life.
Believe me, it is worth it! I am still on my journey, but, boy has just being on it made a difference!!

Sherry

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by paul_b on Sep 21^st, 2002, 11:56am

There is a difference between self pity and venting. Let it OUT, feels good.

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Elaine on Sep 21^st, 2002, 12:12pm

This is difficult to say without feeling harsh and judgmental, but here goes--self-pity is an extreme form of egocentrism, and usually a result of a very selfish perspective of the world. People who regularly engage in self-pity are miserable, and they tend to make others quite unhappy, too.
Of course, we have to separate self-pity from depression and grief and sadness. The person who engages in self-pity is looking for sympathy from others, usually, for in that sympathy they hope to find their happiness, their pleasant feelings. They're depending on support and encouragement from others to make them feel better; unfortunately, such a dependence is very similar to a chemical dependence--the high soon wears off, and they need another fix. Fortunately, the number of people who constantly pity themselves is rather low, it seems, though we all know one or two of them. Their fixation on what's going wrong in their lives is like sandpaper on our brains--it's annoying and harmful, especially since they never seem to listen when we point out what's right in their lives, and just how much the positive out-balances the negative. They don't want to acknowledge this because then they'd no longer have a reason to feel bad for themselves.

It's important, though, that we don't throw around the term and apply it to just anyone. We must be sensitive to what the other person's going through. Someone did that to me once--, I went through quite a few spells of severe depression. I didn't want to be there (in the depressed state), and I hated it and tried to get out, but there I was--extremely depressed. One evening, one of my co-workers quite cheerfully noted that I was having a "pity party," telling me, in essence, that what I was going through was my choice, that I wanted to pity myself. I can't tell you how much that hurt me, and I'll never know if that particular comment extended that episode of my depression.

On the other hand, there's one person in my life who's never happy or content with her life. She has a definite martyr complex--things are always bad, and getting worse. Interestingly enough, though, whenever I'm over visiting, all these horrible things that I've been told on the phone just aren't there. I learned long ago that what she wants is sympathy, and I try to give as much as I can without helping to perpetuate her attitude. She also thinks that the sort of things that are "happening" to her just don't happen to anyone else--nobody else could have so many problems.

I also know many people who have things much worse than she ever will, and they don't do a bit of complaining. They look at what they have in life, and they appreciate it and do their best with it. It's impossible to convince her, though, that she's fortunate--she and her husband have a steady income, they own their own home, they're never without food, they have plenty of luxuries, they have a nice car, they live in a beautiful town. But none of that matters, because things are awful at work and she thinks she'll have to quit soon because she thinks she's working too many hours (and has been for the last five years). No one keeps in touch with her and no one remembers her, even though she's in constant contact with many friends that she's known since childhood. And on and on.

I don't criticize her for this behavior, for I've seen where it comes from. I do feel bad for her because she makes herself quite unhappy by focusing on what she sees as bad things in her life. She just doesn't see the positive at all, and I've never heard her admit to any sort of happiness. She's unhappy because things happen to her, because life's unfair to her, but she's never happy about her accomplishments or the positive things in her life. And that's sad, for she has plenty of both. She chooses not to see them, though. And what's worse is that she doesn't get the pity or sympathy she so strongly desires--everyone caught on to her years ago. So she goes on looking at the world darkly even though the sun shines brightly.

Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it,
we can never do anything wise in this world.

Helen Keller

Self-pity is a death that has no resurrection, a sinkhole from which no rescuing hand can drag you because you have chosen to sink.

Elizabeth Elliot

Others may argue about whether the world ends with a bang or a whimper.
I just want to make sure mine doesn't end with a whine.

Barbara Gordon

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by oringkid on Sep 21^st, 2002, 12:31pm

Wow E, that is soo cool!

I have been struggling with self-centeredness and pessimism and attention seeking all my life. Wasn't til I was in my late 20's that I even realized what my problem was and that it was what was making me miserable not my situation or circumstances.

I have been working ever since to try to change that and I am happy. Happier than I probably should be given my circumstances, but happy for the most part nonetheless.

The hardest thing to learn is that you can't and shouldn't rely on others to make you happy. Happiness can only come from within yourself.

It is very hard to let go of the comfortable security blanket of self pity and attention seeking. Even once you recognize that all it does is push people away and make you miserable, it is still very hard to get out from under it.

I will continue to struggle to make myself a better person, for my own sake. People who are happy and comfortable with themselves attract others like flies. We recognize it in others, and want to feel that way ourselves, we just don't know how to do it sometimes.

Everyone wants to be happy, we even have a right to the pursuit of it written by our government, the only problem is, we weren't told how to achieve it. That, we each have to figure out for ourselves.

Sherry

Know how long it took me to figure out that when someone says "how are you" (in a social sense) that they really do not want to know? LOL

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by catlind on Sep 21^st, 2002, 1:44pm

Elaine,

I didn't find your post harsh or judgemental. I agree with you about the whole thing. I too have been hurt badly by using the term pity party when I was depressed and down and out and got told in no uncertain terms that I shouldn't post about it anymore, and that others felt the same way. That has been a hurt that has caused me to stop posting much on the board unless it's positive or a concrete link to information.

Have I felt sorry for myself? Yes. But I have always recognized that mine is not the worst situation in the world, and I've told others that. You are a prime example, I wouldn't trade my place for yours for anything. You are a truly strong, determined and optimistic positive influence to those of us here in Clusterville.

I'm sure this post will be seen as too personal and whining in nature. I don't give a shit. I have alot of happy things in my life, but whether I like it or not, I'm also depressed. Because I used the term self pity loosely in my own posts, I now feel I can't reach out for support when I'm down. Your post is wonderful, and points out alot of good things that I don't think people recognize. I'm guilty of throwing the term around too loosely and I've paid a heavy price in hurt for doing it.

If anyone on here has the impression that I think my life is worse or my situation is worse than anyone elses, then they are very mistaken. My life is pretty damn good overall. There are alot of things going on right now that have me feeling blue and sad. I do not, however, wish to find happiness in sympathy. I only wanted to find support.

My hubby refers to people who indulge in constant and continuous self pity as psychic vampires, they suck the mental and emotional life out of you.

I do not wish to engage in competitions of who has things worse, or try to say through my posts that my life is worse off than anyone elses. I do not believe that and didn't realize that people were thinking that's what I was doing.

I suffer from the "disease to please " and when I was confronted with the information that I was being too personal and too self pitying in others eyes, it was a devastating blow to me. I've probably already crossed the line in even sending this post, but at this stage of the game, I don't think it matters anymore. The writing is already on the wall so to speak, and the people who think that I'm nothing more than a self pitier are not going to change their thinking. And I don't choose to try to change it for them.

I am glad you posted what you did Elaine. It is a valid and balanced post addressing an important issue.

Cat

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by oringkid on Sep 21^st, 2002, 2:14pm

Cat, I don't think you whine. There is not one person here that hasn't felt sorry for themselves.

You and I are a lot alike I think. When you get flamed does your heart hammer? Do your hands shake? Do you suddenly feel so horribly awful and depressed and like a child that has just been reprimanded that you don't ever want to come back here again? Me too!

But...that just means that we are good, caring, loving people. A bit too sensitive at times (at least I am, check out my tag line to the left, was upset and changed it to that the other day) but good people nonetheless.

I have heard way more whining in other posts than what you have posted.

Hardly any of us whine all the time. The problem is that a lot of us go through hard times at the same time, so it just seems like there is constant whining.

Personally, I think we need to whine and complain to others at times. I just don't think it should be don't constantly as a way of life. Truly, I can't think of anyone on this board that fits that category. I know some people in my personal life that are like that though.

Smile my friend, I got your back, and if you really wanna whine and complain big time, ever, email me. I gotta good ear.

Sherry

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by jonny on Sep 21^st, 2002, 2:31pm

LOL, Kid

When Im flamed I laugh or feel like pulling testicales from the body the flame came from.

feeling like a child left me when I was 10.

Its only the internet right?

No one knows you or your problems.......but you!!, you share'em you could get burned

.................................jonny

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by NancyMcFree on Sep 21^st, 2002, 2:56pm

Ah, now someone just had to piss me off when I was having such a good day !!!!!!

Last time I came to the site I do believe I read this on the front page -

"Our site can be a tumultuous, fast-moving, contentious world at times, but first and foremost, it is the most caring, compassionate, supportive family of cluster headache sufferers (and their supporters) in the world."

Support would be the operative word here. Support. So, you guys that want to post about your troubles and whine ... I got your back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you that think this is "just the internet" perhaps you landed on the wrong site. This is a family.
Says so on the front page !!!!!!

Elaine, I did think your post brought up some good points on wallowing in self pity. Thanks for sharing it with us.

And to all of us PFDAN's.

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by jonny on Sep 21^st, 2002, 5:21pm

FART NOISE!!!!!!!

Thumb to nose and fingers wiggling!!

.........................................jonny

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by catlind on Sep 21^st, 2002, 5:33pm

ROFL...sorry Nancy, but jonny's post was just damn funny. I can just picture him with his tatoo's and long hair doing the fart noise LOLOLOL

Cat

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Ted on Sep 21^st, 2002, 5:45pm

You think you all have it bad? I just had to read this entire thread in one sitting. 9/11 orphans? AIDS-ravaged African nations? Bosnian 11-year-old who lost 3 brothers, both parents and his entire extended family? Homeless in the winter? Famine-stricken families throughout the world? mute parapalegic with clusters who can't ever let anyone know he's in pain and needs something to abort it? They have nothing on me. Or, just maybe, someone does have it worse. Nothing wrong with venting or even feeling sorry for oneself once in a while. But the problem is when it's not a once-in-a-while part of ones life.

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by catlind on Sep 21^st, 2002, 5:48pm

Agreed Ted. Should we define once in a while so there's a standard? I mean is once in a while, someone who never complains for 4 years then complains endlessly for a year? Or would it be once a month, or only when circumstances in one's life are beyond control? hehe, gotta complicate things, I wouldn't have any fun if I didn't

;)

Cat

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Ted on Sep 21^st, 2002, 5:55pm

Webster's definition of "Once in a while":

"1. That point just before often.
2. Pre-annoying-as-shit
3. Ted will tell you when once in a while is over"

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by catlind on Sep 21^st, 2002, 5:57pm

Blah...Websters....get out your Oxford man!!

Cat ;D

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Ted on Sep 21^st, 2002, 5:59pm

on 09/21/02 at 17:57:37, catlind wrote:

....get out your Oxford man!!

Cat ;D

I think I'll get out my Freud instead. LOL

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by pjbgravely on Sep 21^st, 2002, 6:12pm

The best thing I can do for myself is tell someone my story. We've(my wife and I) been looking for help for years and when ever we tell someone everything that has and is happening the just say "how do you keep going?". Knowing that no one has heard of a family surviving what we have and stayed togeather makes me feel like I have accomplished something when in the worlds view I have done nothing with my life. Any one who survives the pain of CH's for a week without giving up has done something great. Someone who has survived longer can't pity themselves becouse they have, are, and will do what alot of peaple can't. Peaple are on disabilty for pain that is a tenth of what we suffer. Peaple are stopped by HA's that we wouldn't feel. Peaple call in sick for colds. Any one who has CH's can call themselves survivers and overcomers.

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by catlind on Sep 21^st, 2002, 6:49pm

ewwwwwwwwww Freud....

Catlind goes running for the hills!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL

I'll get out my Ayn Rand to battle your Freud, so there! LOL

Cat

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by catlind on Sep 21^st, 2002, 6:53pm

PJ, I'm all those things...but I'm a whiner too :)

and a bitch ;)

Cat

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Ree on Sep 21^st, 2002, 7:41pm

I always think no matter what is happening in my life someone else is much worse off... worrying about myself this summer thinking I might have skin cancer (waiting on test results as I post) then my best friends mom finds out she has lung cancer... My life is looking pretty good compared to what happened last year this time. September 11th sort of trivialized life to me... I just want to feel that same sort of freedom again. With CH in our lives we will never feel free. Can't sit back and say "why me?". Anyway if you heard the real answer to that question... would it make you feel better????
Im with you guys... Self pity........... nah not for me. Love to you all... wishing you Pain Free Cozy Fall Nights... with all my heart Ree

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by StanTheMan on Sep 25^th, 2002, 4:04pm

All I can say is I'm encouraged by the amount of positive feedback to my original post!

Fight self pity! Don't give it an inch!

(Your loved ones may thank you!)

PFDAN

StanThe Man

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by Slammy on Sep 25^th, 2002, 4:05pm

on 09/21/02 at 18:53:25, catlind wrote:

PJ, I'm all those things...but I'm a whiner too :)

and a bitch ;)

Cat

Oh Please.... don't let us stop you there!

keep going! ;D

Slammy 8)

Title: Re: Watch out for self pity!
Post by catlind on Sep 25^th, 2002, 7:19pm

Slammy,

I'd add more but up not up for it at the moment.

Thanks for askin though :-*

Cat