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Topic: memo from santa (Read 276 times) |
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burnt-toast
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memo from santa
« on: Dec 16th, 2006, 9:28am » |
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Subject: MEMO from Santa
Due to overwhelming population growth, I regret to inform you that, effective December 25, 2006 I will no longer personally service states south of the Mason Dixon Line.
Preparations are complete to have presents for these children delivered by Cletus Claus, my cousin who resides at the South Pole. Cletus and his elves have completed extensive training over the last year and are fully prepared to complete all assigned deliveries.
There are a few differences that may be experienced. These include…
Instead of milk and cookies, Cletus Claus prefers children leave an RC Cola, fried pork rinds or a moon pie by the fireplace.
Cletus Claus does not smoke a pipe. He prefers chew so be sure to have an empty spit can in direct sight of the fireplace. Failure to comply so may require a small but none the less unpleasant clean up chore Christmas morning.
Cletus’ sleigh will arrive pulled by 8 flyin' coon dogs. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple reindeer during training and Blitzen's head now adorns the wall over Cletus’ fireplace.
You will not hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen, etc". When Cletus Claus arrives. Expect "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty, etc instead."
The traditional "Ho, Ho, Ho" will be replaced by "Yee Haw" and “Merry Christmas to all” by “Y’all have a Merry Christmas”, the latter of which I find very warm and inviting and possibly an improvement over my standard exit message.
Cletus' sleigh is equipped with Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off" boldly displayed. Following too close may result in sudden breaking and/or the use of language the children should not be exposed to.
Cletus’ suit will be Woolrich flannel with blaze orange trimmings. Please do not mistake him for a pesky neighbor going through the hunting stuff left under your tree.
Finally, during training Cletus often forgot to wear his belt. As a precautionary measure, please make sure the wife and kids do not peek when Cletus bends over to put presents under the tree.
As an added note, there is significantly less danger of the Grinch stealing presents from Cletus Claus. His sled is fitted with a gun rack and bumper sticker that reads “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.” These features should deter the Grinch and his acquaintances and may have potential to improve service levels.
Rest assured, Children in southern states will not experience any disappointments Christmas morning. If you have any additional questions, issues or concerns regarding this change in our distribution services, please feel free to drop me a letter or email “s&cclaus@north&southpoles.com” we will respond prior to Christmas Eve.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
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| « Last Edit: Dec 16th, 2006, 9:39am by burnt-toast » |
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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