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Kitty1973
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Intimacy Question
« on: Mar 27th, 2008, 1:25pm » |
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I have a question for anyone who can answer.
I have been married for 16yrs. I began having cluster headaches in November of 2007. The demon hasn't let up on me yet. I think I had 1 or 2 days without an attack since November.
I also haven't been intimate with my husband in months. I just don't feel like it. I am either in the clutches of the demon, or worn out from the last attack.
He is not at all happy about this. He knows I have been suffering, but he still keeps asking for it.
What should I do? I really don't want to right now, I feel so tired when I am not in pain. I have 5 to 8 attacks per day. How do I get him to understand this, without hurting his feelings or making him think that I don't love him, and how can I make him understand without him getting angry like he usually does when I tell him I don't want too because I either have the demon in my head, or I am just exhausted?
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KaiB
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #1 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 2:42pm » |
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Nope, it ain't you. I'm a guy, but I can't help but imagine you want nothing to do with sex. I damn sure don't blame you.
Tell your hubby I said to forget about it! I'm not P.C. enough to suggest support groups for spouses, and feelings and all the rest of that.
The guy needs to back off and stop being so selfish. Others will chime in with nicer words...but if he was my friend, I'd have tough words for him.
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kevmd
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #2 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 2:47pm » |
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I will try to contain myself here but what is his problem?????? Seriously....you are suffering immensely and he needs to chill out. Tell him to take care of himself!!!!!!!!!!!
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DragonSlayer
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #3 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 3:13pm » |
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Kitty1973, So sorry the beast is beating you up like this! 
5-8 hits a day for months will get anybody down!
I would get in touch with your Doc. there are prevent meds that should work better that what you are experiencing.
What are you taking now???
Abort meds 02?, Imitrex?
I see my gf about 2 or 3 days a week and we seem to be able to "get together" at least one of those days (I'm the one suffering CH). I have a high sex drive and after a couple MONTHS I would get a bit testie and upset also (but that's just me). It depends how bad the hits are and some days I just don't feel like it either, but I've never gone months without a pf window that allowed me to respond to gf's intimate advances.
You need to take care of yourself. I won't give relationship advice but open communication with hubby is usually recommended (maybe a supporter can give better advise). When you get things sorted out you can get back to your loving self. Like I said talk with your Doc. about what can be done for better/longer pf time.
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Brew
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #4 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 3:40pm » |
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I would ask what meds you are taking. Many meds list a loss of libido as a side effect. For me it was verapamil, but I'm a guy. It's a real bone killer, if you get my drift. Also, vasoconstrictors don't discriminate in which blood vessels get constricted, and that will lead to an overall feeling of "don't touch me because I can't feel anything."
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Kitty1973
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #5 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 4:18pm » |
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Thank you all.
I just read to him what you said. He said "well, then I guess our marriage is over". he also told me that I am being "selfish"
I kinda expected that response from him.
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kevmd
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #6 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 4:25pm » |
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Very sorry. And I do not mean to be out of line but it struck a cord with me I guess. Marriage is not all about sex. My wife and I haven't gotten together in a couple months because I am too friggin tired, on medication that gives me very little drive. I've had to turn my wife down several times. IT just isn't going to happen til I am better. plus she is more than 8 months pregnant and tired herslef all the time. But I will try to make up for lost time in the future. Good luck with everything. Hope you get better soon
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Brew
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #7 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 4:44pm » |
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on Mar 27th, 2008, 4:18pm, Kitty1973 wrote:| I just read to him what you said. He said "well, then I guess our marriage is over". he also told me that I am being "selfish" |
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My goodness. This leaves me totally speechless. The only thing I can recommend is a marriage counsellor.
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Racer1_NC
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #8 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 4:52pm » |
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on Mar 27th, 2008, 4:44pm, brewcrew wrote:| This leaves me totally speechless. |
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You aren't the only one.
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LeLimey
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #9 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 5:40pm » |
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speechless and heartbroken for you here Kitty.
I just don't know what to say to that (well I know what I WANT to say but it would NOT be helpful)
Has he been like this before at any time? Could it be his way of coping (and I mean not coping) with seeing you in pain? Does he understand about what you're going through or does he think it's "just a headache"?
Hopefully we can help him understand it's not you not caring and it's not about you not wanting him, it's about pain and misery and depression caused by it, the fear.. everything.
I hope we can help sort things out but know this, we'll be here to support you no matter what okay?
Helen
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Guiseppi
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #10 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 5:40pm » |
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Try to get him to register on the board and hang out for a bit in the supporters section. We like to completely avoid a topic we don't understand, it might help him to talk with other supporters. It's possible he thinks you're exxagerating a headache. Perhaps hearing from other supporters, about how bad these headaches are, will help him understand. Hoping some peace comes your way soon. 
Guiseppi
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Redd
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #11 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 5:48pm » |
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I'll third that.
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Kitty1973
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #12 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 6:14pm » |
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I got him to talk to me a little about it after my last post, and before he went to work. He seems to think that it can't be "all that bad". I explained to him how it felt the best I could. I think that helped some. He was under the impression that CH's weren't much worse than a mild migrane. This is even after he saw me screaming in pain for almost 5 hours last week. I think some of what I said and what you all said got through, because he told me he was sorry. He did get upset with me for posting the question, but like I told him I needed help to deal with the problem, and he wasn't helping. He said I made him sound like an ass. I told him that that was exactly what he was being, and after a while I think he realized it himself. He has agreed to "take care of himself" and try to be more understanding.
Thank you all for your advice.
A dose of the truth isn't always pretty, and it isn't easy to take either
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mudplugga
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #13 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 6:25pm » |
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A dose of the truth isn't always pretty, and it isn't easy to take either
Ain't that the truth!
I hope he begins to figure out that you have been truthful to him, and he needs to respect that.
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Lebowski
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #15 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 7:45pm » |
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on Mar 27th, 2008, 6:14pm, Kitty1973 wrote:| He seems to think that it can't be "all that bad". [/i] |
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I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard this or tried to explain to somebody what a CH was like. I have about given up on the explanations. The collegue letter is fantastic to give to somebody to read. Hopefully he will get a real good understanding of what you are going through.
Sending some PF vibes your way!!!
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Linda_Howell
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #16 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 9:50pm » |
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If you aren't mad then can I be mad for you?
I know that won't help one little bit..but I think if you could drag him to this site, see what the men here have posted and let him read a bit around here,in regards to what this kind of pain really is.. he might be more inclined to understand.
If it was me though, what he said would be a real "deal-breaker" I pray he never gets sick and needs YOU to understand. 
At the very least let him read this, by a very respected Dr. who also has CH:
http://www.nbneuro.com/cluster.shtml
Linda
edited to add link.
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| « Last Edit: Mar 27th, 2008, 9:54pm by Linda_Howell » |
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CostaRicaKris
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #17 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 10:05pm » |
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My god, I'm exhusted right now and I've only been in cycle a couple of weeks. Of course you're not in the mood. I'm so sorry, he obviously doesn't have a clue what you're going through. As a married lady myself, I really hope you two can work it out.
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MJ
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #18 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 10:36pm » |
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Kitty its not you but it may be something in you.
Serotonin plays a massive part in clusterheadaches and also in sexual desire and sexuality.
I may be out of line but 5 months without desire is a long time with or without pain and like Brew said earlier its certainly worth looking at your meds or adding melatonin or something. Talk to your doctor.
Read these links to get an idea of where I'm coming from:
http://www.biopsychiatry.com/ssrisex.html
This sites selling stuff but interesting factoids.
http://www.raysahelian.com/serotonin.html
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MJ
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MJ
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #19 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 10:46pm » |
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By the way I do understand where your coming from. As do most here.
Pain is a big deterrent by itself.
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MJ
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E-Double
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #20 on: Mar 27th, 2008, 10:55pm » |
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on Mar 27th, 2008, 4:18pm, Kitty1973 wrote:Thank you all.
I just read to him what you said. He said "well, then I guess our marriage is over". he also told me that I am being "selfish"
I kinda expected that response from him. |
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That is a damn shame
To be honest for other reasons we have had intimacy issues in our marriage and I would NEVER...........
I am so sorry
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Kitty1973
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #21 on: Mar 28th, 2008, 1:53am » |
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I don't think I answered the question about my meds. Well the Dr. prescribed Epidrin (generic for Midrin) which is commonly used for migraine and tension headaches. It helps sometimes, but not always.
I had to fight my Dr. to get on O2. I finally got my O2 today!!
My husband and I have not gone 5 months without sex. I think the last time was in early February. I remember because it was his birthday. I doped myself up with pain meds to be able to spend a couple hours with him.
I am angry with him over his attitude. I make no effort to hide that. I think he was more embarrased that I posted this topic than anything. He is one of those people who do no wrong, and the things said here, although not nice, were things I think he needed to here from someone other than me. So many of you said pretty much the same thing that he appoligized to me tonight after work. He told me he would try to quit acting like a baby about it and try to be there for me more.
I hope he really meant that, but only time will tell. I think that it also helped that he had to go to work about 20 minutes after I had read to him what was said here, and also told him how I felt. He had no-one to argue with at work, and had time to think about it and let (at least some of it) it soak into his brain.
Kitty
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BMoneeTheMoneeMan
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #22 on: Mar 28th, 2008, 2:52am » |
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Well, I differ from the opinion of the others here. At first, I was going to say to try to overcome the fatigue once in a while and give him what he wants. Obviously you cant while in the middle of an attack, but there are times when all you are is worn out, tired, and feel like you are going to wind up in a loony bin - its those times that you might want to try for some intimacy.
However, after he said that to you, I reccommend you pull your pants down and have him take a look at your ass. I would then tell him to kiss it, because it's going to be a long god damn time til he sees it again.
Course, that's just me.
Brian
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MJ
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #23 on: Mar 28th, 2008, 3:01am » |
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on Mar 28th, 2008, 1:53am, Kitty1973 wrote:I don't think I answered the question about my meds. Well the Dr. prescribed Epidrin (generic for Midrin) which is commonly used for migraine and tension headaches. It helps sometimes, but not always.
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Hi again Kitty.
Acetominophin (tylenol et al) this drugs primary ingredient is not a reccomended treatment for cluster headache. epidrin, midrin, tylenol etc.. may indeed work for tension type headaches, a complete different beast. And like you say may occasionally take the edge off a mild cluster hit.
Unfortunately for many CH people it can make things worse, prolong a cycle, cause rebounds, among other things.
Isometheptene May help a bit in constricting blood flows but I dont know much about it and this is probably why doc proscribed it
Dichloralphenazone the other ingredient causes relaxation another no no in cluster therapies, this can potentially increase levels of pain and frequency for many clusterheads.
There are far better drugs for CH and someone will post a link I hope that you can provide to your doc.
http://www.drugs.com/mtm/acetaminophen-dichloralphenazone-and-isomethept ene.html
edit to add: I'm posting in the wrong thread you didnt ask about meds, I should study up on emotion instead
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| « Last Edit: Mar 28th, 2008, 3:08am by MJ » |
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Kitty1973
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Re: Intimacy Question
« Reply #24 on: Mar 28th, 2008, 3:37am » |
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The info you just told me was in the back of my mind. I am going to print it out along with anything else to the same affect that I can find and take it to my Dr.
I was wondering why I was having sooo many hits, and why they were lasting so long. I wondered if I was on the right meds, because I saw no one else here saying anything about the epidrin.
I am so happy that you posted this. I think it will help tremedously with getting me on something that will help.
Thanks MJ
Kitty
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