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Topic: Recent letter to employees (Read 240 times) |
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burnt-toast
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Recent letter to employees
« on: Sep 27th, 2006, 10:47am » |
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Dear Employee:
Due to budgetary pressure for increased executive bonus plans we are taking exciting new steps to improve cost structure.
The first of these is offering Senior Associate Personnel (SAPs) wonderful opportunity for early retirement that permits retention of personnel who represent our future and better facilitate current financial objectives. A new program to Sever Late-Aged Personnel (SLAP) is effective immediately.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of employment records before early retirement commences. HR will provide SAPs opportunity outside of the company through the process of Surveying Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).
After being SLAPPED and SCREWED, outgoing employees may file appeals with executive management. Executive management is fully trained in this Study by Higher Authority Facilitating Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of SLAP, personnel will be SLAPPED once, SCREWED only twice but SHAFTED as many times as outgoing employees deem appropriate.
Employees adhearing to the above procedures, will be entitled to Half Earning for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance (HERPES) for a period of 6 weeks or a Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment (CLAP) equivalent to 4 weeks salary.
HERPES and CLAP are considered superfluous employment benefits. Standard deductions for employee funded benefit plans will be withheld as well as significant required taxes. Outgoing employees who receive HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SCREWED or SHAFTED by the company.
The company is offering Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) to all remaining employees by providing significant opportunity to assume duties carried out by former SAPs.
The company takes this opportunity to thank all outgoing SAPs for years of valuable service. We know you will all enjoy the comforts that early retirement offers. We also want to assure our new SAPs that executive management is fully prepared to give them all the SHIT they can handle.
We know that our SAPs are truly excited by this opportunity to help us achieve our financial goals.
Warmest regards,
The management team.
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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