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Topic: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s) (Read 4043 times) |
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Dave_Emond
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SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 1:49am » |
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Fuck It All !!!!!!
I'm trying ton write while mostb of my dear friends are not even online right now.
So many good friends, I apologize to you for what I must now do. I gave up. Byb the time you readn this I will mostv likley be gone. My doc, yeah right! Doc my ass! Has told me he will do nothing for my chronic pain and that it's all in my head. Shit, many of you here now on the boards donb't even know who I am, that's okay, I wish you wqell. My last question to this so called doc was "do you believe in Cluster Headaches?" After a long pause he said "yeah, I guess so." But, that didn't matter at all. It has nothing to do with what I'll do within the next so many hours. That bastard along with a bitch from hell that lied to you and me for so long ... shit ... one may be going with me if hold on long enough. Don't worry, the bitch is out of my reach and time frame.
Although many mat think I'm losing my mind, especially those who don't even know who I am, I'm not. Enough is enough!
To those of you who do know me, I love you all and hope you understand. Don'tb lose your faith I can only pray now that I be forgiven for what I must do. God have mercy on my soul, please forgive me as well as my friends, please forgive me as well.
I wish I could thank so many of you for your support for the last 11 years, but to name one above another just doesn't seem right.
I will say to jonny ... tell me again to do it and as for the first time I'll call you "King" and will follow your comand! Chewy ... fuck off! You once cried to me over the phone and I worked to reach and understand you, it was a good talk and you told me you would be fine, but instead you've become nothing but a mole on our ass trying to be like jonny ... sorry meathead, you'll never come close! Jonny is a experienced friend ... you chewy should join me you waste of human flesh!!!!!!!!!
dAQMN ... This is hard to write, I mention two names and want to name so many that were there for me. Carl, Cathy,Linda, Leesa%Dave. BobG, Ken, Nancy, Margi, Elaine, Liz, Carrie, Sven, Sailpappy, Ricarrdo, Kip, BobW, Fubar, Jerry, Barbara, BobP, Sarah, Jackie, Jean, Mel, Carol, Donna, Jimi, Frank, DJ, Chuck, ... aw crap! I knew better than to try to thank everyone for the support over the years so many I've left out to many names, but I hope you know who you are and have made me last this long. But thank you all, hope I helped someone alonng the way.
At least I got a chance to thank most everyone here before I go, as too mant never got the chance.
Can't think of a reason to go on in this life, already have a plan on how to leave and when.
Can't promise I'll respond again, depends on if I decide to take some doc with me, not kill, but lesson in chronic pain ... and hey! Maybe CH will get some headlines at least nation wide! I'm done.
My lasr prayers are with you all,
Dave
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froggy
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #1 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 1:55am » |
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If you're still there, meet me in the chat lounge.
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froggy
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #2 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 2:06am » |
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DAVID!
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andrewjb
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #3 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 5:45am » |
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ignorance is bliss, your docs a fuckwit. hang in there, times will improve. andrew.
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Woobie
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #4 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 7:25am » |
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on Feb 23rd, 2007, 1:49am, Dave_Emond wrote:Fuck It All !!!!!!
I'm trying ton write while mostb of my dear friends are not even online right now.
So many good friends, I apologize to you for what I must now do. I gave up. Byb the time you readn this I will mostv likley be gone. My doc, yeah right! Doc my ass! Has told me he will do nothing for my chronic pain and that it's all in my head. Shit, many of you here now on the boards donb't even know who I am, that's okay, I wish you wqell. My last question to this so called doc was "do you believe in Cluster Headaches?" After a long pause he said "yeah, I guess so." But, that didn't matter at all. It has nothing to do with what I'll do within the next so many hours. That bastard along with a bitch from hell that lied to you and me for so long ... shit ... one may be going with me if hold on long enough. Don't worry, the bitch is out of my reach and time frame.
Although many mat think I'm losing my mind, especially those who don't even know who I am, I'm not. Enough is enough!
To those of you who do know me, I love you all and hope you understand. Don'tb lose your faith I can only pray now that I be forgiven for what I must do. God have mercy on my soul, please forgive me as well as my friends, please forgive me as well.
I wish I could thank so many of you for your support for the last 11 years, but to name one above another just doesn't seem right.
I will say to jonny ... tell me again to do it and as for the first time I'll call you "King" and will follow your comand! Chewy ... fuck off! You once cried to me over the phone and I worked to reach and understand you, it was a good talk and you told me you would be fine, but instead you've become nothing but a mole on our ass trying to be like jonny ... sorry meathead, you'll never come close! Jonny is a experienced friend ... you chewy should join me you waste of human flesh!!!!!!!!!
dAQMN ... This is hard to write, I mention two names and want to name so many that were there for me. Carl, Cathy,Linda, Leesa%Dave. BobG, Ken, Nancy, Margi, Elaine, Liz, Carrie, Sven, Sailpappy, Ricarrdo, Kip, BobW, Fubar, Jerry, Barbara, BobP, Sarah, Jackie, Jean, Mel, Carol, Donna, Jimi, Frank, DJ, Chuck, ... aw crap! I knew better than to try to thank everyone for the support over the years so many I've left out to many names, but I hope you know who you are and have made me last this long. But thank you all, hope I helped someone alonng the way.
At least I got a chance to thank most everyone here before I go, as too mant never got the chance.
Can't think of a reason to go on in this life, already have a plan on how to leave and when.
Can't promise I'll respond again, depends on if I decide to take some doc with me, not kill, but lesson in chronic pain ... and hey! Maybe CH will get some headlines at least nation wide! I'm done.
My lasr prayers are with you all,
Dave |
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OK
So - it's been almost 6 hours since you posted that, and I see you're ONLINE - so I"m HOPING that you've rethought this post and don't do it.
and - if you're going to do it --- i hope you dont take anyone else with you.
suicide is a personal choice, and I respect your right to choose what's best for you... but I lose respect for anyone's personal choice when they decide to do harm to others on the way out.
I hope you don't commit suicide Dave... and I hope that you find the help you so obviously need....
I wish you strength to make it threw whatever's going on. You're obviously in deep, serious pain - mentally and physically........ and I know you've been there for a long time.
woobie
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Dave_Emond
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #5 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 7:59am » |
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Guess I shouldn't have tried to write when I did in the pain I was in. I can see how that post may have appeared. But now, while in a short "window" of just a heavy shadow ... I can see things much clearer.
Oh ... don't think I've changed my mind, in fact, I'm all the more compelled to follow through and if all goes as planned for over a week of prep, in about 4 hours from now I'll be waiting for "Doc". He'll live, but will never forget ... my outcome is inevetible.
Have to admit I'm working on 2 pictures of courage to do what I must do, at least Long Island Ice Teas will send me out with a smile on my face.
Thanks Mike and Helen for talking to me during the night and also Froggy and Ike ... 2 CH'ers I've never met doing what they could to listen, help and try to understand. You are all good people.
My post should have read 9 years on these boards and in those 9 years I thought I had been adopted into a real family that really cared. All I wanted was a chance to thank you for carrying me through rough times.
We've lost many dear to us over the years and am saddened by how quickly they faded away. Guess I'll fade away as well, almost feel now as if I already have.
I used to try to inspire, for those I may have, please forgive me for what I must do and don't lose faith because of my actions.
I'll try to stay online until around 9:00 AM. Please no replies to stop me. I'm in that "inner cycle" getting CH attacks 8 to 10 times everyday plus my body wasting away thanks to "Doc" and more Ice Teas going down ... no time to debate, just goodbye's and God Bless you All, (Wonder what He'll do with me?)
Not often one of us gets to say "goodbye my family and friends" on here and thanks.
Peace to All ...
Dave
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chewy
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #6 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 7:59am » |
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The drama begins.
Again
Semi annual
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PollyPocket
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #7 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 8:10am » |
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Dave, you've been in my, and many others' thoughts for months.
I don't know what to say to you now other than to let you know you haven't, and will not, leave my prayers. Praying for peace to you.
With much love and comfort,
Jen
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Dave_Emond
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #8 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 8:16am » |
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Did I hear something? ... naw must have been the trash collector.
Anyway, thanks Woobie, Jen and Cyn, appreciate the thoughts. I'll share with you a bit of what I copied from a message I sent to Mike:
Not sure how I can answer your questions, I don't even believe in suicide ... if I did, I'd have been long gone by now. Guess I'm at the point of do I want to lie in wait in some hospital where they can keep me alive longer than I'm meant to live just so they can profit off it? Do I allow this "doctor" to continue to screw up other patients? Is there one last chance I have of bringing doctors, the media and the world of even a bit of interest to CH?
Or am I just tired and angry and had enough? Your questions plaque me as well. If you can call it living, what else do I need to learn before my God steps in and gives me direction ... I've been in Hell since I was 11 years old and see no end ... but one!
Dave
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| « Last Edit: Feb 23rd, 2007, 8:18am by Dave_Emond » |
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chewy
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #9 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 8:20am » |
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Quote:| naw must have been the trash collector. |
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You got that right.
Lets play on everybodys emotions again. Like no one has enough trials and tribulations of their own.
Need attention? Join a club.
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nani
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #10 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 8:21am » |
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Dave, you need help. Not from the docs you've been seeing, but from a qualified therapist. Your suffering is not all in your head, but there's other stuff going on in there that can be helped. You have choices about how you feel emotionally...do yourself a favor and find some peace...even if you need professional help to do it.
Wishing you peace and pain free time, nani
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andrewjb
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #11 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 8:30am » |
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one things for sure dave, you"ll not know the out come if you go. no one, but no one, can see the future. pull your self out of this shit, the doc will learn in time. andrew.
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chewy
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #12 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 8:31am » |
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Quote:| Not from the docs you've been seeing, but from a qualified therapist. |
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Thank you Nani!
People that continually feed into your historiacal drama are doing nothing but enabling you to continue the drama over and over and over.
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tanner
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #13 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 8:38am » |
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Dave, you and I don't really know each other although we should. All of the people you name as friends are also friends of mine, many much more then they are aware of.
I know that my situation and yours do not compare. I have only had this shit leading me down the road to financial ruin for 22 yrs. now, and only 2 years ago did I have the injury that took away the game plan that I had developed to be able to keep working while having Chronic CH.
I am trying very hard to come up with a new plan that will keep me from doing exactly what you are talking aboutending it.
I would very much love it if you would join me in the challenge to keep going if for no other reason then to say "Fuck You Beast".
You mention Pappy and Leesa both of whom mean a lot to me and both of whom are toughing it out through their own personal hells. I draw on their strengths without them even knowing, but if I asked they would give it freely to me.
I want to repeat woobies sentiment. Do what you must to find peace, but do it without malice and pain to anyone else. The Doc you speak of (and I have had my fair share of useless spaces) may be the father or the inspiration of a child that comes along later and finds the cure to this shit. Don't cause a bad ripple effect in the universe for a moment of satisfaction.
Look at all these Angels here Dave and ask yourself are you really going to let them all down. They and I won't look down on you, but we will grieve at the passing of another soldier. If you find a way to enrich one more persons life by as little as a kind word then it is not your time to leave! Think about it my friend. I will call you brave for turning back and changing your mind.
We come from all races, places, and faiths, but we are a family none the less. Stick around big guy and help inspire others that come behind us.
Your new friend........Tim
Edited to take out the reference to street drugs which I do not condone 
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| « Last Edit: Feb 23rd, 2007, 9:06am by tanner » |
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Dave_Emond
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SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #14 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 8:56am » |
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Nani, you are right ... and I tried to go that route. I put aside my pride and hand delivered this letter to my doc:
Dear Dr. White 2/14/07
First off, I owe you an apology for my reactions during and after our last appointment. During that visit I became angry at you and even more angry over the following days. I believed that I was doing everything in my power to "heal myself" and truly thought I was. But, I've come to the realization that although I was trying, I was only trying through pride and stubbornness to do it on my own and now have to admit that I can't do it alone. Mainly because I don't know how. (Which if you knew me well, is very hard for me to admit and accept).
I do understand that the mind can influence the health of the body as you stated, to what extent, and how to deal with it, again, I do not know. I want to follow your advice, but will need yours and others help as my attempts have obviously failed. I do however seriously want as much of my life back that can be achieved. This is where I need your help in doing so. After talking with you and sharing your suggestion of "healing myself" I have talked with others wiser than myself and have received many's advice that because of my "nature" to overdo my own attempts that there are people who can help me in the correct manner. I have heard good things from people who have used the help of The Upper Arkansas Home Health or possibly Home Health Service. As I understand, they can help me rehabilitate physically through therapists and counseling. This would have to be recommended by you as my doctor. I was told Medicare would cover the fees in this case if ordered by you. I would like nothing more than to become self sufficient once again. I've shown I can't do this on my own as I thought I could, so I'm ready to take the route you suggested of healing myself ... just need physical and mental counsel to guide me.
I have not contacted either service, I'll follow your recommendations if you feel this is a step in the right direction.
Thank you for your time,
Dave
Obviously his answer was "no".
He will settle for nothing less than hospitalization, and that is in no way how I plan to go out.
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sandie99
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #15 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 9:05am » |
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Dave,
when I read your posts, they reminded me of myself and those days when I was thinking about suicide.
Don't worry, I'm not going to try to persuade you to change your mind; you are in charge of that.
I just ask you to think about the other people your decition involves for a while. It's never about just you. I hope that you're in peace with that.
Hugs & prayers,
Sanna
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andrewjb
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #16 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 9:08am » |
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go to hospital ?? there, you"ll meet other doctors that may hear you better. breath deep, keep doors open. andrew
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Gator
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #17 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 9:19am » |
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Views on whether suicide is right or not aside, I have just a quick thought for Dave and anyone else contemplating this route - "Suicide by Cop" is still suicide. Having served as a patrolman for almost 10 years, I can say it's a pretty shitty thing to do to someone who doesn't know you. Very often, cops who shoot another person, even in self defense, suffer from some serious mental depression and sometimes commit suicide themselves. If you are bound and determined to kill yourself, do it yourself. Don't put that burden on someone who doesn't deserve it.
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sandie99
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #18 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 9:25am » |
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Wise words, Gator.
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #19 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 9:32am » |
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on Feb 23rd, 2007, 8:16am, Dave_Emond wrote: Do I allow this "doctor" to continue to screw up other patients? Is there one last chance I have of bringing doctors, the media and the world of even a bit of interest to CH?
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And just what is your plan for the "doc"? Whatever your plan, if you're looking to end anything, keep it at home. In the end, whatever the "doc" did or didn't do, your body and your mind have you in the situation you are in. He created neither.
Will be sorry to hear if you've actually fulfilled your mission to end it as Iwould for anybody.
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Sean_C
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #20 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 9:56am » |
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I don't doubt Dave is suicidal folks, both friends I knew would say the same things. At some point just as it seems here, people stop to listen or just shrug it off.
Dave please get some help, tomorrow is another day. I'll pm you my number, if you can talk, I'll gladly listen.
Sean...........................
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #21 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 10:10am » |
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The thread/forum/community confuses me.
Many of you obviously 'know' this gentleman, yet 8 hours after publishing his suicide note he is still online, which implies his friends failed to alert those who must be alerted in such an instance.
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Margi
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #22 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 10:15am » |
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Dave, my thoughts are with you. Please listen to your Christian spirit right now. I really think you are re-living Job's life in a lot of ways. Think about that and remember how that turned out, ok?
I wish you nothing but peace, Dave. Please don't do the wrong thing here. You've done so many good things in your life and have helped so many less fortunate. Don't erase that by making an eternal mistake.
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #23 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 10:21am » |
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I thank all of you so much for your thoughts, I need to remind everyone that is barely has anything to do with the Chronic CH. I was able to run a successful business for a couple years while dealing with the CH. In trying to keep up here and with IM's and time running out, I can only try to find things I've already written to explain more. I think this is a copy of my last post:
------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------
It's good to hear from my friends as well!
Hope you are all doing well.
I'm somewhat skeptical myself about this Rife Machine too and don't expect it would help with CH at all. But, there have been many other problems coming up that I'd like to believe there is just as much chance some of them could possibly be healing as much as they could mean I'm on my way out soon. Some areas of concern are:
Left arm has been numb for a couple months now as well as my right hand fingers. Can still use them, no pain, just feels like they are alseep. (Broken all my glasses and some dishes when I forget how to carry things.)
Many memory losses, sometimes days or even weeks. (Have to look in my trash can to see if I'd been eating during those lapses.)
Recently went 10 days where 90% of my stool was just pure blood and would have to be on the pot at least every 20 to maybe 40 minutes. Most of that seems to be slowing down now and is only occasionally.
But, then I had another 3 and a half days of spitting up mouthfuls of blood almost constantly. I think this was coming from my throat.
Been passing out quite often without warning, seems to last anywhere from 10 minutes to hours. When I come around I'll be in a Cluster attack and takes me a while to just remember my name, where I am, etc. Wish I'd at least feel like these would give me rest feelings of sleep, but they don't.
When I do feel like I might sleep I have to tie string to my toes as both my legs very often cramp up so tight, I have to pull on the strings pretty hard to try to strech out the cramps. (That is real fun!)
There are many more problems, but can't go into because another area is just trying to write this much, I'm already sweating like mad and getting hunched over in too much pain. (Already have lost my right oblique muscles and now the left side I can feel separating as well ... about the top quarter is already peeling away.)
That post is just a minor area of what is happening to me. This "Doc" I'm seeing now was my first doctor when back in 2003 I went into massive seizures or convulsions of nerve pains that felt as if my CH was traveling throughout my body. I spent 2 years here and in Denver with top doctors and went through major tests, everyone you can think of. But, they found that my "Doc" here had screwded me up with 120mg of Prednisone with a taper off of less than a month and no ATCH or Cortisol to restart my Immune System. Bob W first told be about these neccessities, which I in turn brought to my doc here. He ignored the information, I ended up in an ambulance in major convulsions, and of course lying flat on my back for a 30 mile ride to the ER I went into a Kip 10 CH attack as well. My body gave out and I died. By a miracle, a paramedic showed up out on this mountain road and using a Nasal Trumpet they shove up through the nose to the brain, they brought me back. Truthfully, I loved wherever it was I went, only time in many years I felt no pain, no stress ... just pure bliss. Am I afraid suicide will not take me to that same place? Very, very much. But I know I'm dying, so do all the doctors. My Dad begged last year to get out of the hospital ... same symptoms so close to mine. I got them to agree to release him as they said he'd only live 3 months. He lived in Nevada, they didn't let him go home, and he died exactly 3 months later in that damn hospital. Can I be that wrong for my love of the mountains and want to pass on up there where my brother who killed himself is in the dust and now at peace?
Maybe I'm wrong to want to punish this "doc", I don't know? But if I could keep writing about him and his treatments some may understand. I've got about an hour and a half to decide that.
I'm pouring in sweat all over my keyboard now in severe pain, my muscles are starting to drop and Damn it hurts! It never ends!
Shit ... if I can't draw more strength, I guess the doc goes free unless my spot up in the mountains regains me some strength until Monday. Not likely though as I will be going without food or water and no way to get back. Only enough gas in my truck to get me close to where I'm heading and where even if they find my truck, it will be too late. I truly just wish you could understand my position.
I have little time left to
Sorry, can't type anymore
Love to All,
Dave
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Obstacles are those frightful things we see when we take our minds off our goals.
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froggy
New Board Veteran
Don't rain on my parade
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Posts: 183
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Re: SO THIS IS THE END ... MY FRIEND(s)
« Reply #24 on: Feb 23rd, 2007, 10:22am » |
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Dave,
Glad to see you've made it through the night.
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froggy
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