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Topic: Support for Supporters (Read 356 times) |
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locolobo
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I really don't know it all ... yet!
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Support for Supporters
« on: Jan 30th, 2005, 2:36pm » |
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First off, I'll apologize in advance for what I know is going to be a long message:
I feel terribly mixed emotions, confusion and desperation ... that old “guts-in-a-blender” feeling. In reading through these boards, I read the words of supportful people. They give me hope.... For, I am a newbie. Though our cirumstances probably aren’t the same, our stories aren't that much different. I want to relate as many facts as is possible ... while respecting my best friend’s anonymity. I need advice from the Gods....
I'm a 48 year old man, disabled by cardiac problems arthritis, fibromyalgia and shoulder, neck and head pain (the result of an on-the-job accident 12 years ago) For four months I was in a beautiful relationship with a 38 year old woman. Thing is ... January has been Hell.
Her life isn’t an easy one. ‘T’ has been widowed eleven years. She works full time as an Education Assistant, and has her hands full with a 13 year old boy with autism, suicidal depression and PDD, an 11 year old boy with ADHD, and a 3 year old girl from a failed relationship with a man who, after just over three years, still can’t get it that it’s over.
The kids have been stumbling blocks in previous relationships. She worries I may do the same ... abandon them when I get my fill. Not likely! I love those kids! ... and they love me. ‘T’?... I love her for her ... unconditionally. After fifteen years of loneliness, I feel I've been parachuted into a place in life that was robbed from me by divorce ... and I've made sure to let her know that.
Of her past, she’s told me her mother was always sick ... and married (at least one of doubtful character) just for the sake of not being alone. She's had a hard life, being the middle child ... the oldest girl in a dysfunctional family ... the house-keeper, and the brunt of some rather lurid comments by one of her mother's "gentlemen". Much of it ... ‘T’ worried to me, one long talk ... she can’t remember. "...It’s like it’s blocked...." That, coupled with her brother's words: "...if you ever remember what happened to you when you were a kid, you'll go crazy...." has me wondering what DID happen? We never did go into detail. Frankly, It's not my place to know until she’s ready ... is it? Believe me ... I’ve lived the shame attached to that. How many gals would want a new boyfriend to know anyhow?
We met online in late August. We met for real in October. It was bliss. Words didn't have to be shared ... body language, her eyes ... and her actions ... said it all. Didn’t take long before we shared the starry-eyed emotional high that some call love.
By mid November, stress at work and home got to her. Her family doctor knows she has a history of headaches, dating back to childhood ... knows she has seen a specialist about her vertigo, has just gone for the CAT scan ... but has to wait for April to do the MRI ... and knows she has heart issues on top of all that. When she spoke of depression, Good Doctor pulled out his script pad. This is Ontario. If you are fortunate enough to have a family practitioner, he/she pretty much has free reign ... and little time for you. There is no shopping around in a doctor shortage. She was prescribed an anti-depressant, Wellbutrin SR.
Since Christmas, she's just seemed distant ... different. The spark is gone from her eyes. She pulls away ... avoids. There are no jokes ... very little of her easy laugh or cheery talk ... no forwards ... no e-mails ... no invitations for family things ... or Church! Once, we phoned back and forth (and, more often than not, it was ‘T’ who placed the call) ... two or three times a day sometimes. We talked for hours ... about everything. Once, she could find a place for me in a very busy schedule. Now, we hardly talk for more than a few minutes and we don’t see each other.
Like I said ... she does have a long history of headaches and migraines. To her, this is just another episode of pain, misery and exhaustion. For me, it feels like the end.... Many times over, this dearest of ladies has assured me it's the headache, and her feelings for me haven't changed. She just doesn't want a headache mood to wreck what still we have ... and she feels if I’m there, she has to be on. I trust her ... but that doesn't take the uncertainty away. After having the carpet yanked from under my feet so many times, sincerity in another human is a bit hard to understand.... (contued next post) ...
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| « Last Edit: Feb 7th, 2005, 1:07am by locolobo » |
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locolobo
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I really don't know it all ... yet!
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Re: Support for Supporters
« Reply #1 on: Jan 30th, 2005, 2:39pm » |
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(continued from above post)
...Since the end of a fourteen year marriage, I have survived seven bad relationships. Head gamers suck! Top that off with a very lengthy struggle to exist honestly on Welfare, while fighting to get my disability benefits back. They did little to mend a self esteem already shattered by being unable to climb back into the cab and go.
The end result of all that was in waking, well-rested, calm and relaxed (albeit cold and sweaty) from what I thought was the most awe-inspiring dream I ever had ... to my ever-present (but ever-so-loud!) Whistling ears ... and five worried cardiac care personnel (one of them gowned and greasing up the paddles!)
....'T' ... her kids ... a family! In four months, she taught me confidence. Never, have I felt such a comfort with anybody.... Not even with my ex-wife! (No bitterness ... there were reasons I loved her in the first place) ...
Suddenly ... a relationship that held so much promise and purpose, seemed to be on the verge of fizzling out. I realize I don't know it all. Maybe it's me....
She's suffered with a continuous headache, fatigue and anxiety (all side effects of the anti-depressant) since just before Christmas. I thought I knew pain. That of knocking the old noggin off a dump truck had to be worse than a mere headache. I just couldn't fathom one, without trauma, lasting for so long! It became a matter of morals. I did promise that I would never walk away ... but it seemed I was getting the push-off.
Her view that "we're way ahead of where we should be", and the drastic change in our relationship, had me awaiting the fall of that other shoe. It gave me the need to reflect. Is it the relationship, the drug ... or her own beast?
I'm feeling the strain. I'm not sleeping properly because I'm worried for her ... and of losing her ... and this damned tension headache is making my always-ringing ears scream! All I can know are my own past experiences ... and few of them have been good. I’ve made promises.... She offers hope.... Which way do I go? I'll keep my word. Is she true to hers? Trust and be rewarded ... or, trust and be made a fool again.... I've gone back to smoking ... and resorting to painkillers where meditation was working. Thing is ... I know the woman I met and fell in love with ... but I don't know this stranger who turns me away now. I can't, with clear conscience, abandon her and the kids. The end result is a world of "what ifs?...".
Her headache/personality change/fatigue/sleeplessness was proven to be a side-effect. A cold forced her to stop taking the Wellbutrin ... and the icy voice on the phone melted (into a raspy ... but loving one) Her headache was just a sinus one now ... but she has faith in that doctor. He looked after her mother too. Wonder if she's ever considered, her mother is dead?... She won't hear how I don't like the drug ... or its personality. It is her body. I have to respect that. 'T' has already told me she'll be back on the anti-depressant when the cold’s gone. "There's a reason I'm on them." ...What?
I found this site. Since then, I’ve read a lot of wisdom and experience, pain and understanding. Now, I understand her pain a little better ... but what about the pills? I know addiction! I live with my own demon ... painkillers-free ... because I fear meeting that demon again. I know childhood issues. Yes ... I've had to contend with that one too! If I can just get her to accept it ... my lady has my total support ... no matter how tough it gets, or what stress it causes me. I still have no idea whether her headaches are cluster or migraine ... but you know what? It doesn't matter. She needs my patience and understanding. It IS a horrible thing to watch a loved one go through that sort of Hell. It's even worse to be separated from that loved one for reasons you can't even comprehend.
Please ... if there is a God who supports the supporter ... show me to your site!
Thanks for being here....
Steve
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| « Last Edit: Jan 30th, 2005, 5:23pm by locolobo » |
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Margi
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Re: Support for Supporters
« Reply #2 on: Jan 30th, 2005, 6:13pm » |
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Steve. Here.
http://www.clusterheadaches.org/family/index.htm
This is our Family Services Team. We support the supporters. The email link is now disabled, but if you need anything, you can email me directly at moxie_miss@hotmail.com
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Leesa
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Re: Support for Supporters
« Reply #3 on: Feb 4th, 2005, 2:19pm » |
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Lobo its a tuff spot your in hun. My heart goes out to you. If you need us we are here!!! This is a GREAT group of people here that have endless hope, compassion, and understanding. Just yell and the calvery will come a runnin!! I have you & "T" & the kids in my thoughts and prays dear.
Leesa
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"The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it." General H. Norman Schwarzkopf 
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locolobo
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I really don't know it all ... yet!
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Re: Support for Supporters
« Reply #4 on: Feb 4th, 2005, 6:29pm » |
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Thanks for all the support, folks....
This last month has been hell ... but with a lot of helpful guidance, someone will find the root of ‘T.’s problem. It won’t be me. Headache was medicine head ... but handsful of Advil aren’t helping. The anti-depressants can’t be right for her ... but she has faith in that doctor.
I feel like a fool ... and I’m sorry I’ve wasted a lot of people’s time. I don’t know where it will go from here ... but ‘T.’ and I have come to a parting of the ways.
Her kids and I could use the benefit of prayers ... but please say an especially convincing one for T. I have many times. A total lack of communication on her part turned caring concern into a month-long-mind game. I wish her next guy luck.
She may call ... then again, she may not. If I let her back into my heart, what happens next time? She’s been rather cruel this time. How bad am I going to hurt six months or a year down the road when it happens again? I will forgive her ... but how can I ever trust her again? The game’s over. It’s time to move on....
Painfree days to all ... and thanks for caring....
Steve
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| « Last Edit: Feb 7th, 2005, 2:45am by locolobo » |
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