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Topic: Some Irish Humor (Read 1637 times) |
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JeffB
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Some Irish Humor
« on: Feb 27th, 2008, 1:27pm » |
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Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
I nto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*************************************** ***************************************************** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
" For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************************************ ***********************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************************************ ************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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LeLimey
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Re: Some Irish Humor
« Reply #1 on: Feb 27th, 2008, 2:48pm » |
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on Feb 27th, 2008, 1:27pm, JeffB wrote:Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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You know - for the life of me I STILL can't understand why Paul says he won't let me have a gun - the inhumanity of it all - I'm only HALF Irish 
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Guiseppi
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Re: Some Irish Humor
« Reply #2 on: Feb 27th, 2008, 2:53pm » |
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Be afraid paul...be very very afraid...... 
Guiseppi
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LeLimey
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Re: Some Irish Humor
« Reply #3 on: Feb 27th, 2008, 3:02pm » |
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It's alright Juicy Pee - I'm quite safe! I know NEVER to pointguns at FACES 
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Paul98
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on Feb 27th, 2008, 2:48pm, LeLimey wrote:
You know - for the life of me I STILL can't understand why Paul says he won't let me have a gun - the inhumanity of it all - I'm only HALF Irish
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Go to your room Helen, no, the other "your" room....the one with the bars on the door and windows. 
-P.
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LeLimey
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Re: Some Irish Humor
« Reply #5 on: Feb 27th, 2008, 3:56pm » |
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on Feb 27th, 2008, 3:50pm, Paul98 wrote:
Go to your room Helen, no, the other "your" room....the one with the bars on the door and windows.
-P.
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Oh - you mean YOUR room! 
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Paul98
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on Feb 27th, 2008, 3:56pm, LeLimey wrote:
Oh - you mean YOUR room! |
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Well, if it keeps you out, then I guess it could become my room
-P.
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LeLimey
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Re: Some Irish Humor
« Reply #7 on: Feb 27th, 2008, 4:13pm » |
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Oh I see how it is!
Suits me big boy, I'll stay here in the land of bugger-all snow then shall I?!
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Paul98
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on Feb 27th, 2008, 4:13pm, LeLimey wrote:Oh I see how it is!
Suits me big boy, I'll stay here in the land of bugger-all snow then shall I?! |
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Antarticia?
-P.
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Linda_Howell
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Re: Some Irish Humor
« Reply #9 on: Feb 27th, 2008, 10:12pm » |
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How about this you two:
Y'all come to California for a while. I'll straighten your a$$es out right quick. You can each have a private room until you agree to play nice. At that point I'll take you to all parts of California that are beautiful and without snow. But only if you promise to behave.
I'll show you the Giant Redwood forest, the Pacific Ocean, and San Fransisco bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. After that Jeff, who seems to always show up, duck his very small head inside, post once and then leave, will show you around Alcatrez.
Sound like a plan?
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sandie99
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Re: Some Irish Humor
« Reply #10 on: Feb 28th, 2008, 9:26am » |
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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Paul98
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on Feb 27th, 2008, 10:12pm, Linda_Howell wrote:
How about this you two:
Y'all come to California for a while. I'll straighten your a$$es out right quick. You can each have a private room until you agree to play nice. At that point I'll take you to all parts of California that are beautiful and without snow. But only if you promise to behave.
I'll show you the Giant Redwood forest, the Pacific Ocean, and San Fransisco bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. After that Jeff, who seems to always show up, duck his very small head inside, post once and then leave, will show you around Alcatrez.
Sound like a plan? |
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OK!
Hey, wait a minute. That place has bars for doors and windows.....I smell a trap!
-P.
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LeLimey
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Re: Some Irish Humor
« Reply #12 on: Feb 28th, 2008, 1:59pm » |
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on Feb 28th, 2008, 10:05am, Paul98 wrote:
.....I smell a trap!
-P.
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Nope - its your feet stinkyboy!
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| « Last Edit: Feb 28th, 2008, 1:59pm by LeLimey » |
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Paul98
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on Feb 28th, 2008, 1:59pm, LeLimey wrote:
Nope - its your feet stinkyboy! |
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Au contraire, it is your fetted breath 
-P.
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JeffB
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Re: Some Irish Humor
« Reply #14 on: Feb 29th, 2008, 12:54pm » |
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on Feb 27th, 2008, 10:12pm, Linda_Howell wrote:
How about this you two:
Y'all come to California for a while. I'll straighten your a$$es out right quick. You can each have a private room until you agree to play nice. At that point I'll take you to all parts of California that are beautiful and without snow. But only if you promise to behave.
I'll show you the Giant Redwood forest, the Pacific Ocean, and San Fransisco bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. After that Jeff, who seems to always show up, duck his very small head inside, post once and then leave, will show you around Alcatrez.
Sound like a plan? |
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Small head!!!!!!
You know what they say.....small hands, small gloves.
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" It's been my experience that people who have no vices have very little virtues."
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Linda_Howell
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Re: Some Irish Humor
« Reply #15 on: Feb 29th, 2008, 1:59pm » |
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and what I say... is that you better bloody well stick around here longer than a few mins. before you're off and running again. 
Please Jeff. We all miss you.
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Kindness, is gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us.
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