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Jasmyn
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CH and Suicide
« on: Oct 9th, 2006, 3:46am » |
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Yes, I said the dreaded word, the word with the stigma, the word all of us wants to avoid… SUICIDE!
Whom of us suffering from Cluster Headaches has not stood in front of this door?
Good for you if you haven’t and I hope that you never do. I have, not once but too many times. I open myself here so that you can crucify me, tell me to keep my opinions to myself, not to be so weak, not to hang my dirty laundry out in the open, not to bring others down but I am going to voice this even if I get alienated from my fellow sufferers.
The pain of CH is but one part when considering the final option.
You all know that it is the sum of the whole that eventually brings so much desperation that life itself seems to be worthless.
First it is the pain, it is excruciating and we work hard to get through it. With this pain comes the exhaustion from sleepless nights and the battle. The body and mind cannot handle these repeated assaults. Depression sets in; our life seems to fall apart. The humiliation of losing control: over the pain, the state we are in, our irritability, our cognitive and motor skills, the impact on our loved ones, on our careers, our guilt, our bodies and our lives.
It is easy when you had a break from constant hits, to forget the emotional state, the desperation and the depression you experienced. The women here will relate with me. It is like giving birth. At that moment, the pain is bad, you get exhausted, your emotions run high but when you look back it is very easy to forget the intensity until you are faced with that moment in childbirth again.
Support is very important, to get it from family, friends, doctors and fellow sufferers. This is the stuff that pulls us through but not always…
We also need HOPE!
HOPE to know that someone is searching for an answer to end this condition, to make it more bearable, to allow us to eventually live a normal life. That the medical profession stand behind us, support us and want to help. We need HOPE that this fight is not going to last for the rest of our lives, that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel.
I only suffer from CH but there is no specific medication on the market that has been developed for this condition exclusively. I take over dosages of medications prescribed and designed for other conditions that I will most probably suffer from eventually if I keep on using these drugs. These medications in the end may just as well cost me my life or my quality of life with the damage they inflict in the long term.
I run out of choices… I battle… I fear…
Will I be strong enough the next time to pull myself together once again and survive?
I can ignore the fear, sound strong and tuff and tell you that I will but I honestly don’t know because I know how alluring it is at that specific moment to just give up and give in.
In that moment I ask and say to myself:
Why carry on? Where is the hope? I’m losing myself, my self respect, my family. I am a burden to them and society. I am tired. Is this all worth it? When will this end? Who really cares?
When life starts to resemble some normalcy once more, I see things differently but I know where I’ve been, how close I came.
I cannot pretend that this is not part of this condition, that it will just go away, that I will handle it better the next time. I always try, I need to try, I have to try.
How many more people must lose hope and end their lives before things change?
This must STOP! If there is HOPE out there WE must find it!
My heartfelt condolences to Lee’s family.
In loving memory of all our fellow CHer’s that passed on.
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Jazz 
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Jonny
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #1 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 4:24am » |
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I never gave suicide a single thought, but I guess thats just me.
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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bothofus
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #2 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 4:58am » |
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I remember and will probably never forget the overwhelming intense pain caused by clusters when the only relief was a trip to the ER for a shot of imi. Nothing compared to this pain. Just wait it out, pounded my head against the wall, wringing of hands, crying, total exhaustion, fear of the next one...........................
I remember when the doc said it was possible to get a script for the shots.
WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally some sanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Emotions do run rampant and clear thinking was just another thought, no the only right thought.
Life is beautiful, but can become overwhelming at times to the point of irrational thinking.
Carl
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purpleydog
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #3 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 5:10am » |
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Excellent post, Jas.
With the exception of Jonny, I ask any sufferer here, who has not given this option a thought at least once? We all know how and where the beast takes us. We get hammered over and over and over again. It affects every aspect of our lives.
Hope IS needed in our lives. Hope that a treatment that may work is around the corner. Hope that we won't have to suffer needlessly.
One thing that gives me hope is hearing when a treatment works for someone here, and they have been painfree for a week. For two weeks. That they have broken their own record for painfree days. That maybe that will work for me. Or that it will work for my friends here who have it worse than me. Or that is HAS worked for my friends who have it worse than me. THAT gives me Hope!
Do you realize how strong you really are? Whether you are episodic or chronic, getting hit and doing everything you can to fight it. And still getting up afterwards to carry on with your lives. It takes a lot of strength to do that. We do what we must. I don't know anyone else who would be able to deal with this situation who isn't a clusterhead. I'm sure our supporters would agree.
We must continue to fight. And don't give up. You never know, today could be the day that something works. And today could be the day that it works for someone else. Which means another one of us has become painfree. That is a great thing.
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Dape
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #4 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 5:24am » |
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Well i do appologise for even bothering to post
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| « Last Edit: Oct 9th, 2006, 7:34am by Dape » |
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The mad viking
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #5 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 5:33am » |
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As many of you know i do have 2 halfhearted suicideattempt behind me.The last back in 2001.
I would say that nobody here has the right to call me a chicken or look down on me bc of that
We all Jonny or no Jonny can take that much pain and thats it.
With that i also mean that depression is also pain
However i do think we all me included are telling ourself and others that the suicideword is taboo
That word as all the other elements of ch should be there out in the open
After all the help and support and friendship both me and Bente have recieved from the docs in Norway and our family here in Clusterville i have as a payback dedicated my life to try ,at least try help other sufferers
that not have reach that line yet,locally with Norges Migreneforbund and internationally trough OUCH and Clusterville .
In order to acheive some reqognition "who believe us today"and help from what we are suffering from we need and i mean NEED to be 100% OPEN about every aspect of what we are suffering from.
First then we can start try get the peps out there understand this horrible illness called clusterheadaches
Just my 2 cent worth
Btw Jasmyn
Thanks for well written thoughts.
Im NOT trying to hijack your thread but rather filling in my thoughts of the same subject
*HUGS*
Svenn
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Jonny
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #6 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 5:37am » |
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Oh great, now we have a forum for the suicide pity party.
Deal with what you have and get the fuck over this bullshit!!!!
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It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
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BarbaraD
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #7 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 5:42am » |
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Jasymn that was written beautifuly and so true of most of us. Yes, we think about suicide and we have a "plan".
Support is so important and this board gives a lot of it.
Hope is something we all have, but get weary at times of there ever being anything to help us.
Maybe someday there will be a cause and cure for this beast and we won't have to watch one of our own take his/her life ever again.
Hugs BD
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sandie99
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #8 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 6:39am » |
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Jasmyn, wonderful post! 
Personally I think that it's important to deal with this.
I haven't met anyone who knows even a bit about ch who would call ch sufferer a chicken because they have thought about suicide. When I tell people about ch, I always mention that it's also called "a sucicide headache".
I have thought about suicide and I was very close opening that door in Spring 2004. Since then I have wondered what it was that made me close that door without trying? It sure was not being PF; it sure was not medications, because I had to live without any for a while.
My answer? Hope, faith and support from the people right here.
Naturally, it is difficult to tell when a clusterbrother or clustersister is having such a hard time that they're close to that edge. I'm sure that some are hiding that because of depression or shame or for some other season. I bet that if I had done in 2004, my flatmate and landlady would have said that they thought that I was fine "but had horrible headaches".
I know that I am hell of a lot stronger than I was back in 2004. But nobody knows about the future. That's why I walk around with a tiny note, which says who to contact if something happends. And that's why there's a note in my will that someone must inform everyone here at clusterheadaches.com that I'm not around anymore.
I hope and pray that we could prevent others from taking their lives. I'm not sure how, though. We're not all like you, Jonny.
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BB
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #9 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 6:57am » |
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BEFORE ANYONE ACTUALLY THINKS SERIOUSLY OF TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT ..
PLEASE THINK OF THE PAIN IT WILL CAUSE THE FAMILY, AND THAT MEANS THE SPOUSE, THE CHILDREN AND FRIENDS, TO SUFFER ...
TO END ONE SUFFERING BUT STARTING SEVERAL OTHERS ...
IS IT WORTH IT ?
Annette
( And yes I had been through bad enough times myself to have overdosed once, ended up in hospital getting my stomach pumped. These days no matter how hard, how bad things are, I will NEVER do that to my husband and children )
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Brew
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #10 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 7:00am » |
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on Oct 9th, 2006, 5:10am, purpleydog wrote:| With the exception of Jonny, I ask any sufferer here, who has not given this option a thought at least once? |
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Since the news of Lee's passing, it almost seems like I should feel guilty to admit this, but I've never considered it to be an option. So mark me down as #2.
Just being honest. And feeling fortunate.
Bill
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purpleydog
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #11 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 7:02am » |
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on Oct 9th, 2006, 6:57am, BB wrote:
BEFORE ANYONE ACTUALLY THINKS SERIOUSLY OF TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT ..
PLEASE THINK OF THE PAIN IT WILL CAUSE THE FAMILY, AND THAT MEANS THE SPOUSE, THE CHILDREN AND FRIENDS, TO SUFFER ...
TO END ONE SUFFERING BUT STARTING SEVERAL OTHERS ...
IS IT WORTH IT ?
Annette
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I don't think Jas was encouraging anyone to take this option, merely bringing up a fact of having CH. They are called the suicide headache. Thoughts of this are a fact of life for most of us. It doesn't mean anyone will act on it.
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cateyes
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #12 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 7:13am » |
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Sorry all I am with Jonny...I have never even thought about it for a second...But maybe that is because when I was little, living with the beast I had my (don`t ya`ll laugh cause I really do call him this ) Daddy...He has always been theer for me and walked the floors carring me till my feet actually hung on the ground when he tried...And as I got older...He is still there when he can be...But I have 3 kids that I would never do that too...I wanna stick around and torture them in my old age...
But I was fortunate to have a family that made sure I knew they were there for me when the beast was kicking my ass...
And then again...Maybe I havent felt the pain the rest have felt when they think about it..or attempt it..
I do feel bad for the families that have dealt with it thru the years and my prayers are sent out to each and eveyone ...
Good vibed to all..
Cateyes
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BB
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #13 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 7:14am » |
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Yes, indeed.
And as a doctor and a supporter, I need to say something to discourage people from even contemplating it.
A public forum discussing sensitive topics such as this at a high time when many people are emotional might lead to negative result.
I took an oath : first do no harm, so I will try my best to prevent harm in any shape or form.
Not trying to belittle or upset anyone, just trying to do my job : save lives.
Annette
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chewy
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The incidence is so low as to not merit the attention.
Have I wished I were dead? Yes.
Contemplated suicide? No.
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the_old_man
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #15 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 7:38am » |
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I guess I'm with Jonny and the others. After 30 years of battling the beast without meds, and knowing all that my family has gone thru to support me, there is NO way I could ever put them thru that. That has NEVER been an option for me.
The Old Man
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burnt-toast
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #16 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 7:50am » |
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I must say that I've never considered suicide as my way out.
However, during extremely brutal attacks I've frequently said to my wife that I fully understand how given the wrong circumstances, someone can be driven over the edge by this disorder.
Many bumps in life's road can push even the strongest to their limits. Add in the drugs we take, sleep deprivation, physical/mental exhaustion and repetitive/severe pain and the potential for tradgedy increases.
I'm with Jazz on this, I don't think we can hide from this potential. Being ashamed of, and internalizing thoughts of suicide can lead to tradgedy.
Anyone who has, is, or does contemplate suicide should get these thoughts out into the open with those that we love, those that will understand, and immediately seek professional help. If you need help and support getting through it, please don't be afraid to ask.
Tom
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Redd
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #17 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 8:43am » |
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I hate to argue semantics here, but in support of Jaz, I feel I must.
Consider:
Quote:To think carefully about.
To think or deem to be; regard as. See Usage Note at as1.
To form an opinion about; judge: considers waste to be criminal.
To take into account; bear in mind: Her success is not surprising if you consider her excellent training.
To show consideration for: failed to consider the feelings of others.
To esteem; regard.
To look at thoughtfully.
v.intr.
To think carefully; reflect: Give me time to consider.
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Because we ponder, or contemplate an isssue, does not equate to acceptance or attempting the act. It's only that we've carefully and thoughfully reflected upon the issue. How can one come to the conclusion that it is NOT an option if they have not thoughtfully pondered it?
I have thought about it. Carefully pondered the issue, more than once over the years. Only because I've considered it, have been able to conclude that I do not find it a viable option. I made the consious choice to not allow my children to find me that way.
My father committed suicide when I was 14. My own healing involved education into the process of such an act. Gator was dead on.
This is a very real presipus for many people. Most walk the other way, and fight the fight. For the others, however, the fear of the next attack, on top of everything else going on, can be that final straw.
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Sean_C
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Jas that was an beautiful post that came from the heart, I loved it. You can hang your dirty laundry out here any time you want too
I think some of you folks mis-read her intent in the post, she opened he heart to all, she said it like it is, and she's right. I couldn't agree with her more, we do need to talk about it, its a fact of life, we should have a life line when we are in desparate need of inspiration.
Thank you all for posting your true feelings, you are definately NOT alone 
Sean........................................
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chewy
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Quote:we should have a life line when we are in desparate need of inspiration.
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Your already on it.
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Charlotte
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #20 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 9:00am » |
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I have a strong survival urge.
I'm sad when someone does take this option. It is not common. I have a big family and we've had 3: 2 were in their 80's, one in his 20's. I think depression was the main culprit.
This is the 1st I've heard of here. with this many people, it it were as common as the name suggests, we would have had more.
Charlotte
ps and yes, I also consider this site a lifeline. I came here because I needed a lifeline and I want to be here as part of a continued lifeline.
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| « Last Edit: Oct 9th, 2006, 9:03am by Charlotte » |
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Sean_C
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on Oct 9th, 2006, 8:58am, chewy wrote:
Are you gonna save me at 2am? I could call you now and you wouldn't pick up the phone you nut LMAO 
OUCH UK had a life line, not sure if they still do, you'd call a number and people would be paged, not sure how well it worked, maybe Helen can find out for us.
Sean.............................................
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maffumatt
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After a month or two of no or little sleep, the brain isn't right, add pain and fear to the equation, and you have trouble. I've thought about it once or twice, then thought about the pain and suffering it will cause others. I would rather deal with my pain than have others deal with pain I caused.
Matt
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Charlotte
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #23 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 9:05am » |
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a lifeline is not the same as a hotline, but I do think someone is here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and there are people you can call. When I was new, I saw posts about the buddy system.
And no one else can "save" you. I'm sorry, but we are all on our own in that respect.
Charlotte
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| « Last Edit: Oct 9th, 2006, 9:06am by Charlotte » |
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seasonalboomer
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Re: CH and Suicide
« Reply #24 on: Oct 9th, 2006, 9:06am » |
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I get the need to discuss it. I understand that even if you haven't contemplated it, many of us have thought that if this is the way it's going to be, then god should go ahead and just pop a vessel up there and take me the rest of the way.
But, a forum of this type has its limitations by virtue of it being what it is. For example, a couple weeks ago someone came on to share that Meth is the only tool they found that works for them for CH. Even if it were so, the idea of someone coming on this forum to recommend what is essentially suicide itself as a treatment I was disgusted.
The anguish is there for those of you that suffer far worse than I, I understand that. But, as close to being family as we presuppose we are, I'm just not all that certain of the benefit of the suicide contemplation in the public forum. Jaz, I love your writing - you are one of the most thoughtful writers on this forum. My response is really trying to push for consideration among us all as to what is the basis for the forum and where do we take it on a daily basis. And for its most frequent participants and contributors do we indeed set a tone and underlying objective as a support unit. And if so, what the limits of that support.
Getting a bit over-philosophical I guess. But, as much as I appreciate Jaz's thoughtfulness I also totally get Jonny's posts here on this thread and probably embrace that as closer to my heart's reaction here.
Scott
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| « Last Edit: Oct 9th, 2006, 9:08am by seasonalboomer » |
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