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Topic: How many can I offend at one time? (Read 1348 times) |
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chewy
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How many can I offend at one time?
« on: Sep 21st, 2006, 12:00pm » |
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HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS…
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better. The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."
God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They're free."
"We'll take 10."
There, that ought to offend just about everybody.
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echo
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #1 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 12:02pm » |
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This Scottish Englishman is so upset that I have to take the rest of the day as a sick day and go home and fume.
Thanks for the afternoon off chewy 
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"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it".
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Ghost
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #2 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 12:11pm » |
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For some reason I feel I should be offended but I just am not affected at all!
Sorry to dissapoint.
Mike
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Jimi
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #3 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 12:14pm » |
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Well...since I am not Arabic, Black, Mexican, from France or Jewish, I am not offended by the post. I AM offended however that you had nothing to say about Kentucky Hillbillies. We ain't good anough to even get an honorable mention?
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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chewy
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #4 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 12:21pm » |
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Quote:| I AM offended however that you had nothing to say about Kentucky Hillbillies. |
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Sorry Bud. I'll try and work something in for ya. LOL
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George_J
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #5 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 12:22pm » |
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Hate to tell you this, Don. It's an equal-opportunity joke.
I don't know if you want to hear this, but it's therefore politically correct.
If you add handicapped access, it could even be eligible for federal funding.
George
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Ah! The foreigners put on such airs
Wearing the tangerine suits
And their harlequin eyes.
The pain they inspire
Draws in harmonica melodies
And the feathers of birds
Which flame up at their touch.
It all comes to light in the sheer
Debonair.
(Ellen)
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chewy
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #6 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 12:29pm » |
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Quote:| If you add handicapped access, it could even be eligible for federal funding. |
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ROFLMMFAO!
Your right ! LMAO.
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JeffB
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #7 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 12:42pm » |
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As a black mexican arab I'm just blown away....think I'll go to temple to pray for you after I get back from mecca.
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" It's been my experience that people who have no vices have very little virtues."
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Batch
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #8 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 12:53pm » |
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The following story about Cowboys & Indians might be worth a grin...
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East to learn how to fly airliners.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The radical Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin."
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Bob P
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #9 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 1:09pm » |
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Quote:| nothing to say about Kentucky Hillbillies. We ain't good anough to even get an honorable mention? |
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Just ain't right to use "Kentucky Hillbillies" and "honorable" in the same post!
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Mrs. Barlow, I never, and I repeat never, ever pissed in your steam iron.
"SHUT UP HUB!"
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rickyshot
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #10 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 1:19pm » |
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ROTLMAO.
OK you have managed to offend everyone in my Jewish, Black, American Indian, and french speaking family. HAHAHAHA
I 'll get you Don my little pretty and your little dog too........
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JeffB
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #11 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 1:31pm » |
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That's right .......you forgot about our beer swilling friends in the north! Friggin hoze heads, eh.
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" It's been my experience that people who have no vices have very little virtues."
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Margi
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #12 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 1:33pm » |
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Careful, Jeff - Ricky's an American living in Canada.
Oh and it's not 'hoze hounds'. It's 'hoser', thank you very much. 
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And, on the Eighth Day...God created Beer (to stop the Canadians from taking over the world)
source unknown
IMHO (which in my universe is correct)
kathy copelin, ch.com 8/8/06
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JeffB
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #13 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 1:38pm » |
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Of course Ricky's there, it is however "the united states of Canada".
Kidding, British Columbia has the best strip clubs ever!
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" It's been my experience that people who have no vices have very little virtues."
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Margi
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #14 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 1:42pm » |
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well, alrighty then, Jeff....duly noted.
You are officially on my list now.
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http://askusaboutourgrandkids.photosite.com/
And, on the Eighth Day...God created Beer (to stop the Canadians from taking over the world)
source unknown
IMHO (which in my universe is correct)
kathy copelin, ch.com 8/8/06
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chewy
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #15 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 2:50pm » |
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Hey Jimi, about the Kentucky Hillbillies
You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s."
That cover it? Nuff said? 
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| « Last Edit: Sep 21st, 2006, 2:50pm by chewy » |
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alchemy
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #16 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 2:52pm » |
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and don't steal your neighbors banjo
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Jimi
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #17 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 3:09pm » |
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Yes...I feel much better now.
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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DonnaHar
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #18 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 3:23pm » |
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and stay away from the still.
edited to ask: what does "still" mean, anyway? Like, you can't move after you've had some of that white lightning?
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| « Last Edit: Sep 21st, 2006, 3:24pm by DonnaHar » |
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deltadarlin
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #19 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 4:55pm » |
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Actually the word *still* comes from the word distillary, but Bubba had a hard time saying that word, much less remembering it, so the word *still* was born.
'darlin
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #20 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 5:27pm » |
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on Sep 21st, 2006, 12:14pm, Jimi wrote:| Well...since I am not Arabic, Black, Mexican, from France or Jewish, I am not offended by the post. I AM offended however that you had nothing to say about Kentucky Hillbillies. We ain't good anough to even get an honorable mention? |
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HEY! As the daughter of a born and raised Kentucky hilbilly, from Louisa, I....I ..... I
sorta resent that - sorta.
Sandy
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Lean on me when you're not strong
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Till I'm gonna need
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JeffB
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #21 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 5:39pm » |
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Hillbillies are cool. Who else could go to a family reunion looking for a date?
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" It's been my experience that people who have no vices have very little virtues."
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Jimi
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #22 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 5:48pm » |
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........word........
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Linda_Howell
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #23 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 5:51pm » |
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Quote:| Hillbillies are cool. Who else could go to a family reunion looking for a date? |
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I see that you are plagerizing from the other Jeff. (Foxworthy, that is)
I'm not offended by what Chewy said.. I'm grateful that he, in his infinite wisdom saw fit to not mention blondes from California.
surfs up!!!!!!
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Kindness, is gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us.
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Jimi
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Re: How many can I offend at one time?
« Reply #24 on: Sep 21st, 2006, 6:32pm » |
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I don't want your feelings hurt Linda so....
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same
female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day,
the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave
right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how
would she Know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed
early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout
at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her
husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a
muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently,
she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and
redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the
blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught
yesterday. 
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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