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Topic: In need of a laugh? (Read 305 times) |
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Tiannia
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In need of a laugh?
« on: Nov 9th, 2006, 2:04pm » |
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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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Tiannia
New Board Hall of Famer
Life does not apologies......
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #1 on: Nov 9th, 2006, 2:09pm » |
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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
The nun answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you've had a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find "offensive."
"Well, It's always been a fantasy of mine to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver very excitedly responds, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK," replies the nun. "Pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess--I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK--my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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Tiannia
New Board Hall of Famer
Life does not apologies......
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #2 on: Nov 9th, 2006, 2:10pm » |
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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Senior Officer: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Senior Officer: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL OF THE STORY= DON'T MESS WITH LITTLE OLD LADIES
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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Tiannia
New Board Hall of Famer
Life does not apologies......
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #3 on: Nov 9th, 2006, 2:12pm » |
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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Tiannia
New Board Hall of Famer
Life does not apologies......
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #4 on: Nov 9th, 2006, 2:17pm » |
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A young man shopping in a supermarket
noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout,
turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store,?
it would make me feel good."
She then went through the checkout,
and as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled
back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
into someone's day, he went to pay for his
groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ...
I only bought 5? items.."
The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying hers, too."
Moral:? Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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Tiannia
New Board Hall of Famer
Life does not apologies......
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Posts: 3241
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #5 on: Nov 9th, 2006, 2:17pm » |
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There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said. "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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Tiannia
New Board Hall of Famer
Life does not apologies......
Gender:
Posts: 3241
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #6 on: Nov 9th, 2006, 2:19pm » |
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Four little old ladies were gathered in the tea room of a friend chatting and sipping tea. When the conversation turned to the size of a mans feet being directly related to the size of his "gifts"
One of the ladies, after the afternoon tea session ended began wondering if it in fact was true, she decided to find out for herself.
The next morning she rose from bed and left the house in search of a man with incredibly large feet. About time for dinner she happend across a young man sitting on a park bench with two of the biggest feet she had ever seen. Not taking any chances of losing this find she quickly approached him, took him back to her house and had her vile way with him.
After the deed was done, she quickly got out of bed, walked over to her hand back and took out two crisp $100 bills and handed them to the young man.
In shock he asked her "Was it that good?"
To which she replied "No, no go buy some shoes that fit your damn feet!"
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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roy21302
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #7 on: Nov 9th, 2006, 2:55pm » |
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Thanks for the laughs  Cheers Roy 
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Gator
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #8 on: Nov 10th, 2006, 4:41am » |
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ROFLMAO Thanks Tia!!!
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Jonny
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #9 on: Nov 11th, 2006, 5:32pm » |
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If you need a laugh.....continued 
Why is it that we laugh when people get hurt.....LMAO
http://www.consumptionjunction.com/downloadsnew/cj_62734.wmv
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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kcopelin
CH.com Alumnus
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good grief
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #10 on: Nov 11th, 2006, 5:43pm » |
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Tia,
You brought the first smile of the day to my face. Thank you so much. Lightening the hearts of others is a blessing and a gift.
What's an agnostic dsylectic insomniac?
A guy who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
PFDAN y'all,
kathy
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Words count, chose carefully.
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Tiannia
New Board Hall of Famer
Life does not apologies......
Gender:
Posts: 3241
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #11 on: Nov 12th, 2006, 12:14pm » |
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Good to have you back Kathy. Glad that I was able to bring a smile to your face.
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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers
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Shaz
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I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #12 on: Nov 13th, 2006, 11:04am » |
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Some great ones there Tia.
Thanks for brightening the day.
Shaz 
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Bill_G.
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I'm ready to fight the monster
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #13 on: Nov 13th, 2006, 11:02pm » |
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Finally able to laugh for the first time today........
Thanks
Bill
  
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stacy3675
New Board Newbie
Hey! Everybody
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Re: In need of a laugh?
« Reply #14 on: Nov 13th, 2006, 11:37pm » |
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awesome!
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StAcY SpRiNg
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