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Topic: New a supporter (Read 472 times) |
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Paigelle
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I am a married woman and my husband doesn't understand the the misery of a CH. He gets aggravated and almost angry with me when I have them. We have discussed this and he says he gets so upset because he doesn't know what to do. I need someone to talk to who understands and can help me when I am at my wits end. My mom is great with understanding, but she herself was a sufferer. She hasn't had one in 20 years now. Lucky, huh?
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ClusterChuck
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The BEAST rises again, and again, and again, and .
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Re: New a supporter
« Reply #1 on: Nov 14th, 2003, 8:03am » |
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At the top of your screen, to the right of the words "Message Board" you will see a note that says "Hey, Paigella, you have _ messages ..." That is where we can send you a private message. I sent you one with my phone number and email addy. Check it out if you need to talk.
Welcome to our villiage, Clusterville.
Chuck
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cathy
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Re: New a supporter
« Reply #2 on: Nov 14th, 2003, 1:55pm » |
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Paigelle....Welcome to the board, im sorry to hear that your hubby is not handling your CH too well, as a supporter myself I would say get him to look at the site here....maybe he will begin to understand a bit better.
Hope things get better for you...PF vibes from across the pond.
Cathy 
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My own tears would mean nothing to me, if I could stop you from just shedding one....
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Paigelle
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Thank you for the advice. I have had him look at the information here, but he just says "that's nice, but I can't make them stop." You know, sometimes men think the complete answer is to make things stop. We know we have help out there for these devils, but it is all trial and error. It is just wonderful to know there are people out there who understand and are willing to be supportive either because they are going through it themselves or they are caring for someone else who is. Thank you again.
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Margi
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Re: New a supporter
« Reply #4 on: Nov 14th, 2003, 2:31pm » |
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*sigh* Hi Paigelle
SO sorry to hear about your husband. But, you know....I think I understand what he's going through. It IS very frustrating watching someone you love go through this pain. We DO want to make your pain stop and we want you ALL to never feel cluster pain again.  Our hearts break for each and every one of you when we hear of you going through this, night after night, day after day.
I think EVERY supporter considers giving up because they feel they can't help - at one point or another in their supporting career. But, I have to ask....and please don't take this the wrong way, ok? But have you ever told him that you know he can't stop it? That ALL you need is for him to accept you for who you are? A cluster head? That sometimes all you need from him is a silent, tight hug? No words need to be spoken.
I think it must be harder for the male supporters - yes, this is chauvinistic I know - but men think they should be protectors, fixers. He can't protect you from this, Paigelle. He can't fix it. Maybe he need to hear you say that you don't expect him to?
Please tell him that our Family Services Team has counselled hundreds of supporters who are having a tough go of things. We'd be more than happy to talk to him. He can vent all he wants and say terrible things if he needs to. We won't tell.
I guess the point I'm trying to get to you here is that anger is a VERY real emotion for a cluster supporter. Something that we've all had to come to grips with. Your husband's probably at that stage. We can help him get through it.
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Miss_Deleny
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Re: New a supporter
« Reply #5 on: Nov 14th, 2003, 10:47pm » |
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I am so sorry that you are suffering Paigelle. And know exactly how your husband feels. 
We, as supporters, don't know nor will we ever know the pain that "you", as a CH'er, have to endure but the pain that we see when "you" are having an attack just breaks our hearts.
It is hard for us to understand that there is not a darn thing that we can do for "you" when you are being hit other than sit and watch "you" in pain. We feel helpless in protecting, soothing, and eliminating the cause of the pain so we can help "you".
Coming here, reading and talking to others helps alot! There ARE others here that not only KNOW the pain you are going through but KNOW what its like to have to sit there and watch a loved one in pain. So, this is a great place not only for you, as the sufferer, but for your husband, as your supporter.
You should talk to your husband about not only the pain that you are feeling but what he might be able to do for you when you are being hit. If you are one of those that likes to be left alone, let him know that you are not trying to be mean or anything, but that you need to deal with this alone. Then after your attack ends, let him pamper you 
If you are one of the ones that wants him there with you, let him know if there is ANYTHING that he can do for you while you are being hit, let him know beforehand, this way he will not feel quite as helpless.
I know its hard, but talking between the two of you will help out alot. It did with myself and my fiance'. After we talked about how he felt during an attack and what I could do to help him, I felt better about it. I still DO NOT like seeing him in pain but I understand it more and he understands how I feel.
Wishing you PF times!
~April~
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Prense
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Re: New a supporter
« Reply #6 on: Nov 15th, 2003, 11:37am » |
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Drag him here...kickin and screamin' if necessary! We'll take care of him. 
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Giovanni
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Re: New a supporter
« Reply #7 on: Nov 16th, 2003, 7:38am » |
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I've noticed that there many different reactions of care givers/supporters to family members. My step father had gotten angry, terrible moods when my mother had gone through bad times recently with broken hip and complications. My wife is a wonderful supporter to me when the CH kicks in during my cycles and can not do enough. She wonders/questions my coming to this board and reading and posting thinking that constant exposure to clusterheadaches is not good. She can not figure out why I need to talk to other people like me or want to meet them. Anyway, your husband probably feels helpless in providing relief to you and this converts into his anger.
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Paigelle
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You guys are great! It always comforting to know that there are people who understand!
You know, the best support I have ever had was from my dog, Lucy. Lucy lives with my mom. But when I was home and would have a CH, Lucy would come into my room and let me pet her. It was like she knew that I need something calming. She would never lick me and wiggle, just sit there. She would not leave my side until the episode was over.
My husband has this understanding that when I have one of these in the middle of the night that I will get out of bed immediately. He didn't understand that, unlike a migraine, you can't be still. He asked numerous times why I wouldn't lust lie still and relax. I finally had one early one evening and actually let me watch what would happen. I sat on the couch and wiggled as it eased upon me. When I hit the peak and my eye starting watering and drooping he thought I was having a stroke. After that, he knows that if I venture to the bedroom and shut the door when I am in a cycle that he should leave me alone. He gets so frustrated! He has yet to understand that I can't take Excedrin and get over it. My mom has had a chat with him about it though and stated she would have another. I have been having these since I was about 10. She also had them, so she understands.
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tinyhuey
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Re: New a supporter
« Reply #9 on: Nov 17th, 2003, 1:09pm » |
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Paigelle, Hey Lady I know what you mean when your hubby asks you " What can I do ". My hubby is the same way. He has seen thousands of headaches with me and he is still dumb founded. He trys so hard to make the pain go away even offers for him to take it,( and believe me if I could I give him my pain) But then I don't wish these things on any body,( well maybe ) They can be so sweet and understanding till they see all the pain we have. Just wanted to let you know, your not alone and neither is hubby. Feel free to e-mail me or just talk. tinyhuey
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Paigelle
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It is not going to be a good night! No pain last night, slept like a rock. But I can already tell tonight one will seep into my sleep and I will awaken with knots in my stomach and angry as hell about it. I am already making a pot of coffee to have around 2-3am. I will let it sit until it is so strong that will make hair grow on my chest.  I hate this, I sit here dreading the night to come, like some little child scared of what is in the closet. I hate to complain and whine, but damn what else can we do sometimes.
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HannahFroukje
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Re: New a supporter
« Reply #11 on: Nov 19th, 2003, 2:50pm » |
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on Nov 14th, 2003, 7:30am, Paigelle wrote:| We have discussed this and he says he gets so upset because he doesn't know what to do. I need someone to talk to who understands and can help me when I am at my wits end. My mom is great with understanding, but she herself was a sufferer. She hasn't had one in 20 years now. Lucky, huh? |
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Perhaps this is a dumb idea but would it help if your husband had a chat with a man of his own age (or about) who can tell him about the headaches and how they feel, and that you're NOT exagerating???
If that would help, my husband could have a talk with him and explain it in words your husband can relate to?
Just a stupid idea, but I would like to help. It must be SO hard not to have someone around who's able to support you the way you need it. The last thing you need is people getting frustrated over you because they don't know how to handle the problem.
Don't think I don't understand that your husband gets frustrated, it's so hard to deal with it, ... but believe me, you can learn! I did ! So your husband could learn too!
You can email me anytime on knowitnotall@hotmail.com
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