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Topic: How to tell your kids (Read 405 times) |
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ShaneM
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How to tell your kids
« on: Jul 15th, 2006, 6:15pm » |
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This one I have not seen yet. I have a very smart nine yr old and a 4 yr old. The 9yr is starting to ask a lot of questions about life in gereral. But more importantly, about what is happening to her Daddy. I am actually getting upset as I type this because it is so hard to express this kind of pain to such an innocent. She wants to know. She deserves to know. I have tried to put it simply, but as I said when I opened, she is VERY smart (gifted even).
And although we have been very detailed in our explaination of life and religion, it eludes me as to how I am going to do this. She does not see me when I go into a HA b/c I either medicate or hide. I have thought of letting her view Chuck's attack, but I don't know. That one messed me up pretty good the first time I watched it and I get the freakin' HAs. Let me know what ya' think...
Shane
Until then
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Cathi04
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #1 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 6:22pm » |
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Shane,
I think I'd be more concerned about getting caught offguard before you've had a chance to discuss this with her. Yes, it's horrid that kids have to be involved, but if you arm her with the right information ahead of time, she can cope!
One of the members here has a son with CH. Perhaps, if you ask Helen(LeLimey) for the story that was written for her son Jasper, it might help. It is probably younger than the 9yr old would like to read, but it is a simple explanation as well as a coping mechanism for him.
Damn the beast, anyway!
Wishing you PF,
Cathi
Modified to add: That is just MY opinion, Shane. I'm certain others will have more thoughts. I congratulate you for being the kind caring father you are, and I know you will do what is best!
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| « Last Edit: Jul 15th, 2006, 6:46pm by Cathi04 » |
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George_J
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #2 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 7:42pm » |
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It's not really an issue I've ever faced, to be frank.
My daughter's fifteen now, and I've had CH her entire life and far longer, as well. But I'm episodic, and almost exclusively get hit at night during my first REM cycle. So she's never seen an attack.
She is, and has been for as long as I can remember, aware that I get cluster headache. Now that she is older and a very inventive, curious, and resourceful person, she's read up on them and even visits this site from time to time. I have no doubt that she's seen the video of Chuck getting hit, although she has not told me so.
With all that, I'd imagine she'd still be very upset to witness one of my attacks, particularly the kip 8 and 9's I get in the middle of the cycle. That's when I go into full pacing, head-whacking, and pleading mode, asking for death. I don't actually mean that I would be prefer to be permanently dead, but you say things like that when you're being hit hard.
I know that you all understand what I mean.
So, yes--she has always known on some level that I get CH. We don't hide things like that from her. But she's never seen it. In that sense she still does not know.
I've always been a hider when I get hit. Part of it is because I prefer to be alone--but some is that I don't want anyone to see me that way. I'd prefer that she never know what it is like to see me get hit.
Kind of a mealy-mouthed answer to your question, I know.
Regards,
George
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MJ
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #3 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 9:09pm » |
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I think its important to keep your kids informed in an honest way.
No matter how we try to hide our CH the kids know something is wrong. If they are not informed fully of the situation with a parents suffering they quickly begin to somehow find themselves at fault in some way.
Or they may begin to worry that you are going to die.
This has been an issue with my kids in the past. My youngest at 9 began to fail in school pretty badly untill we finally found out it was my clusters that were affecting him. He began to suffer sympathy headaches as well The poor kid had honestly thought I was dying but didnt know how to confront it.
Really affected me having not recognized this. I still get a tear in my eye when I think about it.
We think we are hiding but they especially at a younger age are so aware and think we are either avoiding them or worse.
Talk to them they must know a hit is just temporary and an attack will go away.
Let them know you will be ok, wont die and to hang in there with you. Talk to them after the hit as well.
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jenrob2006
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #4 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 9:40pm » |
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My daughter is also nine years old. She is also very intuitive and gifted. I have suffered far longer than she has been around. I was never able to hide from her because I was a single parent until 3 months ago. I had to still take care of her while getting hit. There were times where I would have to call my mom to come and get her because I could not cook dinner for her because of a hit. She has always been fully aware of what is going on because it is a way of life for her. My first cycle after she was born was when she was two weeks old. When I get hit, she comes and kisses me and asks if I am OK. Then she goes about her business. I would be more than happy to let my daughter talked to your daughter since they are the same age, maybe they could have their own little support group. It has to be hard for a daughter to see her father go through something like this. If you think it will help, just let me know. I dont allow my daughter to use email yet, but we can work something else out.
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E-Double
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #5 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 10:55pm » |
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when rori gets back ask again......her kids help.....
my 1 month old has already been in my arms as i huff o2
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unsolved1
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #6 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 10:58pm » |
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My kid grew up around it. He knows what a cluster headache looks like. He has been very helpful at times. There's been no need to explain anything to him. It's always been part of our lives.
UNsolved
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BobG
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #7 on: Jul 17th, 2006, 12:12pm » |
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Clink on this linky thingy from the OUCH News web site.
http://www.ouch-us.org/newsletters/04-2006/04-2006.pdf
and scroll down to
For Children Who Support by Daniel Howell
Helping Our Little Ones to Help Us by Anita Wiseman
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Guiseppi
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #8 on: Jul 17th, 2006, 2:20pm » |
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My girls are 20 and 22, they've always known about dad's "bad headaches." In the old days they'd bring me the frozen peas and then leave me alone. In later years they'd grab the Lidocaine Spray and are now comfortable stting up the 02.
It's a family problem and as others say, you don't really hide it. You just make it mysterious and that's even scarier then the truth. It is what it is and it helps to have them as helpers! peace and some pain free time at you.
Guiseppi
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seasonalboomer
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #9 on: Jul 17th, 2006, 2:34pm » |
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I'm not sure I realized my father's "bad headaches" until I was in my early teens. He kept them to himself and would "rock through the night" with some pretty severe stuff. My greatest concern was really that he was not going to die. After I learned about them through some materials he had brought from the doctors I realized they were not life threatening and I was okay with him basically saying that he needed some space when they came on because they ain't all that pretty to be around.
Once I became episodic myself, I then understood that the space was the best gift I could give him.
I know it's not generally in our CH nature to minimize these things but I think when you tell your kids you can "minimize" them some. Will Daddy die from them? No, it's just a thing in my head that hurts me sometimes. We spend a lot of time trying to be real about the pain so that others will realize how bad it is, but compared to the love in one of your little girl's faces, you can probably find the perfect words to assure them that Daddy will be okay.
Scott
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Guiseppi
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #10 on: Jul 17th, 2006, 2:55pm » |
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What I just said only Scott put it beautifully! 
Guiseppi
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MorePower
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #11 on: Jul 17th, 2006, 11:17pm » |
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Hey Bro: I feel your pain: I tried so hard to hide it. Till one night I was having a Kip 10 and he woke up. He is 7 and usually sleeps through anything. We had no told him before this. He woke up and he freaked. I guess I should have told him before but in the end it all worked out. He freaked and cried his little heart out as he thought I was going to die. He actually asked my wife(step mommy), if I was goign to die as I said I wanted to die several times during the attack. At this point in my CH's I was early in my Chronic stages of CH. So I was in denial. I also didn't know he was awake. Once I realized he was, I tried with all but little strength I had to compose myself, but I couldn't. Mommy reassured him I was going to be ok. 2 hours later after the attack was over about 5am, we sat down with him and explained what they were and that I was going to have these possibly for the rest of my life. They may/may not go away but its just a headache, and daddy be a-ok after the headache is gone and daddy be just fine. Even before the attack, Daddy is a normal fellow and even after with a little bit sore and a little bit tired. Mommy explained to him that daddy needs space.
Now a days, he is strong. He asks and knows even before I have an attack when it is coming, its almost ery. He comforts me, rubs my backs, gets me a coffee, and hugs me, tells me he loves me and gives me zero grief and he knows its really tough on me. I couldn't ask for a better son in the whole wide world and the same goes for my wife. The moral of the story is, Give your family the benefit of the doubt. Kids are alot more resilant than you might think. My little guy has seen alot with us in the past year. Kids are strong.
Best of luck my friend.
Prayer helps too
Bless ya
MorePower
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Charlie
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #12 on: Jul 18th, 2006, 12:27am » |
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I read some time ago...somewhere, that kids handle pain of parents differently most of the time. They tend to do better around it than we imagine. I think there is a little of if mom or dad experience something, it's bad but it's not exactly foreign to them. If they deal with it, it's not so shocking.
I thought you might want to hear of this.
Good luck in any case.
Charlie
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BarbaraD
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #13 on: Jul 18th, 2006, 8:09am » |
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My four year old grandson has "accepted" that Granny has bad HAs. The first time he saw Granny have one, his Papaw held him (I can't stand to be touched) and explained them to him. Granny was sucking on O2 at the time. He just watched me with his little eyes bigger than saucers. After it passed, he came over and hugged me.
Now, when I start rubbing my ear, he runs for the O2 and starts yelling, "Breath, Granny Breath!" He knows not to touch me until I tell him it's ok. He just sits and watches. He's gotten into "ice packs" now and gets the frozen peas or "makes" me an icepack. But he accepts it.
I hate like hell to get hit in front of him, but have accepted that I'm going to and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. He told me he just "hates" those headaches. So does Granny.
Kids "accept" easier than grown-ups do and just take things with a grain of salt, so don't be afraid to explain them to the kids.
Hugs BD
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lionsound
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Re: How to tell your kids
« Reply #14 on: Jul 18th, 2006, 4:11pm » |
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on Jul 15th, 2006, 10:55pm, E-Double wrote:when rori gets back ask again......her kids help.....
my 1 month old has already been in my arms as i huff o2 |
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EE is exactly right. my kids help. My eleven year old and my seven year old help switch o2 tanks for me....it's become just another gadget around here. They get ice if i ask too. Leaving me alone isn't really an option. They worry more if they don't know what's going on because they are very smart. They like to check on me.
I answer their questions honestly when they ask without scaring them.
And I know they've become more compassionate because of it.
I try not to let it take over and keep me from doing things. it's not a big horrible thing in our daily lives unless I make it one.
Be well and PF!
-Rori
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