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Topic: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!! (Read 706 times) |
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fireball
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AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« on: Mar 29th, 2006, 12:05am » |
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Hello-
I just wanted to and share with other supporters who will understand.
As the days and weeks and months go by, I am starting to feel like I am reaching my breaking point.
This is so hard. It has been 17 months now with no pf days for my husband, and it is beyond taking its toll.
I know that everything I am about to write will sound so selfish. I would like to say that I am sorry for that, but right now, I am not. I put myself last always. So, right now with my children asleep, my husband in the bedroom, I'm going to spend a few minutes being absorbed in self-pity.
Because of the pain from the CH and the depression that results, he hasn't been to work this week yet, and I am afraid he will lose his job. I can't keep it all together, and right now everything is on me. My mom does her best to help out, and I appreciate her so much, but here in this house, I feel like I am failing at everything. I can't keep my house clean, I am snapping at my kids, etc. etc. I feel like there isn't anything that I can do to even be a good supporter anymore. I remember the days of a hands-on-partner. He is so athletic, so active, who loves to wrestle and play and go on adventures with our little girls; he loves to go to his workshop and build things; he loves bike rides and exercise; he is a neat freak who loves to do laundry and dishes and clean the house from top to bottom on Saturdays. But because of these STUPID headaches, I haven't seen that person in a very long time, and I really, really miss him. Life is so hard without him. I can't even remember the last time that I saw him smile or heard him laugh.
He thinks that the girls and I would be better off without him. That just isn't true. We would just all be better off without CH.
Okay, I guess I'm done.
Thank you for "listening".
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Jackie
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Re: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« Reply #1 on: Mar 29th, 2006, 7:43am » |
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Good Morning, fireball......
My heart goes out to you and your family. I've been married to a chronic (maybe not chronic anymore....fingers crossed) for years. You've hung tough for a long time and I'm betting you won't let this beat you and your family. There is hope....there's always hope. My hubby went through years (like 10 or so) with constant clusters.....now he's gone pf for several months. There is another Cher, Jonny, who went 30 years chronic....he's been pf for months now and is even med free.
What meds. is your hubby on....is he using 02....do you feel that he doctor is treating him properly....what has he tried in the past? Maybe if we can get some history here, someone can offer some help. The people in this CH family are very well versed.....better than most of the medical community. Also, it sounds like there is depression going on for sure. This is not at all uncommon for the sufferer and supporter. Has this been addressed with the doctor.
It's a hard road, fireball....you, your hubby and family need a break for sure. Keep fighting, sweetie...don't give up or give in. If one thing doesn't work then try something else. If today is bad then hold on and hope for a better day tomorrow. There are new things happening all the time...new things to try. There is something out there that will help...just hang in there and find it. The good people here will help you.
Now...it sounds like you need a bit of time for yourself. Maybe one of Margi's famous bubble baths...anything to just relax for a bit.
Remember...we're all here for you and your family. It may not sound like much but remember....there is safety in numbers.
Big hugs to you......keep us posted, please.
Jackie
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fireball
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Re: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« Reply #2 on: Mar 29th, 2006, 9:02am » |
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Hi Jackie-
Thank you so much for responding, and for the encouragement.
I've actually discussed his history on some other threads, and one of the main problems is that everything (with the exception of invasive procedures) has been tried. All of the old and all of the new meds, the O2, the alternative things, and he is just non-responsive to everything. It is so hard to find hope in that realization.
He has been treated for the depression in the past, but is doing nothing about it now.
That is probably the biggest issue -- it is as though he is completely without hope and isn't doing anything right now to help himself. And, I am finding it hard to have hope now too, so I just don't have it in me to be the encourager that I should be.
We do have a good doctor. He has wanted to admit him to try the DHE-45 & decadron, but he won't go inpatient b/c he tried it before and although it stopped the pain, it all came back w/in hours of being discharged.
I've been trying to make life normal, but the fact is, it isn't normal. It's nobody's fault. This is the hand we were dealt. I have my ups and downs, and I'm sure I'll get out of this funk -- maybe when my 3 year-old wakes up and yells "mommy" and wants to play.
I know it is my faith in God that is pushing me through.
And, having encouragement from others that really know what this is like is also very helpful.
Thank you again.
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NotH20
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Re: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« Reply #3 on: Mar 29th, 2006, 2:06pm » |
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Fireball,
My heart just goes out to you and your family. I'm a sufferer of over 25 years - I know what I go through and how I feel...but I just can't put myself in the supporter's shoes to even imagine how it feels to just sit back and "watch"....how tough and painful that must be for you. I watched a video on one of the sites from ClusterChuck who actually had an attack video taped. I watched this the other day and still can't get it out of my mind. It's just an imagine that has stuck in my brain. As sufferer's, we go through so much other than the actual pain from the ch. We go through feelings of unworth (is that a word LOL), where we don't feel like active and productive members of our own family.
You sound like such a wonderful suporter - keeping it all together between the house, your hubby and your family. My only words of advice - keep it up. Right now it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders - but it will end and you will get your strength back that is being used up right now from the BEAST.
You mentioned DHE and that he would get hit within hours from leaving the hospital. When I did the 9-day stay in the hospital, they sent me home w/ the DHE vials and I was able to abort the attacks at home if needed with them. Just something to ponder.
Keep your chin up girl......both the supporters and suffererer's are here for you.
Mia
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Daddys_Devil
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Re: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« Reply #4 on: Apr 1st, 2006, 10:13am » |
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I know that it can be hard at times. You feel like evetything is out of control and its all your fault. It's NOT! Are you the one causing your husband all this pain? No. You said that you never see him smile and you miss the old him and I understand that. I live with 2 sufferers and deal with migranes myself. Its hard at times but it will be ok. My advice is this. When your husband is getting hit, watch. Try to imagin the pain he's in. Be thankfull that you aren't the one with this hell living in your head. I know it's difficult to watch but think of this: If he can deal with the pain, then you can be strong enough to watch. Be there to see his weakness and help him defeat it. Do what you can and no more. Hang in there. It'll get better. 
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sevim
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I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
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Re: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« Reply #5 on: Apr 27th, 2006, 3:02am » |
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I can understand how hart must be on you because my husband going through depression as well if he don’t have CH he has depression or other way around I just want to shake him and tell him he is the not only one suffers in this world but then I just think that he knows better then I am. My husband blames me for his CH he things with me he got into depression than he got the CH Sometimes I just want to shut the door behind me and walk away but I cant, I thing about his pain I think about cost of his medication and o2 which is cost me nearly $300 Australian dollar so I don’t put my self first I just accept the situation and keep going I know it is difficult but can we do anything else?We love them if we fail to support them who else its gone be there. take time and keep writing to this site its been good therapy for me. i am sure there will be good time and you will find that men once the beast left him alone.
Good luck
With what you get from others,
You make a living for yourself.
What you give to others,
Makes a life for yourself.
Hindu Maxim
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| « Last Edit: Apr 27th, 2006, 3:08am by sevim » |
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wildhaus_wife
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Re: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« Reply #6 on: Apr 27th, 2006, 9:48am » |
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Hi
i went through a period like you described a few month ago - allthough every individual suffers in a different way - your way sounds so much like mine did - i found help for myself in some of my hubbies medicines as odd as this might sound:
when he's in cycle our village doctor gives him an all natural plant extract in tablet form derived from St. John's wort / Hypericum name here in Switzerland: Lucilium 650
"Hyperici herbae extractum ethanolicum siccum"
After one of our nightly visits in her praxis she sort of took me by the side and told me: why dont you take one of those every day ( I didn't realize it was that obvious that i needed help myself)
in short: it worked for me.....i stopped snapping at my two little boys and felt my strength comming back - or maybe comming from somewhere deep down where it always has been - to be there for my hubbie who is going through hell at times thanks to CH....
hang in there - you seem like a very strong person and your love for your family will keep you going if nothing else.
Marta
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TAHwife
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I am married to a cluster head and am helpless!
 
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Re: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« Reply #7 on: Apr 27th, 2006, 7:12pm » |
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OMG..am i glad I found u tonight. My husband has suffered since 1992. He had some relief in the last three years because they found he had reverse blood flow in his left arm and that's where his blood pressure was always taken...a doc took his blood pressure in his right arm and it was OUT OF SIGHT. He started blood pressure meds about 3 yrs ago and slowly the CH's disappreared. bout 2 months ago, he started again...he went to doc's today and BP in right arm (they can barely get a reading in left arm any more) was 159/88...not good. Doc told him he could take another blood pressure pill a day and see if that helps. Would love to chat with someone who is going through what I am...That helpless, I can't do crap for you feeling.
Pls email me at eastofparadise758@yahoo.com...my i.m. is the same...I'd love to chat.
Karen Huey, Erie, Pa
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Karen
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Jackie
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Re: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« Reply #8 on: Apr 28th, 2006, 3:25pm » |
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Hi Karen and welcome.....sorry you have the need to be here but there is no better place for CH sufferers and their supporters.
My hubby, Blake, is a clusterhead. Yes, I have had the "helpless can't do crap" feeling you describe. But.....there are things you can do. First thing is read all the information here and on the OUCH website. Knowledge is power, Sweetie. When hubby is in cycle most of it is gonna fall on you. You're his greatest ally, advocate and support system.
There is always someone around here 24/7 so you're never alone. Ask questions if you need to. The people on this site have more knowledge that many doctors.
Good Luck to you and again....welcome.
Jackie 
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mrs mac
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Re: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« Reply #9 on: Apr 29th, 2006, 7:37pm » |
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hey fireball
i am so sorry that you and your hubby are having such a hard time just now.
i know what you mean by "wanting your hubby back", i sometimes feel that Andy has been taken over by an "alien being"
i hate it so much when he is being hit, but we just have to ride it with them and do what we can during an attack, and give them loads of hugs when it is over
hang in there, and as Jackie says, there is always some one here to talk to, most times of the day
hope things improve soon
sandra xxx
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fireball
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Re: AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!
« Reply #10 on: May 5th, 2006, 11:11am » |
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to Marta-
Thank you so much for the advice re: the St. John's Wort. It's funny because I am usually the first person to recommend an herb to other people, but I never even thought of it for myself. I took your advice, went to Wal-Mart and bought a bottle. I am noticing a difference. So, thank you thank you thank you. I think that as supporters, we put so much time and energy into taking care of our partners, children, etc., we forget to take care of ourselves!!!
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