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Topic: Principals of modern management (Read 151 times) |
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burnt-toast
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Principals of modern management
« on: Jun 10th, 2007, 10:59am » |
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Old wisdom says that you can’t ride a dead horse, however modern business has adopted a new 12-step process to address this inevitable problem.
1. Acquire the latest whip technology to improve the effectiveness of live horse beatings until they learn to efficiently drag the dead horse around.
2. Establish a steering committee to develop methodologies for reviving the dead horse and propose "out-of-the-box" solutions for improving dead horse functionality. (The key objective is to establish a catchy but non-committing buzzword for the project - The Horse Efficiency and Rider Development initiative - H.E.R.D).
3. Form a quality assessment team to establish a more precise performance matrix for the dead horse and hire new riders based on revised guidelines. (Universities and Tech. Schools will quickly follow and adapt programs to teach new industry guidelines and create new H.E.R.D. mentality within the industry).
4. Purchase the newest saddles - guaranteed to make the dead horse run faster. (Note: Obvious incompatibility between new saddles and old dead horses are to be ignored. This step is purely diversionary to create the illusion that progress on the dead horse issue is hampered by supplier incompetence and allow time for H.E.R.D to become entrenched in corporate culture).
5. Arrange visits with other sites to closely analyze their successes riding dead horses. (Note: also purely diversionary, clearly someone else's dead horse is not you're dead horse but this step creates the illusion that everything possible is being done to achieve positive results).
6. Develop standards requiring key staff to demonstrate ability to ride dead horses and training programs teaching required dead horse riding skills (also purely diversionary).
7. Harness multiple dead horses together to test theory of increased combined riding speed of networked dead horses, (This should be a formal recommendation from the steering committee and is also purely diversionary).
8. Hire consultants to assess the potential value of a dead horse in today’s dynamic business environment (this partnership is contingent upon commitment from the consulting firm to absorb members of the quality assessment team and contract them back as project consultants to establish immediate bottom line financial improvements from The H.E.R.D. initiative).
9. Promote former riders to high-level management positions with responsibilities to secure visionary talent to keep the outstanding progress of H.E.R.D. moving forward.
10. Hire outside expertise in dead horse management and resurrection to confirm findings and establish future direction of H.E.R.D. (Confirmation and direction from unbiased third parties is important to persuade skeptical senior managers that H.E.R.D. is visionary and represents the future direction of the industry).
11. Declare the dead horse a dead deer and announce that this was always the secret objective of H.E.R.D. (This must be coordinated with formal confirmation by outside experts in dead horse management and resurrection that H.E.R.D has significant "potential" to provide strategic value in ground breaking dead deer development).
12 Reorganize with new focus on dead deer development. Formally announce that when fully developed dead deer will run better, faster and cheaper than dead horses and potentially replace dead horses in the industry. (Speculators will seize opportunity, jump into ground breaking dead deer investments causing stock values to soar)
Repeat steps as needed.
NOTE: In the event that H.E.R.D and similar initiatives catch visionaries up in reorganizations - this should not be viewed as a negative – H.E.R.D. mentality provides options for visionaries to take significant wealth with them and secure huge salary increases from organizations desperate to obtain expertise in their own visionary/ground breaking dead deer initiatives.
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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