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Topic: my head is doing things........ (Read 253 times) |
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wildhaus
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my head is doing things........
« on: Nov 26th, 2006, 6:03am » |
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Its weekend, and I was looking forward to a nice quiet weekend at home
with Marta and the boys.
But
In the last few days my head is doing things I must say I didn’t feel since spring / summer
2005 that is when I started my “Tango” with the beast……
I had some brakes along the way, I even got to terms with my new situation…I “even” got to meet
some of you.
I had been “bothered” by the beast in a very anticipated way at times stronger, and most
of the time in a moderate tolerable way…….
… and then this…
on Thanks giving dinner a hit later that night a hit….. early morning a hit and with every hit the
level just goes up one notch …..on the scala….. and then last evening got hit in the shopping mall
had zomig, but didn’t help…. so Marta had to drive me home…. to my O2 tank…. and then at night
and early morning, I was considering a drive to the Hospital….. but then it’s a weekend, and I don’t
feel like spending the time with “Beginners” that don’t know S£$£ about CH and the needs…. and don’t
feel like explaining some “newbie” doc. (most likely with a blown ego) what I need….
and who he has to call to get the right info…….
and its not looking good at all……….. with all the “Training” I have with all the know-how I gathered
by now from all of you over the net, or first hand know-how, it’s just way over my head….. too much…
and I will be a liar if I’ll say that the “feeling” - I had it with this CH didn’t cross my mind – but I do know
better! frustrated - I am, angry – I am, feel week I do…. Scared yes I am…. and I was believing I have
the situation “under control” No I don’t,
I am not complaining nor am I venting…….. and in no way am I being a cry baby, looking for pity and
understanding……I try to put in words the way I feel…… or how I failed to be ready the right way…….
If there is a right way
Thinking about it yes I do complain, and yes I do vent, but what the hack!
If it goes on like this….. I will have to get help…… that is go to the hospital…… the thought does not
appeal to me….. even though I know they can help some what…. I will delay it….. I never said
I am not silly….. but then I have Marta (my wife) she will see to it that I do the right thing………..
Oh after Marta read this post (before posting – so she can fix some of my super spelling) she said it
seems like I forget what happened not so long ago….. hits I rather forget or sort of suppress…..
Did I go on long enough…… more then that, to long….. do I feel better…….. No I don’t,
but, yes, tomorrow is another new day……….
Michael
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George_J
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Re: my head is doing things........
« Reply #1 on: Nov 26th, 2006, 9:47am » |
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Michael, there are times when this damned stuff will go completely bad, and will do things that you have never seen it do before. Or perhaps it's that our reactions to it are off in some way, and we suffer more because of it. I don't know.
There were times, especially early on, when I had experiences with it that were completely over the edge--completely out of control. I am a very controlled person, as I suspect you are, and that loss of control upset me as much as anything else I was going through at the time. It was as if I was no longer myself for a time--and that was alarming.
You're skirting the edge between the line--and it is a line--between what is a kip 9 and a kip 10. I'm convinced what defines that line is panic. It's our reaction to intolerable pain, not the pain itself that drives us to that cliff-edge where we hurt ourselves, where we end up in the emergency room, where we find ourselves so filled with despair and fear that we nearly give in to pain. This miserable CH can push us beyond what ordinary people ever experience--there is nothing in an ordinary person's experience that can prepare them for it. The only thing that makes a difference is YOUR OWN experience--the knowledge that you have endured many, many others that were just as bad as the one you are experiencing now, or worse. And that you survived them.
I know it's a frail thing, and not easily defined. There is no way you can effectively communicate the perspective that experience gives to anyone else--not even another clusterhead. Every single day, I see the people here who are new to CH, and I wish there were some way that I could pass along the most valuable thing I've learned in forty years of this, some way I could communicate it directly to their minds--that there is an upper limit to what we endure. A point beyond which it does not go. And that upper limit is within our strength to endure--there is no need to submit to panic and fear. Panic and fear makes a bad thing even worse. This pain can go so far, and no farther. And then it will end.
I don't know if any of this will be of any help. Some people will probably disagree with me--but I think you'll find that most of the old-timers might agree. After a time, you don't panic quite so badly--you've seen it before. Your experience with an attack becomes less traumatic.
I wish every day there were some way I could bottle experience and give it to others. It's as valuable as any medication or treatment. But I cannot. All I can do is tell, and hope that it can help, at least a little.
Hang in there.
Best wishes,
George
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Ah! The foreigners put on such airs
Wearing the tangerine suits
And their harlequin eyes.
The pain they inspire
Draws in harmonica melodies
And the feathers of birds
Which flame up at their touch.
It all comes to light in the sheer
Debonair.
(Ellen)
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kcopelin
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good grief
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Re: my head is doing things........
« Reply #2 on: Nov 26th, 2006, 10:17am » |
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Michael,
((hugs))) and prayers for you. Each of us has a limit-just like George so eloquently put it, and each time we survive to fight another day is a victory. Count those my friend, and post away! That's what we are here for-
If you decide to go to hospital, do you have alot of CH information printed up? The Kip scale, a headache journal, list of meds that have or have not worked, and some idea of what you want them to try. Go in armed, with your wonderful wife as an advocate, and tell them what you need.
Hang in ther Michael, your CH family is here.
Prayers for PFDAN for ya,
kathy
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Words count, chose carefully.
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Jonny
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Give me a shovel Ill dig my own grave!
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Re: my head is doing things........
« Reply #3 on: Nov 26th, 2006, 12:29pm » |
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Hang in there, Bro!
We are all in this together and will always be here for you!!
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| « Last Edit: Nov 26th, 2006, 12:29pm by Jonny » |
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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Charlie
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Happy to be here
    
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Re: my head is doing things........
« Reply #4 on: Nov 26th, 2006, 4:20pm » |
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Sounds not fun.
Sorry you're in such a mess but keep ranting. I wish I had a place like this when I was getting hit. At least we know the story. 
Keep after him Michael.
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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Callico
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Proud Dad of a US Marine!
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Re: my head is doing things........
« Reply #5 on: Nov 26th, 2006, 8:30pm » |
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Dittos to George. He said it much more clearly and succinctly than I know how, and summed up for me the reason I don't go to bed until I know they are over for the night. I know that if I awaken with one I don't have the time to catch upto it and handle the pain without losing control.
Kathy has it right on the ER. Take your info in with you and tell them what you need. Having your wife with you to speak for you is priceless.
Praying for you.
Jerry
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"When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him; He turns on the right I cannot see Him. But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me I shall come forth as gold." Job23:9,10
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