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Topic: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... (Read 1113 times) |
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luveemom
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Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 9:21am » |
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Does anyone else deal with a sibling who is a drug addict? He is 36 years old now, and has been this way for as long as I can remember.......dropped out of school in 8th grade....blah blah blah......and my Mother has felt guilty her whole life and basically enables him forever and makes it all worse! He is constantly in and out of jail, and he has stolen from everyone in the family......checkbooks from my Mom, my dead Grandmothers jewelry......which my husband and I spent Christmas eve two years ago driving from pawn shop to pawn shop for hours trying to retrieve.....finally recovering it all after paying some hefty fines.......My Mother thinks I am quite the bitch, since I want nothing do with him.....I am tired of the same old shit routine with him, since he never will help himself at all.......everytime he gets out of jail.....the cycle contines.....she lets him move in with her.....gets him a car....with no license mind you.....he gets MV violations.....drinks...which he shouldn't be doing...never does any rehab...and it all begins again.....I feel terrible because I have a new baby, never mind my older children, and I have no Dad...he left me long ago....I feel I may have to cut off our relationship all together since she chooses to live this way.....I think it is wrong and sick...She calls me judgemental......I strongly disagree....this has been going on for decades....Anyone want to weigh on....this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as the info I have given you......... 
Alicia
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PollyPocket
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #1 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 10:23am » |
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Alicia, my brother is your brother's twin... except with alchohol. EXACT same scenario with mom too.
My other siblings and I decided long ago to give him some tough love. We want nothing to do with him unless he gets his sh*t together and gets help. Every time he claimed he was so sorry and wanted us to support him, we got majorly screwed.
We've all been the scapegoats for his problems for YEARS and we all got tired of taking blame each time he whines to mom about how mean we are to him.
My opinion: its perfectly OK to choose not to have him in your life. My bro, when he was a part of my life, was nothing but a life-draining manipulator. Enough is enough.
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luveemom
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #2 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 10:39am » |
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Jen,
Thanks so much for the response.....My brother starts off drinking when he gets out of jail, but his drug of choice is heroine. It is not the kind of thing you can kick without help......besides mommy's that is....I appreciate that you can relate...not many people can. I just feel very frustrated right now. I suggested my mom see a therapist and she ends up going to this lady who has a kid like this too! So she is telling her to him urine tests, and call treatment centers for him, ect. ect......HELLO.....He is 36 yrs. old..........UGH........Thanks for listening........
Alicia
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Rosybabe
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #3 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:19am » |
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Alicia
sorry to hear what you are going through but if you had cancer, Wouldn't you let the Doctors cut out whatever was sick so the rest would stay healty?...
In my humble opinion, you have a family you need to take care of, and those are your children. Let your mother worry about hers. Someone who does not want to be help can't be help.
You own it to your children. Be strong,it is never easy to turn your back but sometimes it is the only way...
Rosy.
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nani
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #4 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:33am » |
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Sorry about this, Alicia. It's a tough situation.
I don't think you have to end the realtionships in order to stay out of the enabling, though. I know it's hard not to be angry and disappointed, but detached love is a better way to go. Keep the relationships on your terms, protect your family, and continue to enjoy the parts of your mother that you love.
hugs, nani
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john_d
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #5 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:34am » |
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My best friend from high school and young adulthood turned into a raging alcoholic while I was in the Navy. It was weird cause he also graduated with honors from Rollins and good college near here. I never understood how bad alcoholism could be until this dude, I am still amazed anyone could drink that much and stay alive. After the navy we hung out a little and then he started borrowing money and I would get weird drunk phone calls and visits in the middle of the night from him trying to get money for some more booze. I remember once he peed in one of my bushes and killed the bush he had so much alcohol in his system!!! His parents actually appealed to me for help, like to talk to him and stuff. I tried but that was just dumb since I was not equipped to help and alcoholic. I don't have alot of patience for that kind of bs anyway so my relationship with him ended pretty fast. Still got occassional phone calls and visits, always drunk with stories of being banned from all the bars in town or arrested for this or that. He eventually killed himself when he was drunk shortly after his grandmother died that he was caring for. I went to the funeral, which was sad because I was one of two friends who actually showed up. His father actually said to me over and over 'don't worry it's not your fault'. WTF??? No shit it's not my fault, lol. I felt like knocking him out to be honest, what a guilt-inducing thing to say- and I avoided him after that. I still think about Mike as he was and I visit his grave, but I would never blame myself for someone elses problems and I would never allow anyone else to blame me either. I am not comparing stories because mine I was not tied by blood or family bonds but I thought you might like to here it anyway.
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| « Last Edit: Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:35am by john_d » |
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tanner
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #6 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:42am » |
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luvee, My wife Linda and I played that game with a sister of hers for over 25 years and over 100g's.
We tried and tried to change her ways by moving her across country finding or giving her jobs getting her places to live and basically covering her ass.
We actually thought we had won several times, like when she had her first born son who is now 21 and an outstanding soldier on his second tour in the sandbox  . He now has given up and only communicates with her through us.
We thought we had won again when she got married and had 2 more kids now 16 and 14. That delusion lasted about 6 yrs. until the Father (who we thought was an ass at the time) left and went back to Ca. by himself leaving her with the kids in MD. on our doorstep where we watched (and enabled) her slide from booze and coke go to crack and abuse from her newest guy.
We moved to the mountains of CO. and had a great group of friends when I got a call from my neice saying that her Mom had been beat nearly to death over a deal gone wrong and could I help? So off I go to old MD. to pay her bills, pack her up and move her to Co. where once again we got her a job and a place and got fooled again.
Within a month she had taken the kids and was in Phoenix in an apartment with.......guess who.....the same guy, now magically restored to good provider and social drinker. A year later we are in Malibu running the only RV park there and we get the news that he had dropped dead while back in MD. for a visit and she was left in AZ. with the kids and no hope, so off I go to the rescue once more. We buy her a 38ft. RV and put her in a park in San Dimas where she can work and live oh yeah another car too.
Next thing we know she has hooked up with another abusive user and has now graduated to meth. The Rv. , still in my name is found wrecked and abandoned in the valley and Rita has no where to go.
Finally with the pushing of her own Mom (our beloved late Mom), we call the father who takes the 2 younger kids and we take the oldest and head back to the East coast leaving her to her own devices.
It's now 6 yr.s later and Donnie is a great man and soldier. my niece and nephew in Ca. are happy and very well taken care of, Rita is still using (but quitting every other week  ) and Tim is feeling like an idiot for trying all the wrong things for way too long  .
The moral is: if you can afford outside hard intervention, go for it. If not have the whole family back slowly away from the bomb and take care of yourselves. Please share this with your Mom or whomever and if you would like PM me and I will send you my Cell#.
Wishing you the very best......Tim
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chewy
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #7 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:47am » |
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Your mom should be looking into attending local al-anon meetings.
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Kevin_M
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #8 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:56am » |
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A 10/4 to Chewy.
Call a local or national NA/AA and have a booklet sent out of the surrounding meetings for him. That is the best assistance you can offer him. Whether he takes you up on this offer is up to him, if he does the thanks will be lifelong in coming. If he doesn't, you have offered the best gift he will ever receive.
on Aug 23rd, 2007, 9:21am, luveemom wrote:I am tired of the same old shit routine with him,
this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as the info I have given you......... |
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I know.
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| « Last Edit: Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:59am by Kevin_M » |
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Big_OUCH
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #9 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:58am » |
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I'm new here, so forgive me if I jump in to your painful post. There is nothing that you can do for your brother except avoid him-to become involved will make you an enabler, just like your mother. I am sure that your brother breaks your mother's heart, as he does yours and the rest of the family. Unless he experiences some sort of epipheny, he will continue his downward spiral and wind up in prison or worse. The only thing that you can do is to live your life and not get involved in his. I am sure that your mother enabels his habits because she loves him and probably hopes that one day he will see the light; she may believe that without her support he will either die or commit some serious crime, but, despite her good intentions, she is making his problems worse. An addict is a good actor and he has his hooks in your mother and is able to get what he wants. She probably feels that without her he cannot survive (but he can; I doubt that she can give him enough money to feed his habit and he probably supplements what she gives him by stealing; when an addict is finally arrested, he/she has committed several HUNDRED crimes for which he/she was not caught). Take care of yourself and your family, let your mother know that you love her, let your brother know that too, but do nothing to support his habit. I have known people like your brother and most have come to a bad end. Unfortunately, prison is not an answer as he can get any drug there that he can on the street. One can only pray that he will see the light and want to change his life, but he HAS to want to change. I am so sorry that you are in such a terrible situation. Perhaps contacting a group that arranges confrontations, with all of the family members and significant others present who tell of the effect his habit has had upon them, might help. If such a confrontation is successful, the group arranging them will have a bed waiting in an inpatient rehab center so that he can be immediately admitted for treatment. The odds are not good, but it is worth a try for someone that you love. My heart goes out to you
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Linda_Howell
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #10 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 12:08pm » |
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These stories break my heart more than you know.
Well, some of you know..
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nani
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #11 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 12:11pm » |
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on Aug 23rd, 2007, 12:08pm, Linda_Howell wrote:
These stories break my heart more than you know.
Well, some of you know.. |
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 love you, Lin. 
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #12 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 12:20pm » |
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Love you lots too LindaLoo
Alicia, you're not alone with this. We've all got family stories from hell in one way or another and we knowhow you're feeling so anyone of us will hear you vent and help all we can. Do what you need to do, you know the anwer is there in your own heart, its just tough to face sometimes. We'll be there to pick you up when you feel down though and never forget that okay? We's yer famley too y'know! ((HUG))
Helen
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #13 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 12:43pm » |
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on Aug 23rd, 2007, 12:08pm, Linda_Howell wrote:
These stories break my heart more than you know.
Well, some of you know.. |
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Love you bunches Linda
My Lin does too......Tim
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luveemom
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #14 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 1:36pm » |
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Thank you all for your support and for opening your hearts and sharing with me. It really means a lot to me. It feels like the world is falling in on me sometimes. My Mom has been to the supporters meetings and doesn't like them???? Whatever........and my brother just doesn't go......the pattern is he will be back in jail within a year.....it has been this way for as long as I can remember. Thank you all again...I am just confused. I did find a counselor in my town who specializes in addiction and I have an appt. with him tomorrow to ask him about a meeting with me and my Mom......I want his opinion. I fear the total loss of our relationship...we will see what he has to say.....What you all have said was really wonderful and made great sense to me and made me feel much better  I am grateful to you for that
Alicia
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #15 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 1:41pm » |
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Hey Alicia.....
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luveemom
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #16 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 2:02pm » |
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Thanks Tim......you're the bomb!
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Mosaicwench
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #17 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 4:00pm » |
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A prayer for all who deal with this destructive and hurtful behavior. . . you're not alone.
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tanner
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #18 on: Aug 23rd, 2007, 4:24pm » |
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on Aug 23rd, 2007, 4:00pm, Mosaicwench wrote:| A prayer for all who deal with this destructive and hurtful behavior. . . you're not alone. |
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Amen
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| « Last Edit: Aug 23rd, 2007, 4:25pm by tanner » |
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fubar
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #19 on: Aug 24th, 2007, 2:42pm » |
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All of the advice here is SPOT ON. I dealt with an alcoholic/user wife for 15 years. 8 rehabs did nada... in the end, I had to play hardball and simply get her the hell out of my life.
She is now 45 and jobless, homeless, penniless, and she has no contact whatsoever with her children (15 and 17). I tried everything I could to put her on a path that gave her the opportunity to have a life, but all to no avail.
Her path of destruction is staggering. My kids have suffered the most. Morgan (15 yr old) is a mental case and is now in a therapeutic boarding school that cost me $60,000 (20 year loan, $800/month, I might as well give up trying to get ahead in life) and my son Ryan (17) is now in Juvenile Hall. They both are lashing out at the world because they have been completely screwed over by their mother (I hate using that word... mother... she is so not a mother)
Anyway, through it all I have learned that there is NOTHING at all I can do to make her make better choices. My responsibility is to my self and my kids, and all I can do is be the best father I can be. I have to accept that the addict in the mix is going to cause problems until she is dead. In other words, protect yourself and the ones you love, and cut ties with the addict until they are really recovered. Don't accept any promises or short-term progress as signs of recovery. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding. It is perfectly OK to cut ties even it it means cutting ties with your mom who enables all of it. It's SAD, but a necessary step in making yourself safe and sane.
-Fu
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phil_h
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #20 on: Aug 24th, 2007, 5:08pm » |
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ALICIA , YOU AND / OR YOUR MOTHER NEED TO ATTEND ALANON OR NARANON ...... NOT TO HELP YOUR BROTHER , BUT TO HELP YOU WITH DETACHMENT IN A HEALTHY WAY.... GO FOR YOU ..... THERE ARE ALOT OF GREAT WEB SITES ON : ALANON , NARANON , CODEPENDENCY AND ADDICTION....... YOU'VE GOTTEN REALLY GREAT FEEDBACK HERE...SO REMEMBER.....DON'T LET THE ADDICTS LIFE TAKE YOUR SANITY OR FAMILY.....ODAAT....PHIL H
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gore2424
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #21 on: Aug 24th, 2007, 5:39pm » |
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caring hugs to all in need
(((({{{{[[[[{{{(((HUGS}}})))]]]}}}))))
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #22 on: Aug 24th, 2007, 9:54pm » |
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That was a very kind and appropriate prayer Pat..."Im saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight"....
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luveemom
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #23 on: Aug 25th, 2007, 12:23pm » |
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Fu,
Your life is heartbreaking, you have been/are still going through hell. I commend you on being a single parent and holding it all together so well. I thank you for your response. I went to see the addiction counselor yesterday and he was an awesome guy.....he said no to me and mom going together.....but he will see her alone. He said "she" needs individual therapy, and me being there wouldn't be productive. When I came home to tell her how it went....she was very defensive......I gave her his card and it's up to her if she calls or not....he told me that she is co-dependent and enabling..I knew that, but she doesn't get it. I told her too, that I don't want to continue having a relationship with her while she is living this way with my brother. She says I am very judgemental......I am not shutting her out, but I am not going over there at all. I haven't had contact with my brother in years....and that will not change until he changes. She then laid a bunch guilt crap on me about how "oh I guess your mother is all f***** up" and I just said whatever Mom....I don't want your guilt, just go get some help.....stop laying this crap on me. Thanks for all your help everyone, and advice I appreciate it more than you know....I have done all I can do for her......it's up to her now. As for my brother, like I said I cut off contact with him years ago, that is a done deal.
((((((HUGS)))))))))
Alicia
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Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler....
« Reply #24 on: Aug 25th, 2007, 12:34pm » |
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Sounds like the first step in implimenting change has been taken ...... Detach with love.....You've done footwork... now allow God to be responsible for the outcome.... stay strong............ phil h
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