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Topic: I'm Sorry (Read 270 times) |
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Carl_D
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I am in shambles. I have been in cycle almost 3 weeks, and this past week has been hell. The past few days have got worse. I am fighting this as hard as I can, and am giving it all I've got. Unfortunately it is not just the CH startingt up on me, but have been having leg problems for weeks, and may have to get injections in my knee (which doesn't sound fun).
I have fought with everything that is in me the past few months to try and regain what I have lost in 8 years, and felt like I made a good dent. But now I don't know what to expect. My last cycle I was chronic for 8 years. This cycle - who knows. I don't have a killer job. I am not married to the love of my life. I live alone. I suffer this alone. I cope alone. If I reach the point I did a year ago where I couldn't even leave my apartment, then I am all alone.
I'm just saying this now, since things are getting worse, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it and try to maintain a life. I may disappear from here for the simple fact that I am the type of person who will say what I feel... and not everyone needs to hear this.
If I am missing from the board, it is because I am trying to get this under control, and REFUSE to bring anyone else down again. I have also made resolutions based on what I'ved lived and learned. I want NOTHING from ANYONE HERE EVER AGAIN!!!! When I hel[p someone, it is with no thought in mind other than to help them, but I have been helped by people I looked up to, only to have it thrown back into my face like I was the biggest piece of shit to ever walk the earth. Therefore I ask nothing from no one. I will however, help anyone in anyway I can. If I know I can help someone who is suffering and yet I do not....I feel like I am in league with satan.
In short, things are going to hell fast, and since I thought I had things under control - I am in some trouble. It doesn't matter thought. I lived through this before, and realize all of my talents are a moot point unless I can function as an individual. I am fighting with everything in me, but though you may understand mky dilemma with CH, not everyone does - including asswipes who kick me in the head leaving a show thinking I am just some drunk writhing with my head in my hands.
I don't know. Right now I need a friend and no one is to be found, so I am pouring out my heart here. I realize I am opening myself up for attack by doing this, but have come to terms with the fact that everyday will be a fight from now on.
I have had several people who are amazed by my playing and writing who don't understand why I have not made it huge in music. Were I not a poor musician with several things against me, and then toppled off ith CH and other physical dillemmas. I have been a victim of circumstances, have not been able to play ouit the last few years like I should have been doing, and now I just have to deal with what I am left with.
I'm sorry to unload like this, and you can tell me to fuck off or get off my high horse or whatever. The truth is, I felt like I had another chance to complete my calling, and though the beast is back, I still want to complete my calling.
I also know how the rug can be pulled out from under me on a dime. I'm just not ready for this.
Worried,
Carl D
PS - very little sleep this week... I go to work in a few hours and also work my day off on thursday. I am doing all I can to perservere.
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sandie99
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Wish it, dream it, do it - inspite the pain!
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #1 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 5:44am » |
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Carl,
venting is allowed. That's why we're here! 
I'm glad that you wrote this post. I was about to send you IM and ask how things are going. I do hope that this cycle is a short one.
Your support & advices have meant a lot to me. If there's something I can do for you, let me know! 
Wishing you PF time & sleep,
Sanna
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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E-Double
CH.com Alumnus
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Are we ourselves?
  
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #2 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 6:50am » |
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Bust out that guitar and let it play!
You ARE doing well!!!!
You appear to be in a better mindset than you previously were and will not let it get the better of you.
Find your outlet so that it ( the dread and anxiety) does not over take the situation.
You can deal with the hits and you will deal with life just fine.
Peace
E
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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zwibbs/Scott
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Stay Strong !!!
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #3 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 7:10am » |
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Hang tough Carl !! You'll get through it. You do have ALOT of friends who will be pulling for you in a very big way.
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There's always light at the end of the Tunnel.
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Karla
CH.com Alumnus
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One of Many and Never Alone - Join OUCH
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #4 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 7:23am » |
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Youre in my prayers Carl.
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Karla
suffer chronic ch
ch.com groupie since 1999
Proud Mom of Chris USMC Semper Fi
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LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
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OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #5 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 7:37am » |
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You disappear and I will hunt you down!
You're simply not allowed to frighten or worry people like that. We do care, you know that. Even if we can't help in any other way we can support you. The only thing that brings me down is when people shut me out and won't let me help. That tears me apart.
We'll fight this bastard the same way we always do
Together
Helen
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Charlotte
CH.com Alumnus
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I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #6 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 8:15am » |
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Plese don't choose to be alone. I know what it's like to have the rug pulled out from under you and not know what to expect. I also know what it is like to feel like you are alone. You're not alone, now. We may not be able to physically help, but we are here.
Please don't stay away.
Charlotte
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superhawk2300
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #7 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 8:20am » |
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Hey Bro,
I feel terrible the beast is back with you.
I feel worse that you want to hide from.....everything, including here.
I invite you to continue posting here during this tough time. You can not bring me down, you are a powerful man but no one can bring anyone else down unless they allow themselves to be taken down.
I am sorry you have had help you received here thrown back in your face. I also invite you to clear that up directly with who has done it to you to get past it, if that is affecting you getting help from this place. I have not done it to you and I will not do it to you. Do not judge all by the actions of some, and don’t tell me who I can help – I will always help a friend in need, and if its, you then so be it.
I did the guitar thing in the 80’s and 90’s. I’ve not played since then either. It is a hard profession and I am sure you are aware by now that talent and skill have nothing to do with what people think is “good” and are willing to pay money for. Look at al the shitty guitar players that are mega-stars (for decades). Its not you, it is the industry and our society. Hell look at that Shawn Lane guy I posted the video to you months ago– most technically talented guitar player ever (actually played like dozens of instruments as well as he could guitar). No one has ever heard of him. You completing your calling has nothing to do with clusters, just remember you are still in the game and keep on.
I feel regret for quitting playing. I often want to pick it back up but never seem to be able to get myself to. I admire you for not quitting.
You are not alone. I will be thinking of you constantly. I want you to come back here and let us know how you are doing.
Do you need anything specifically? (I didn’t ask about “want” – I know yo don’t “want” help, but what do you need – I hear lots of needs in your post) Money, meds, phone calls, a place to stay with another human being so you are not alone? Name it my friend.
Please don’t go away.
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rickyshot
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ouch
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #8 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 8:56am » |
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Hey Carl I feel you. When I am in cycle I get despondant, depressed and just not logical. You gotta know that this is your head talking it is NOT you. For me my faith in God has gotten me through the many trials of life and CH. You gotta find your anchor. I am mostly alone. My kids are grown and I am alone in a big townhouse. I do not have a lot of friends. I get tired of explaining my moods and how I am feeling all the time. It must be a drag for others I am sure.
Keep playing your guitar my man. It may be a perfect outlet for you. Don't look to make it. Just do your personal best. You of all people should know that the ones who "make it" are usually not the most talented. There are a lot of factors to "success". We tend to measure success by money possesions and fame. How sad. Having a passion for life and doing your personal best against all odds makes one a winner in my books.
Fight up Carl. Check your PM
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ExplodingEyeBall
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #9 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 9:01am » |
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Carl.
Don't let this shit get the best of you. I've seen you fight it in the past and I know you can do it again.
Hang in there.
Pat
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Just poke out my eye and get it over with!!!
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Daddys_Devil
Guest
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Hang tough big man. You've got friends here and they wanta help. Don't feel like disapearing will make eveything better. It won't, trust me. I might be young but even I can feel your pain. Don't be afraid to let a little of your load slip onto the shoulders of those who want to help. As for those who don't and just want you out, forget 'em. I've been told to get lost so many times, I've lost count. Don't let them push you away. That's happened to to many people, that came here looking for help, already. Fight it man. But don't fight it alone. Lots of strangth and hope headed your way.
Always,
Felicia 
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JeffB
CH.com Alumnus
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #11 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 10:55am » |
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Hang tough brother, don't go anywhere! This is the best place for you especially now. I too live alone after a 10 year relationship that ended in early July and I know how you feel. Don't isolate yourself dude nothing good will come of it.
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" It's been my experience that people who have no vices have very little virtues."
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George_J
CH.com Alumnus
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #12 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 11:12am » |
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on Aug 16th, 2006, 10:32am, Daddys_Devil wrote:Hang tough big man. You've got friends here and they wanta help. Don't feel like disapearing will make eveything better. It won't, trust me. I might be young but even I can feel your pain. Don't be afraid to let a little of your load slip onto the shoulders of those who want to help. As for those who don't and just want you out, forget 'em. I've been told to get lost so many times, I've lost count. Don't let them push you away. That's happened to to many people, that came here looking for help, already. Fight it man. But don't fight it alone. Lots of strangth and hope headed your way.
Always,
Felicia |
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What Felicia said, Carl.
Your thoughtfulness is known to me. I haven't forgotten your kind post when I was worried a thread I started might expose someone I love to a slagging. It turned out wonderfully well, but it could easily have gone the other way if someone had taken offense. It meant a lot to me.
Sometimes I curse this hands-off, distancing medium--you can't see another person's eyes and mind, you can't communicate those things that can only be imparted without words. You can't simply sit with a friend who needs to have someone else there for a while.
Just know that you have some strong supporters here who believe in you, and are sending the strongest possible wishes and hopes for you that we can.
I know you don't want anything. I understand that you do not wish to accept anything. But I offer you my friendship, at least.
There will be time for your music. You're strong, and your music is strong.
Best regards,
George
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Ah! The foreigners put on such airs
Wearing the tangerine suits
And their harlequin eyes.
The pain they inspire
Draws in harmonica melodies
And the feathers of birds
Which flame up at their touch.
It all comes to light in the sheer
Debonair.
(Ellen)
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Mattrf
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Thank god for my wife and kids who keep me alive.
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Re: I'm Sorry
« Reply #13 on: Aug 16th, 2006, 12:00pm » |
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Be strong my brother, most of the people here are here to help, don’t pay attention to those that don’t.
Don’t stop coming here and posting and venting when you need to, the one thing you do not need is to be alone to fight the beast. If the negative people make you want to not post then PM anyone who has posted to you on this thread for support to keep it more private and anyone of us will be there for you, you have a lot of friends here and you are never alone unless you choose to be and we don’t want you to make that choice.
We are here for you, you will get through this and all we want is to help if you will except our help. I have been very low and people here including you have been very kind and supportive and have gotten me through it and that is all we want to do for you.
Hang tough.
Matt
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There is no stronger a person then one who can deal with brain pain and still function.
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