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Topic: Characteristics of the beast? (Read 328 times) |
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Charlotte
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Characteristics of the beast?
« on: Oct 1st, 2006, 11:38am » |
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Does your beast have definite characteristics, gender, etc.
Mine feels like a shape similar to a smaller female mountain lion who likes to play with her food (or pet). She takes a crunchy bite, slobbers on me a little, smacks me loose while she does something else, then comes back to play with me again.
In between bites, I don't mind being her pet, but does she have to slobber so much. I don't mind so much when she wants to lope around at my side but i hate it when she settles down and then baps me around like a mouse, takes a nip, flips me up into the air & baps again, until she gets bored and loses interest
My beast must really like me to keep me around for so long.
Charlotte
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Fredmyyster
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #1 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 12:37pm » |
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The pain i feel is like someone taking a red hot piece of steel trying to wrench my left eyeball out from the inside out....
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Charlotte
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #2 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 12:41pm » |
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so, freddo, then it is not quite like a separate living intity so much as an action occurring?
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Brew
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #3 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 12:48pm » |
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In 16 years of fighting this SOB, I have never spent one minute trying to ascribe animalistic (or other) characteristics to it. I can think only about the physiology of the syndrome and how best to fight it (since I haven't been able to kill it yet).
You are, however, quite the poetic soul, Charlotte. I'm an engineer and a musician - and I guess that's how I think.
Bill
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jon019
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #4 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 1:37pm » |
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Hi Charlotte,
I have never quite ascribed animalistic attributes to the beast. However, he/she/it does "seem" to be a being of some kind. No other injury or medical condition I have experienced has ever been like this!
With all the others, treatment has resolved, ameliorated,
or even failed, BUT, this one is so different. No matter what i do, even if it has worked before, the next time it
is like starting all over. Like this entity has the ability to morph into what can cause the most anguish. Time after time I think it is tamed and "nope, I'm BAAAACK!.
Perhaps is the most depressing aspect. Seems personal, seems vicious, vindictive, vile, and goddammit, ALIVE. Yes, this is different...
Regards
Jon
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Charlotte
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #5 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 1:41pm » |
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If you were to ascribe a form or characteristics to this beast, what might they be?
It does seem alive, and it seems like it always does change, doesn't it?
Charlotte
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Fredmyyster
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #6 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 2:23pm » |
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I dont know bout all that beast stuff, its just extreme pain i deal with every 3 to 4 years.. and it Sucketh !
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jon019
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #7 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 2:51pm » |
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It's evil, Charlotte. I know no other way to describe.
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ivanov
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #8 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 4:36pm » |
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Carl_D
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #9 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 5:35pm » |
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The 'Beast' as I envision him...
He has many small talons, and his fists are razor sharp and red hot, glowing. He has a very evil laugh that could swear I've heard during a Kip 10, and his breath is a force of wind to be reckoned with. He will just breath onto my face and I feel the pressure linger in my temple and eye as he waits in the shadow. He is a masochist, and takes great pleasure in my pain. In fact, his whole goal is to make me scream, beg for death and... even reach for the end myself. He waits for the most inopportune times, and it feeds his ego to see me humiliated in front of others. I am his favorite toy and when the games begin...
He starts stroking my cheek with his talons, whipping them against my temple and eyeball. Then he begins to bring them all into play: one tries to enter at the base of the skull, in my ear and he shoves one into my nostril to plug it up.
He is just getting warmed up.
As the misery begins to show, he decides "We are gonna rock and roll and stain your soul, boy. I want to hear you scream! It is music to my ears!"
He shoves one burning razor-fist into my eye and one into my temple. "Can you feel the frantic tick tock yet? Here, let me get a good grip so I can lift you up." He reaches deep between my eye and temple until his hands join together. Kip 7.... Kip 8....
Suddenly, he lifts me up with his arms and stands about 30 feet tall. His arms become like a bunjee cord...like rubber. As he holds tight, I am in Kip 10 with the beast lifting me by his burning fists inside my head. I shake and lose control. When he is done with me for the moment and looks for his other toys to play with he lets go and I drop to the floor a mess.... exhausted. I have just fought with a beast I cannot see, but still feel the numb tingling sensation of shock all over my head, face, chest and arms that feels like a heavy warm oil poured over me. In that moment I am most thankful, for I survived another battle with the unseen force.
The boogeyman is real, and he found us!
Peace,
Carl D
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George_J
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #10 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 11:10pm » |
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on Oct 1st, 2006, 1:37pm, jon019 wrote:
Perhaps is the most depressing aspect. Seems personal, seems vicious, vindictive, vile, and goddammit, ALIVE. Yes, this is different...
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I've often thought it was interesting that so many of us personify "the beast" in some way. Perhaps it's the sense of vindictiveness and deliberate maliciousness that seems to come with it, or the feeling that it's somehow an attack from "outside" rather than from "within". Or maybe it's the fact that there is nothing (or very little) that one can do to stop or even blunt a hit without medications. It's as if CH is something outside our consciousness, that bears no relationship to anything that can be pinned down or controlled. An assault, if you choose. That's one of the strangest aspects of CH, to me.
I realize that this aspect is only a perception, of course, and that no "entity"--no demon--is actually attacking me. But it certainly feels like it sometimes.
Very odd. So yes--I've personified my nasty companion from time to time. Before I came to this place, I named it "The Black Dog"--a harbinger of death in Celtic mythology. Not some winsome pooch, dammit, but old red-eyed, shaggy Death, come snarling, from dreams.
Best,
George
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Ah! The foreigners put on such airs
Wearing the tangerine suits
And their harlequin eyes.
The pain they inspire
Draws in harmonica melodies
And the feathers of birds
Which flame up at their touch.
It all comes to light in the sheer
Debonair.
(Ellen)
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Charlotte
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #11 on: Oct 1st, 2006, 11:21pm » |
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I used to separate myself from my physical self, and think, "It's only physical", and set myself apart from the pain. That meant I was absent during a large portion of my life.
Now, since August, I am trying to think of this as something separate from me. I am still here, and it is near me but not of me. It sometimes is almost a companion, during the good hour, then during the bad hour-it is rather feline in the way it knocks me around, and it is rather like a painful version of a rollercoaster ride at an amusement park.
I have been able to be present when I formerly would have been absent, by setting the headache wave or cycle or tornado of pain or beast apart from myself. It is a major accomplishment for me. I don't know if this will ever end so I'm trying to integrate what's left of my life and make the most of it. You guys have helped me doing that.
Charlotte
ps when I'm getting hit, I scare the crap out of my poor cat.
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| « Last Edit: Oct 2nd, 2006, 12:14am by Charlotte » |
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jon019
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #12 on: Oct 2nd, 2006, 10:45pm » |
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Wow, Carl and George you have come from completely different angles to describe "our little friend". Both have me floored. Well said gentlemen.
And Charlotte,
quote:
I have been able to be present when I formerly would have been absent, by setting the headache wave or cycle or tornado of pain or beast apart from myself. It is a major accomplishment for me. I don't know if this will ever end so I'm trying to integrate what's left of my life and make the most of it.
unquote
If I try real hard, concentrate like I never can otherwise,
I can sometimes, only rarely, have an effect. I admire your perserverance and guts. You go girl!!!
Regards
Jon
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unsolved1
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #13 on: Oct 3rd, 2006, 12:07am » |
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My beast must be wearing one of those Freddy Kreuger gloves and he just loves to stick his sharp knives into my eye and twist, pull & push 
UNsolved
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George_J
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #14 on: Oct 3rd, 2006, 12:28am » |
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on Oct 1st, 2006, 11:21pm, Charlotte wrote:
ps when I'm getting hit, I scare the crap out of my poor cat. |
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You know, when I get hit, I don't usually make much noise, but the cats just disappear. Whatever's going on, they don't like it.
Cats don't like anything weird. When I get nailed, I must look or sound or--perhaps (?)--smell weird.
Hmm. Never thought of the "smell" thing before, but it wouldn't surprise me. After all, the body chemistry gets thrown all out of whack during a hit, and I'm wrought up, and I sweat.
Interesting to speculate about, anyway.
Best,
George
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Ah! The foreigners put on such airs
Wearing the tangerine suits
And their harlequin eyes.
The pain they inspire
Draws in harmonica melodies
And the feathers of birds
Which flame up at their touch.
It all comes to light in the sheer
Debonair.
(Ellen)
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LeLimey
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OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
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Re: Characteristics of the beast?
« Reply #15 on: Oct 3rd, 2006, 6:20am » |
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Jasper calls the beast the custard monster. He used to call my headaches custard headaches as that was his interpretation of it. To him the custard monster is tiny, invisible and thats how he gets into Jaspers mouth when he is eating and up into his brain. He then grows (just like on Scooby Doo, in fact I'm sure Scooby Doo is where Jasper got his idea of this monster from) By using his magic mask he blows him out of his nose (Jaspers) and makes him tiny again.
When he draws him (and it is a "him" to Jasper) he draws a big yellow blob with either green or red eyes.
For me, the beast is the beast of one of my topiramate delusions. When I think of it thats how I visualise it, based on this. I had a dream while I was awake, thats the only way I can describe it, topiramte did some screwy stuff to me.. but anyway, I was in a foggy Victorian street, like on a Sherlock Holmes film or a Jack the Ripper film. It was swirly mist with dim yellowish light showing through it and the air was cold and damp. In front of me there was a figure in a tweedy type coat but it wasn't tweed. I don't know what the material was. I knew it was the beast and I knew if I could get to him and turn him around and look into his face he would have no more power over me and I wouldn't ever have another hit. I started after him but the closer I got the worse the pain was until I was on my knees and crawling andI was losing him. I was right behind him and I reached out and touched the edge of his jacket before he disappeared into the mist.
I "woke" up in a raging hit and couldn't even work out how to get onto the o2. It was horrific and I was totally freaked to boot by my experience. For several weeks I touched every bit of material I could to see if I could find the same feel.. because then I'd know what I was looking for and I was obsessed by it. I was having to stop myself from touching complete strangers to feel their clothes! Thats one of the reasons I hate topomax so much but my vision of the beast is as above, a taunting, relentless figure who makes fun of our pain and misery and tries his damndest to prolong it and to lower our spirits too. My beast is a bully and I hate bullies. I'll fight him for myself and for others with every breath in me.
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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