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Topic: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy (Read 3831 times) |
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Annette
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Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« on: Nov 27th, 2007, 2:29pm » |
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The 17 years old boy, son of an old good friend of mine, came to see me at home but for a medical reason had given me a professional/ethical dilemma, for which I would like your opinion please.
His parents and I used to be good close friends but about 5 years ago they moved to another state and we sort of lost contact. However I remember their eldest son very well, a beautiful polite boy who was doing extremely well at school and was well loved by all who knew him.
The boy who came to see me now is troubled, hurt and completely lost. He told me his parents splitted soon after they moved away. His mother took the children to another state and since then had had several relationships. She developed major depression and got first into alcohol then later pot and other drugs. The children had been mistreated physically and verbally by some of her partners, with him being the worst one off because he was trying to protect his younger brother and sister.
A few months ago he ran away from home and went to stay at the house of one of his friends. The mother of this friend is a single woman in her late 30s. She took him in and treated him well for a couple of weeks. However, one day when her own children were away, she suddenly grabbed him, fondled him then took him by the hand to her bedroom. He was too shocked and scared to protest. He was confused and didnt know what to think or do, hoping that it would be only a one off. Unfortunately a few days later she did it again. By the time he came to see me this had happened 8-9 times. He told me that he hated it but felt he had no choice as he didnt want to go back home and didnt want his parents to know. The reason he came to see me was he wanted to know if he should get tested for STD because she never used a condom.
I have kept him at my place and I have told him that he is most welcome to stay as long as he wants to. I have not yet done any test for him because I am not sure if I should be his doctor.
My dilemma is, in my opinion, this is child abuse. This woman had abused his trust and took advantage of a lost and troubled boy who was in her care. What she did could be constituted as rape. However in the state she lives in, the legal consenting age is 17, unless if the perpetrator is the carer ( guardian, teacher etc ) then the legal consenting age is 18. Personally I am furious and really want to put this woman behind bars. However, this poor frightened boy has been so emotionally damaged that he is too scared to do it. He did not want his parents to know ( his father did not know the mother is into drugs and alcohol and that her partners had beaten his children up on occasions ). He didnt want to go see any other doctor but me and he didnt want to go see a counsellor either.
Legally I have to respect the wish of this 17 years old boy if I am to be his doctor. I will be able to treat him but I wont be able to tell his parents or anyone else. Furthermore I wont be able to continue caring for him in my home because that would violate the professional relationship with the patient. I have consulted my solicitor who told me I should do as he requested, ie treat him as a patient according to his wish and not tell anyone else, and let him go live whereever and with whomever he chooses.
I am not happy with this solution because I believe that he has been too emotionally damaged to be able to choose wisely. He needs help but he also need protection. How can I help and protect him at the same time? Should I just keep him at my house and nurse him until he is well enough to be able to make the right decision? Should I act as a family friend and contact his dad against his wish? What about the possibility of STD, I cant really waste too much time in case he has contracted something? ( there is no symptom yet ).
I am sorry for the long post but I believe you all would need to see the whole picture to be able to help me with your opinion. Please share your thoughts and help me with suggestions as to how best I can help this young boy.
Thank you very much and God bless us all.
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thebbz
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #1 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 2:38pm » |
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Lucky young man. All shit aside....he is the one that should use protection. For his protection. It is normal to worry when one has not taken prudent precaution. The bigger picture...where should this young man go? At 17 he is almost an adult. Someone should point him to the future.
Wishing for good outcome
thebb
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thomas
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #2 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 2:43pm » |
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Do you have a colleague who could see him, pro-bono while he stays with you for a bit? Then perhaps see if he can find some viable employment and get started on his path.
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George_J
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #3 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 2:48pm » |
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Joe (Guiseppi) is probably the best person here to discuss the situation with--that I know of. There are probably others here who've worked with abused juveniles in one capacity or another. I don't know.
Although the legal status of this young boy, and the things that happened to him are probably going to be very different viewed through the respective lenses of American and Australian law, kids are kids the world over.
I don't have any experience at all with juveniles (other than my own). but it sounds as if you have the legal requirements covered. (Good move discussing it with your solicitor. ) It seems to me that you're now searching for what is the ethical--or at least best-case--direction to proceed. Am I correct?
Best wishes always,
George
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Annette
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #4 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 2:53pm » |
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Thanks John for your thought 
He knows very well from teaching at school about STD and using protection. The problem here is he was too frightened and emotionally damaged to act against this womans demand. Even adults can be put into a compromised position and not able to fight back.
I can certainly point him into the right direction but I am worried that unless he has regained enough strength, the minute he walks out my door he is going to walk into all sorts of trouble again.
I dont want to lose this opportunity to turn his life around. He could be heading for a life of drugs and problems.  . Short of becoming his mother how can I do this?
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #5 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:02pm » |
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Annette, I don't know the legal procedures on this case but I would think getting another Doctor to check him for diseases would be a good idea, that way you stay out of it in case he decides to take that lady to court and you don't compromised any evidence. Keeping him in your place until he is ready to move on is a very sweet gesture of you but also a huge responsability.
I wish you all the best 
Rosy.
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Annette
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #6 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:04pm » |
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Hi Thomas
I have many colleagues who would be more than happy to give him medical care but he refuses to go. He is too shy and too frighten to see anyone else but me at the moment. I am hoping that in a few days he will settle and will feel better about seeing someone else but I am not sure. He is quite lost.
Hi George
Yes, I am sure if he decides to charge this woman it can be still be seen by the Court as sexual assault or at least violation. Obviously if and when he wants to do this I will do everything I can to help him win the case.
Yes again that I am searching for the best ethical way to care for him, not just right now but for his future as well. I also would like to know should I and how to let his father know. His mother sounds like a lost case herself but his dad is a decent caring person. He was just kept in the dark by his ex wife all these years. The children usually go to see him twice a year during school breaks but none of them dared tell him anything out of fear.
Now I am also worried about the other 2 kids still in her care
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thebbz
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #7 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:05pm » |
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You should know I was on my own at 13 due to an abusive stepfather. This young man is scared. You need to help him with an initial plan for adulthood. This would include information about these indescreet situations that adulthood will present.
I would not overlook a visit with a counselor. This will help qualify and quantify his situation in his own mind. Help him with his options to move forward from the present. Let him know what to watch for and stay away from. That will help give him some confidence.
all the best
thebb
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Karla
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #8 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:07pm » |
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I would contact his father and let him know what has been going on at the house of his mother. IE the physcial and emotional abuse. What about his other two syblings left in that environment without his protection there. If the father knows he can sue for custody. He is the one who should take his son to the dr. He is the one who should find councel and help for his son to get over the physical abuse by the lady that raped him and took advantage of him. I know he doesn't want his Dad to know but his Dad loves him and must be better off than his Mother I would hope. I would break the confidence off and talk to the father. But if the father doesn't want him in his life or if the father isn't finantially able to get custody of his kids then let him know he can stay with you. You should report the abuse to social services if you have such an agency where you live to invesigate the abuse. It has to stop for the protection of the two remaining children. The father and you are the only ones who can persue this and help them. Good luck no matter what you decide to do. I will be praying for you for I am sure this is no easy decision.
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Annette
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #9 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:09pm » |
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Thanks Rosy. I thought so too thats why I hadnt agreed to treat him as a doctor but I am worried that if I push him to go see someone else against his wish he will run away from me too. I cant afford to risk his trust here. He is happy to stay with me for now but I am sure if I push him too much he will stop trusting me and will run somewhere else and get into worse trouble.
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #10 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:10pm » |
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Yea!!! Karla!! Good advice.
thebb
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chewy
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #11 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:26pm » |
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In this country you would be legally madated to report.
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Annette
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #12 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:30pm » |
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Thanks Karla, that would be the ideal situation and I had thought about it.
One thing that made me hesitated which I hadnt posted yet is that his father had remarried and apparently his new wife and the children dont get on very well. They have 2 other children and they are not well off. I think she wont be too happy to suddenly have to care for 3 extra emotionally damaged children if he gets custody. I do believe that it is his responsibility to care for his children one way or another but I have a bad feeling that the 2 younger children will end up in foster care.
If only I am a millionaire, I would be able to save 3 souls from destruction! Sigh !
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #13 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:37pm » |
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If Annette is his doctor, she may be unable to violate confidentiality and inform the father what has happened. I don't know what Australian law says about that.
If she is not his doctor, and is acting as a friend of the family, then she can certainly do so.
If Annette tells him that she will not be his doctor and that he must see someone else, he may move on and get into further trouble.
If Annette acts as his doctor, she may very well be bound by confidentiality not to say anything to anyone without his consent. I presume that he's of the age of majority in Australia, and can decide to live with whomever he chooses, including Annette's family.
No ideal solution that I can see. Perhaps the best-case choice would be to attempt, (gently, and without pressure--to which kids respond badly) to persuade him once again that it might be best to see a colleague of Annette's as his doctor, and continue to stay with Annette's family for the time being as a family friend. Personally, I would attempt to persuade him that it might be best that his father be informed, if for no other reason than to protect the other two kids who are still with their mother. Again, I don't think using pressure or acting without his consent is the best move--but he has to try to understand that it's certainly in the best interests of everyone involved that he cannot let things remain as they are.
Kids can make reasonable and informed choices if we talk to them about the choices to be made. I'm relatively sure that this young man can do what is right if it's presented in the right way, and he does not feel as if he's being compelled.
Just my opinion, for what it's worth.
George
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Ah! The foreigners put on such airs
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Annette
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #14 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:38pm » |
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Chewy, I am all for reporting and I will definitely report about the other 2 younger kids.
I want to talk to him again and see if I could gently persuade him to agree to me ringing his father. It looks like its the best way anyway even if its against his wish. I just dont want to hurt him further. It breaks my heart to see how frighten he is 
Should I do this now or should I wait a few days and give him a chance to settle more. I also want to give him a taste of a normal loving home, is it wrong?
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #15 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:45pm » |
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Did you get the PM? Digital dumbass I am. Let him calm down. He'll come around to fact and logic once he is thinking clearly. (Hopefully)
thebb
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #16 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:48pm » |
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Now correct me if I am wrong and I may be but.... you are obligated to not revial(sp) medical info but not a felony you are not a priest. I would double check and see if you can report all counts of abuse but not disclose the medical problems or treatments.
Mike
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #17 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 3:54pm » |
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it is a ticking bomb situation there in your hands Annette, but more for the other two children.
I don't know if there is such a thing as Child Protection Services in Australia but I think is now the time to contact them even if is an anonimity status to try to protect the ones that are still under the mother's care, they then will contact the father and the young boy under your care would not have to worry about being you who call his father.
He is of legal age to choose who he wants to live with but the others don't and they deserve better also. Sometimes foster care is a way better option than the situation they are in right now.
Explain your situation to the boy, the fact that will be better for both of you to get another Doctor to see him so he can stay with you if he desires but that you also need to help his siblings and for that matter you can't provide the medical care he needs right now if he wants to stay under your roof.
I will pray for you ...
Rosy.
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #18 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 4:09pm » |
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on Nov 27th, 2007, 3:38pm, Annette wrote:
Chewy, I am all for reporting and I will definitely report about the other 2 younger kids.
I want to talk to him again and see if I could gently persuade him to agree to me ringing his father. It looks like its the best way anyway even if its against his wish. I just dont want to hurt him further. It breaks my heart to see how frighten he is
Should I do this now or should I wait a few days and give him a chance to settle more. I also want to give him a taste of a normal loving home, is it wrong? |
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Be careful. You seem to be too emotionally involved with him. Something doesn't compute-do you really think that a 17 y.o. young man can be forced to have sex with an older woman so many times??? You have only heard his side of the storey-who knows if he is telling the truth. To me it seems that he is manipulating you by telling you that you are the ONLY doctor/person that he can trust; this is commonly done with people who have personality disorders or other psychiatric problems; don't be surpised if he threatens to harm himself if you push him going to the authorities. I may be wrong, but in any case I would contact social services and turn him over to them to resolve whatever problems he has. I think that you are a person with a good heart, but I think that you have gotten too emotionally involved too quickly and need to step back and let others deal with his problems. Be careful-again, something is not quite right.
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #19 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 4:14pm » |
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I would call it exploitation since he is of the age of consent. Lots of self-serving people out there, it always suprises me to find out who is willing to exploit other people and knowlingly cause that kind of harm. Hopefully he can learn the skill of saying 'no' sometime soon.
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Annette
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #20 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 4:21pm » |
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George is right that if I act as his medical doctor I cant divulge any information at all to anyone without his consent, not just medical but personal information too. The dilemma here is his age. Its an grey area. What that woman did to him is rape in my opinion and it seems like many of you here would agree with me. However, that wont be taken automatically as such in the face of the laws, it has to be argued out in Court. If she is taken to Court there is no saying which way it may turn out. He may or may not win the case against her. Therefore its not automatically a felony. In fact, he is in denial about the whole thing. He didnt want to admit or accept that he was raped. He said he didnt want it at all but right now he refuses to think that he was raped. I believe that he is in denial about a lot of things now because he cant cope with it all. Being physically abused is horrible enough, but to be sexually abused too is just too much for him.
I really dont want to pressure him. I feel that he is too fragile for it. I am worried that I seem to be his last chance here and if I do this wrong I will blow it big time and I may end up doing more damage to him ( emotionally ).
What my heart really wants to do is to take him in and care for him until he regains enough strength. He is in year 11 and I really want to see him complete school or else his future will be severely affected. I can care for him until he does and then help him find employment. However I cant do this for his two sibblings as well.
All I can do for his sibblings is to inform DOCS ( Department of Social Services ) anonimously and expect them to do the right thing, thanks Rosy. But then as a friend would his father gets mad at me if I dont tell him first ? Personally I dont feel good about it either, I have seen DOCS mishandling cases often and I have also seen children being just as damaged shuffled from one foster home to another. However, I have to accept that I cant do it all. My primary concern here is this young boy who has come to my home seeking help.
So much I want to do but so limited in resources
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #21 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 4:24pm » |
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on Nov 27th, 2007, 4:09pm, LindaM wrote:
Be careful. You seem to be too emotionally involved with him. Something doesn't compute-do you really think that a 17 y.o. young man can be forced to have sex with an older woman so many times??? You have only heard his side of the storey-who knows if he is telling the truth. To me it seems that he is manipulating you by telling you that you are the ONLY doctor/person that he can trust; this is commonly done with people who have personality disorders or other psychiatric problems; don't be surpised if he threatens to harm himself if you push him going to the authorities. I may be wrong, but in any case I would contact social services and turn him over to them to resolve whatever problems he has. I think that you are a person with a good heart, but I think that you have gotten too emotionally involved too quickly and need to step back and let others deal with his problems. Be careful-again, something is not quite right.
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OMG Linda ! Now what am I to think ?
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #22 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 4:55pm » |
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Mind your own business.
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #23 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 5:06pm » |
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Not sure about laws in Australia, but in the USA if a doctor is aware or suspects child abuse/neglect, they are mandatory reporters. They MUST contact law enforcement, or face prosecution for failing to report if evidence shows probable cause that they knew.
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Re: Your opinion please-to help a 17 yrs old boy
« Reply #24 on: Nov 27th, 2007, 5:17pm » |
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Yes Redd, its mandatory here too. Thats why I will definitely report about the 2 younger kids but this young boy here is 17, he is not considered a child in the face of laws.
Potter, how do I mind my own business? Push him out the door and tell him I wont help him ? Have you even got a heart?
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