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Topic: The Complete Military History of France (Read 293 times) |
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das
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The Complete Military History of France
« on: Feb 25th, 2003, 12:58pm » |
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THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE
-- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
-- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
-- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
-- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
-- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
-- The Dutch War - Tied.
-- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
-- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
-- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
-- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
-- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
-- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
-- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
-- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
-- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
-- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
-- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Quote of the day:
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion"
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Brian_Y
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Re: The Complete Military History of France
« Reply #1 on: Feb 25th, 2003, 1:07pm » |
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Repetez, s'il vous plait.....
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Charlie
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Re: The Complete Military History of France
« Reply #2 on: Feb 25th, 2003, 6:48pm » |
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This thing has had a rebirth with this new "war."
While it's still funny, This is untrue:
Quote:| -- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. |
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History is beautiful thing...too much makeup though 
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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WendyHowe
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Re: The Complete Military History of France
« Reply #3 on: Feb 27th, 2003, 8:25pm » |
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Das.
This did make me laugh! Brilliant!
Don't understand why all the French CH sufferers registered on the site don't fight back though! (I think that may be a cue for a bad joke about French bravery)
Charlie- agree with you. Rewriting history seems to be a common CH sufferers hobby
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tanner
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Re: The Complete Military History of France
« Reply #4 on: Feb 27th, 2003, 10:29pm » |
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das,
loved it, but since i still occasionally go to french restaurants and hate it when they spit in my food i will just leave it at that.
viva la frog legs!!!!!!!!!
tim
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I AM THE MASTER OF MY MIND, MY BODY, AND MY EMOTIONS...
it's just my head that sucks...http://www.centerforlit.com/
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Kirk
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VINIMUS, VIDIMUS, DOLAVIMUS
 
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Re: The Complete Military History of France
« Reply #5 on: Feb 28th, 2003, 2:26am » |
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Here and I always thought they were just slow because they tracked thier dinner by slime trails., and taught thier pigs to hunt..
Oh well what do I know. ;D
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