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Topic: YEE HAW...Texas Chili (Read 363 times) |
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jonny
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CHILI COOKOFF
Texas Chili: If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter
running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.
It
takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes
are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
Texas
from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. That's all I needed to know. So I accepted".
Here
are the scorecards from the event:
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Chili # 1
Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
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Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
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Chili # 2
Arthur's Afterburner Chili
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Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
the look on my face.
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Chili # 3
Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
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Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the
beer.
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jonny
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Re: YEE HAW...Texas Chili
« Reply #1 on: Jan 16th, 2004, 12:30pm » |
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Chili # 4
Bubba's Black Magic
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Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 400-lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
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Chili #5
Linda's Legal Lip Remover
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Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
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Chili # 6
Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
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Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
very *friendly* person Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
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Chili # 7
Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
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Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me.
I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch
hole in my stomach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8
Toe-Nail Curling Chili
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Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili.
Judge #3 Remind you of anyone.....LMMFAO 
.....................jonny
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| « Last Edit: Jan 16th, 2004, 12:31pm by jonny » |
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BobG
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Re: YEE HAW...Texas Chili
« Reply #2 on: Jan 16th, 2004, 1:27pm » |
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LMAO..........judge 3 is a sissy.
Did you know the Texas Chilli cook-offs were invented in Vegas?
See ya'll later. I'm off work now and have a 4 day weekend.
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Stay stressed. Never relax. Never sleep. Ever.
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thomas
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Re: YEE HAW...Texas Chili
« Reply #3 on: Jan 22nd, 2004, 3:34pm » |
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What a wimp......... 
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Tiannia
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Life does not apologies......
 
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Re: YEE HAW...Texas Chili
« Reply #4 on: Jan 22nd, 2004, 3:46pm » |
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Actually the world series chili cook off is in Reno. now that is good chili...
Tiannia
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Patrick_A
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If i could get my hands on that wascally Wabbit
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Re: YEE HAW...Texas Chili
« Reply #5 on: Jan 22nd, 2004, 3:52pm » |
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on Jan 16th, 2004, 12:30pm, jonny wrote:
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
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LMMFAO!!! Good one Jonny!!
I am whipping up a pot of chili as we speak!
Patrick
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Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID, that he just whipped out a One Dollar Bill?
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