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        New Message Board Archives >> 2002 Posts >> National Lampoon Headlines
        
(Message started by: Ted on Aug 26^th, 2002, 10:22pm)

Title: National Lampoon Headlines
Post by Ted on Aug 26^th, 2002, 10:22pm

Farmer's Almanac predicts "snowy winter;" past predictions have included "rainy spring," and "hot summer"

GFI recalls 717,000 pounds of ground beef; employees wary about upcoming Labor Day cook-out

Rare white-colored black bear declared off limits to hunters; sportsmen urged to hunt Michael Jackson instead

Ohio mom facing misdemeanor charges for allowing her 3 children to become severely sunburned; will discover pain of going without lotion while in prison

Anthrax suspect Hatfill files complaint against attorney-general's handling of his case; clerk assigned to handle paperwork reportedly "less than thrilled"

Bronze Age had sophisticated knowledge of drugs; "But the inability to master rudimentary pizza delivery technology doomed it to failure," states archaeologist

"Puppetry of the Penis" show opens in Los Angeles; "I've been performing that show in my bathroom everyday for the past 20 years," states unimpressed Angeleno

Utah Polygamist Tom Green could be sentenced jail for life; prospective cellmate looks forward to getting his 5th wife

Police catch Florida doctor planning to blow up mosques; "now if they could just catch the guys in mosques planning to blow up doctors, they'd be on to something," muses New Yorker

1 in 32 adults in the United States were incarcerated last year; "I had no idea there were that many CEOs in America," states sociologist

SUPER BONUS HEADLINE

Japanese scientists are attempting to clone a woolly mammoth as an attraction for a new Wildlife Park; so far only able to produce considerably less-impressive "woorry mammoth