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Topic: At A Loss Right now (Read 291 times) |
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Carl_D
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I sit here, wanting to just let everything spill out, and am locked up. I've been through enough shit the past few weeks that I don't know nor care if I am coming or going. I pulled my best friend aside twice in the past week who can obviously tell something is 'not right' yet I lock up.
I have been busting my ass so hard that, I guess everyone was right and I've been on overdrive too long and hit burnout, or have become desheartened in that every job that was 'supposed to pay off' has done nothing but put me further and further in debt. I have been dying for a couple of years now to do a new recording, and have had friends tanuting me telling me "Oh you'll never record again. Your day is over, hang it up, your washed up" and yet I have written some of my best stuff ever. The only thing holding me back is lack of equipment to record with. I have busted ass to try and get what gear wasn't stolen from me back, and have the essentials back - I just need a recorder. Well, my brother whom I never hear from told me mothers ago he would build me a machine that would do anything. Well, I got the machine (FINALLY) only to find that it will work after I throw a few hundred bucks into it. Oh hey no problem! I've got a job. Oh wait, I forgot what my job is.
A job a make very little money at, but am holding out for a better higher pay position. My client went into one of his psychotic episodes yesterday and had there not been any witnessess, it would have been my last day there. Now I come home a nervous fucking wreck having panic attacks. wishing there were someone here to talk to, help me through this.... instead - everyone comes to me, I have to brush myself aside and help everyone else, and I don't think I am can that anymore. I have alot of friends who will seek me out first when they need a friend, and they will be the first to run when I need one.
I'm just a wreck. for 2 days now I am not been my usually 'joking around/ chipper self' but instead am worn out from no sleep, my head hurts from not just CH but too much prssure. I am so tired I can't focus on anything. I'm just a wreck and trying to snap out of it.
No , I am NOT suicidal! Just so that is out of the was. I just keep looking at how hard I've busted ass on things, only to wind up with nothing to show for it.
I'm just out of it right now. Not enough sleep, and I'll not go into the lists on not enough's around here because it would be futile. The one bright spot I had was I had planned to get an o2 tank on Friday, but since my Dr apt got rescheduled for NOV 7TH it looks like I might have o2 for thanksgiving, but won't count my chickens before they hatch. I wasn't able to get stocked up on Frova, so will have no choice but to use the Trex I have left.
In just a few days I have become serious ZAPPED. I have no energy, no desire to do anything. Every business venture has either fallen through or seems pointless, and some things I have given everything I am to try and make things work. I won't even go into some of the sacrifices I went through to get my guitar back, but at that time there was the promise of playing some upcoming gigs that would have made everything okay.
So, just so everyone knows... I AM NOT SUICIDAL!!! I am just at a loss. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know who I can really trust anymore. I don't know how to be a 'tough guy' when on the inside I am ravaged. I'm just at the point of giving up on everything. As badly as I want to record, I just don't have the gear to do it, by the time I finally fo get to that point a few years from now, my finger might be too ate up to even play anymore. I have several songs done inside my head, but I am the only one who can hear them. My band that fucked me over bigtime earlier this year (long story) gave me the false hope I might be able to get a car again after having to ditch the mustang for not passing emissions 5 years ago.
I'm just at a loss right now. I don't expect anyone to understand this one bit, but I have never been so heartbroken in my life. All of these things crushing down on me at once, there isn't one person alive who could bring about this much heartache on one person.
That's just where I'm at right now, and the last 2 days have been much worse. I haven't been blogging as much as I usually do, or posting on this site or my music site... I just don't have the desire. Sorry, I just thought maybe if I let it out here a little bit it will be out of my system a bit so please, if you feel the need or urge to leave a smartass remark or any kind of other bash - save it for someone else who you'll have more of a challenge hurting. I'm too easy of a target.
And man, just two months ago everything looked like all of these years of torture may have just been worth it to some extent.
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alienspacebabe
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yup. i am. i do. uh huh. you know it hon.
  
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Re: At A Loss Right now
« Reply #1 on: Sep 12th, 2006, 11:31pm » |
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 I understand....
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Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
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Tim_w
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Finer than frogs hair!
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Re: At A Loss Right now
« Reply #2 on: Sep 12th, 2006, 11:43pm » |
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Hang in there Carl!!
Remember you are a CLUSTERHEAD you can do any thing!
Sending vibes your way !
TimW Happy Pappy
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We will all go to HEAVEN we have been to HELL! -(Personal Quote) YES There is life out There (Thank you to my new suporters)
They say this will only make me stronger but I did not ask to be SUPERMAN
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cootie
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sumday I'm gonna be sumbody........ ..
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Re: At A Loss Right now
« Reply #3 on: Sep 13th, 2006, 12:32am » |
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Man do I ever know what ya mean about haveing alot of friends dumpin on ya about 'there stuff' but no one around to listen to you or if ya attempt to talk they tell ya to stop whinein or give ya that look. Or they are busy goin there merry way since they got THERE SHIT off there chest. I fineally blew up at a few people cuz of it.....they'd corner me everytime we went out and go on and on about there problems and I always listen'd......half the time I ended up with a dam migraine cuz of it.....sumtimes it got to be a bit too much but I couldn't get away from them. They'd just go on and on.....and I still tried to give em advice and listen and not act rude. Everyone else would duck em or run from em cuz they just won't give anyone the time of day for that shit. When I need sumone to talk to I got no one......(well Brad listens but he has enuff shit to worry about).....so I have learned to clam up. And I don't think it's a good answer for myself. Guess I am a good listener......and I was a good friend.......but 'they' have taught me to be less Pam
Yer gonna have to try and get thru this rough time so that it doesn't get any worse for yourself.......did that make sense ? Are ya listenin ?
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Cause and Effect......"Cause is the effect concealed, Effect is the cause revealed"
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FramCire
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Life like a froward child must be humored a little
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Re: At A Loss Right now
« Reply #4 on: Sep 13th, 2006, 2:59am » |
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You and I have never met but if there is anything I can do for you from Southwest Missouri, let me know. I suffer from depression so I have similar feelings (not quite so intense) during my bad times.
I read somewhere a quote and it seems appropriate. "When life gives you a rock...... rock and roll". To me, likfe has thrown rocks at you, my friend, so lets gather a posse, pick them up and let them roll!
Im not good for much but this kind of support and maybe a quote from the Sweedish Supergroup ABBA or Journey, so please dont flame me back.
Seriously, keep on rocking and don't give up your dreams of recording again and when this hits oyu, get over here and let your friends here take care of you for once.
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You've overstayed your welcome since the day we met but it doesn't seem to matter to you. No medications are your master, nothing makes you fret, it's a helpless feeling having nothing I can do
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Carl_D
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a
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| « Last Edit: Sep 13th, 2006, 3:18am by Carl_D » |
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George_J
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Re: At A Loss Right now
« Reply #6 on: Sep 13th, 2006, 3:20am » |
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Carl, in my little corner of the universe, I've always been the person that everyone goes to for advice, for comfort, for a sympathetic ear, and for a place to unload their troubles. It's the damndest thing--even people I don't know well will begin talking to me and will suddenly dump some incredible stuff in my lap to deal with.
I understand your feeling of isolation, and your sense that what you have given is not always reciprocated. For some people, I think, it's their lot in life to be the lightning rod for other people's trouble as well as their own. It sucks, but there it is.
I may be wrong, but I think you're piling other people's sh%t on top of everything in your own life that you're having to deal with--which is plenty. It's not only bumming you out, it's depressing you. Your feeling of having no energy, no desire to do things that are important to you, feeling zapped--that's depression. I know you're not suicidal, you're too tough and resilient for that, but it isn't good for you.
I've been there.
Don't know what else to say, other than to stay away from those who are all take and no give. It's not what you need right now. Right now, you need to take. It'll be your turn to give another day.
We're here for you, my friend, for whatever help and support we can give.
Best always,
George
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Ah! The foreigners put on such airs
Wearing the tangerine suits
And their harlequin eyes.
The pain they inspire
Draws in harmonica melodies
And the feathers of birds
Which flame up at their touch.
It all comes to light in the sheer
Debonair.
(Ellen)
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sandie99
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Wish it, dream it, do it - inspite the pain!
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Re: At A Loss Right now
« Reply #7 on: Sep 13th, 2006, 3:27am » |
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Carl,
people who say that you should not make your music are not your friends. Your friends are supposed to support you! No matter what.
I know that I cannot say what it's like for you...I do knows a lot of people, who need my help, but are far away when I need some...  Broken hearts, no matter what caused it, need time to mend.
I wish I could do more to help... sending just hugs, vibes and prayers your way seems so little. If there's something I can do, let me know!
Sanna
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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Carl_D
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I;m stuck
I want to help anyone I can, but I was always told to help myself first. I cannot help myselff, nor those near me, so what do I do)
no sleep......work comeings in 4 hours and I shadow like hell. Why do I care so much for other who couldn't give a piss about me?)
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kayarr
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Re: At A Loss Right now
« Reply #9 on: Sep 13th, 2006, 7:02am » |
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You care because you are truly a good person. You also would not be able to live any other way.
You obviously feel things deeply. I had to learn how to not let the vibes around me drag me down. You know the feeling of heavy black doom you feel sometimes just walking into a place where there are a lot of bad feelings. This was during the cashier years and did you know that a cashier is kinda like a bartender sans the booze. Anyway I would carry all of this stuff around until one day I cried for about 4 hours. That is when I knew I had to hear it, then pray about it then let it go. I don't carry the weight of the world around any more. Mine ends up being enough.
((((((Carl)))))))
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Nothing is impossible! Just believe!!!!!
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Charlotte
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Re: At A Loss Right now
« Reply #10 on: Sep 13th, 2006, 8:31am » |
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sorry, Carl.
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FramCire
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Re: At A Loss Right now
« Reply #11 on: Sep 13th, 2006, 10:33am » |
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on Sep 13th, 2006, 3:38am, Carl_D wrote:I;m stuck
I want to help anyone I can, but I was always told to help myself first. I cannot help myselff, nor those near me, so what do I do)
no sleep......work comeings in 4 hours and I shadow like hell. Why do I care so much for other who couldn't give a piss about me?) |
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The hallmark of a great man is one who can care for/love a person who couldn't care less/love for him.
You, my friend, should be proud to be such a man. Very few of you exsist.
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You've overstayed your welcome since the day we met but it doesn't seem to matter to you. No medications are your master, nothing makes you fret, it's a helpless feeling having nothing I can do
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