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Topic: Black hole.....and falling (Read 220 times) |
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Samiam
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Black hole.....and falling
« on: Mar 8th, 2007, 7:24am » |
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I can't believe that I'm living like this. Sat will be two weeks and my cycle in the past has lasted 6 weeks so I'm counting down the days. But who the hell knows anymore!
I'm waking up with panic attacks which can be due to my thyroid meds being so messed up since this started or the Mono that I still have. This couldn't have come at a better time (yea right) I know that clusters won't kill you but then you gotta think that one could go through a lot of pain before death.
My worse fear is getting these and being alone. I don't like my kids to see me but just knowing that someone is in the house is so much better then being alone. But hubby has to go to work and it's not fair to send him off to work worrying about me. Don't get me wrong. I don't want anyone to talk to me or even touch me I just want to know that I wouldn't go out of my mind when the strong ones hit.
I'm scared all the time now. I'm scared that I will get one I'm scared when I get one. This dam thing has changed who I am. I no longer can make plans for fear that it will hit. The depression is setting in I've been sick since Jan with either the flu, Mono and now the clusters, and all I want to do is curl up and die but then I'm no quiter.
The panic attacks that I'm getting because of the thyroid meds being off just adds to the mix. I can't eat. I can't even sit down and relax and watch a movie. I'm just to dam tired to do anything. I don't feel well enough to tackel this. WHY THE HELL HASN'T ANYONE FIGURE THIS OUT YET AND GET A CURE! 27 years of dancing and I'm getting tired. Thank God I get a break. But how much do I have to prove. I carried two babies dancing this dance without meds. I was younger and stronger. I'm not anymore. I feel like I'm falling into a black hole and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry I'm venting.....Another day and worrying as to just when I will have to start to dance. Not to mention my head hurts from the needles that they put into the back of my scull yesterday. I'm afraid to take the meds for fear it will extend my cycle or I will get a rebound. I haven't gotten the O2 yet all I'm armed with for war is my ice packs and my dancing shoes.
Sami
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What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!
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Brew
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Re: Black hole.....and falling
« Reply #1 on: Mar 8th, 2007, 7:40am » |
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Sami,
I truly feel for you and the agony you are going through right now. I wish there was something any one of us could do for you. Have you thought about talking to a therapist to help you with some coping strategies? I have found that just a little bit of positive attitude will go a long, long way toward getting you through to the end of the cycle. I think a therapist could help you find a couple of tricks to help you reinforce a few "attitude adjusters" that might just help.
What do you think?
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Samiam
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Re: Black hole.....and falling
« Reply #2 on: Mar 8th, 2007, 8:03am » |
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Your right I need to met this head on. My family is so supportive and I know this will pass I'm just in one of those moods that I'm just so tired of being sick. I'll get through this. Once I find a way to handle the clusters and get all my ducks in a roll I will then be able to get back in the grove. It's just a kick in the gut to think you beat the beast only for it to laugh in your face. I'm a person always in control. I'm not in control anymore and I guess I'm just worn down from being sick. I can beat this. I will beat this. And when I'm done I will be a stronger person....I need to stay in the present and not look down the road right now. This all could stop tomorrow. Did I tell you my head hurts like hell from the nerve block....LOL
Thanks for being there.
Sami
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envirodefender
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Re: Black hole.....and falling
« Reply #4 on: Mar 8th, 2007, 8:53am » |
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Sami, I am so sorry for what you are going through.I know the feeling all too well. I am in the same sort of boat right now.
But like you say, you are not a quiter and you WILL beat this back again. Sometimes the worst thing is to let yourself think about how long it may be THIS time.
I think a therapist may help you. I have been seeing one for about a year and in the last few months, it seems to have really made difference.
Same thing, serious anxiety and depression. Dont get me wrong, I still have moments of "screw this" too. But helps to have some one to talk to about pain management psychologically.
Have you tried an anti depressant (like Effexor or Wellbutron) or an anti anxiety (like Xanax). I know you say you have Thryoid issues, but I think you can take those with the thryoid meds, my sister does.
Well good luck to and reach out anytime.
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"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage"
Cake or Death?
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