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Topic: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry) (Read 375 times) |
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Mark C
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Onward through the fog.
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Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« on: Jul 30th, 2007, 2:17pm » |
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Hi Family,
I need to vent a little and drop the “happy face” I feel I must carry to be positive for both the children and myself. Please don’t think I am ungrateful or anything like that, far from it I am VERY grateful to God and you folks for all of the help I have received in answered prayers and other gifts that have made a chance at a new life possible.
It is still very difficult to be completely honest at times due to my ego (what little is left) or pride or shame & guilt I still feel at being in the situation I have allowed us to get in. Part of my struggle has been to determine just what that has gone wrong is my fault. I tend to want to be wholly responsible for ALL that has happened and the truth is I am not, but still I am to blame for a huge part of this.
The reality of this situation is hard for me to grasp at times and I need to vent if I may.
I am tired……very tired. I have been nursing a bacterial sinus infection since we left the first shelter we were in and I have medical care the last round of antibiotics has failed. I have another appointment next week. There is a big change in “indigent” care and my previous insurance, Blue Cross Blue Shield. I waited 7 hours for my last Doctor visit.
We were ejected from the first shelter we were in as a result of an altercation between my 11 year old Son and another child who is heavily medicated and has threatened to “cut the throats” of parents of children he didn’t like. This is a very problematic child whose parent just does not parent and as a result this child is doomed or so it seems. I could not allow this child to attack my Son over a Basketball in a community courtyard so I stepped between the children after the other child laid hands on my Son right in front of the staff of the shelter, his “parent” and me. I was “asked” to leave as a result of my actions. I did not and would not ever hurt a child, all I did was step between them so no further blows could happen. I should have let Christian clean his clock, he is a proficient student of Kung Fu and could have hurt this child but my instinct kicked in and I acted. I now see this an answered prayer I pray to keep us safe…..we have been in a much better place because of this event. The previous shelter accepts children it is just not able to handle. I do not believe there are “bad” children but there are bad parents and I believed my child was in immediate danger and I acted, so be it. The move was very traumatic but we are better now….God has a plan.
I seem have become more depressed the last week or so….every time I think we are close to getting out some other hurdle comes up. The children are always with me to every appointment every meeting, everything! I should have a job by weeks end but childcare is an issue. I qualify for childcare AFTER I am employed. I cannot take the children to job interviews and there is no one to leave them with, at least no one I can trust. Catch 22…….I am frustrated.
I have warehoused some cash but always seem to be short of the next utility deposit ($100-200 each), apartment application fee ($35 dollars each!), legal copy ($1.00 a page) or the various other fees and charges associated with rebuilding a life. I understand it will all work out but geez….anyway…..I have exhausted the kids dragging them around every day to all of this mess….we ride the bus to most places which is OK but we also walk an average of 7-10 miles every day. I believe this contributes to the children being sick also. They both have medical insurance and I am getting them to the Doctor as needed, it just seems to be needed every week or so……
There was someone stabbed outside the shelter last night and I was not sure how to explain the huge bloodstain in the parking lot and blood trail as a result of this violence. They are always within reach of me when we are out but we are still in a bad part of town, the homeless are everywhere and we see way too much.
I just want to be “normal” again…
I am sorry to whine like a baby…after all this IS my responsibility but I am only human and sometimes late at night I feel very alone and overwhelmed at times. I sleep very little.
You folks are the only family I have left and you have been better than my blood kin ever was…..please forgive my whining, I WILL get us through this but I do not have anybody else to talk to and I MUST share some of this burden or I will freak…..please understand.
I keep doing the next right thing and my faith is strong, I feel guilty about writing this in the first place but I must…..it will keep me moving forward, I must be honest.
Again I thank you all for your help and just for allowing me to cry a little, something I don’t not have much time for…..I must go not to yet another housing project to check on housing. Funds are supposed to be coming soon I hope and maybe I can take the next step in the right direction….out of this place.
With much love and gratitude,
Mark and The Kids
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Linda_Howell
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #1 on: Jul 30th, 2007, 2:59pm » |
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Mark, with what you have been through and are enduring, you have every right to blow off some steam anytime you wish and we are all here to support you even though it has to be long-distance.
I wish so much that I or someone here was closer to you. At the very least I could take the kids while you go on job interviews. So since I am not there, please know in your heart that I and all of us are cheering you on and giving you all the strength we have for you to get your life back.
We love you hon. I am pm-ing you my number if you can call.... and just want to talk. At anytime !!!!!
Linda
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Jonny
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #2 on: Jul 30th, 2007, 3:43pm » |
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on Jul 30th, 2007, 2:59pm, Linda_Howell wrote:
Mark, with what you have been through and are enduring, you have every right to blow off some steam anytime you wish |
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What she said....and nobody better have a damn problem with that!!
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
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Rosybabe
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,Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #3 on: Jul 30th, 2007, 4:32pm » |
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Mark, we are here for that, to listen, not only about Ch but other things too.
You have all the right to vent and if your family can't hear you, then who else?
Like Linda I wish I could help you out with your boys, I am a stay home at the moment and I often watch my friend's kids (right now I am watching 2 of them, they are my little girl's playdates  )
Maybe if you talk with some of the moms at your kids school you may find someone willing to take care your kids while job serching for free, check in you church community service, there are often Grandmas ready to give a helping hand.
God will never leave your side.
Wishing the best for you, you deserve it because you are a great father!!
Rosy.
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nani
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #4 on: Jul 30th, 2007, 5:07pm » |
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Hang in there, Mark. Sometimes, a long cry can be very healing. Y'all are in my thoughts and prayers.
hugs, nani
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alienspacebabe
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #5 on: Jul 30th, 2007, 5:18pm » |
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It happened, Mark. Fault is not an issue here. Sometimes sh*t happens....
I see the opposite - you're working hard to make a better life for your family, despite all that life has thrown in front of you.
I completely understand feeling depressed - down, alone, everything's hanging on you.... It does get better! Promise!
Lizzie
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deltadarlin
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #6 on: Jul 30th, 2007, 6:00pm » |
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I don't know who you've contacted, so I'll just list some of the places that I know
United Way One Call (most United Way agencies now have a comprehensive list of every type of service listed and can refer you).
1301 Hannah Ave
Knoxville, TN
37921
Phone: (865) 523-9131
Arnstein Jewish Community Center (many synagogues are more than willing to help with what you need).
6800 Deane Hill Dr
Knoxville, TN
37919
Phone: (865) 690-6343
Big Brothers Big Sisters (if they had one, the kids could spend time with them while you job hunt).
4928 Homberg Dr Ste B1
Knoxville, TN
37919
Phone: (865) 523-2179
Volunteer Ministry Center
103 S Gay St
Knoxville, TN
37902
Phone: (865) 524-3926
Knox Area Rescue Ministries
418 N Broadway St
Knoxville, TN
37917
Phone: (865) 673-6540
Child & Family Tennessee
901 E Summit Hill Dr
Knoxville, TN
37915
Phone: (865) 524-7483
Boys & Girls Clubs
317 Mcconnell St
Knoxville, TN
37915-2161
Phone: (865) 594-8784
Volunteers of America
4452 Maud Booth Way
Knoxville, TN
37917
Phone: (865) 546-7090
Boys & Girls Club Montgomery
4530 Joe Lewis Rd
Knoxville, TN
37920
Phone: (865) 579-5377
Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater
1819 Dry Gap Pike
Knoxville, TN
37918
Phone: (865) 219-7232
There are a lot more places, but I was trying to research those that had websites so I wouldn't send you on a wild goose chase. I have to go do work now, but I do wish you all the best and I'm well aware of how difficult it can be. I spend 4 years as a counselor and many of the women I dealth with were in situations similar to yours.
Carolyn
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Jonny
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #7 on: Jul 30th, 2007, 6:18pm » |
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Kickass post, Darlin! 
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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Annette
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #8 on: Jul 30th, 2007, 7:26pm » |
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Dear friend,
Check you PM and Paypal.
Hugs 
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Charlie
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #9 on: Jul 30th, 2007, 7:38pm » |
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Rant away Mark. It's what we're here for. If anyone has a reason, it's you and yours.
I was going to suggest some stuff but I can't add to what was listed.
You're sounding good to me and hang on.
Charlie
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tanner
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #10 on: Jul 31st, 2007, 12:33am » |
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on Jul 30th, 2007, 3:43pm, Jonny wrote:
What she said....and nobody better have a damn problem with that!!
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What he said and my # is on the way.... prob in the morning....tim
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thebbz
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #11 on: Jul 31st, 2007, 1:27am » |
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Vent away my brother. Keep it up, soon you will have an extra room for me. It will get better.
thebb
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sldrswyfe
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #12 on: Jul 31st, 2007, 1:28am » |
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Thats hardly a long cry with all that you're experiencing.
I think you have a wonderful attitude...and can clearly see you are very grateful.
It's just difficult...and yes, you are only human...and doing the very best you can.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Mark.
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opposition from the mediocrities." -Einstein
"I'll DIE on MY FEET, before I LIVE on MY KNEES"...thanks Jonny...that meant alot
"Oh, say does that star spangled banner yet wave?"....Your damn right it does.
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sandie99
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #13 on: Jul 31st, 2007, 2:35am » |
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Mark,
once again I admire your attitude. 
And besides, I've seen and heard people complain a lot more about lot less. Pour your heart out when you need it, it is complitely allowed and understood.
Don't blame yourself over what has happened; it all did for a reason you all will understand in some point. You're true inspiration to your kids and the rest of us in here. I wish that you all will feel better soon.
Prayers are on their way,
Sanna
P.S. I love reading long posts.
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
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DennisM1045
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #14 on: Jul 31st, 2007, 7:22am » |
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Don't ever worry about venting here. You have a lot on your shoulders right now and we're happy to be here to listen and support you. I continue to be amazed at your faith and resilence. Keep rowing and your efforts will be rewarded.
-Dennis-
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Tara Ann
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #15 on: Jul 31st, 2007, 10:09am » |
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OMG Marc, vent away all that you can pour out do it! I wish I had a phone or something to give you to help. And jeesh if (yeah like if's help right!) I was close I'd watch your kids! (previous daycare teacher and mom of 2) but ok whatever like I said if's don't help. Your whole plight touches me deeply, we have been teetering on the edge of what you are experiencing, we too have been helped by some angels here. Jeesh ok I just wish I could help, but all I can say is keep hanging in there, keep venting when you can, it's not crying it's breathing!!!! You have to breath when the kids aren't watching right? And yep you are only human.
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Mark C
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Onward through the fog.
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Re: Wahhhhhhhhh...(warning, long cry)
« Reply #16 on: Jul 31st, 2007, 1:30pm » |
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.....I am again overwhelmed.......
You folks are fantastic......I needed this lift....
Darlin....thank you.....I have talked to everyone of the agencies on you list and more.....the help avaliable is amazing.....a bunch of work but avaliable.....I have generated a folder with a 3" high stack of paperwork and do more daily.....I am just a bit weary....and I was feeling alone...not now 
I am at a loss for words....
Thank you all....
I hate tears in public....cant see the keyboard.....geez...what a sap
Hugs and many thanks to all for all you are doing
Mark & The Kids
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