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Topic: How to give a cat a pill... very informative (Read 184 times) |
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Ree
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How to give a cat a pill... very informative
« on: Jun 24th, 2006, 1:31pm » |
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How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on it to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little @#$%&*'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss in the air.
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Proud Mom to US ARMY Kiowa OH58 PILOT~CWO2 SCOTT Hawaii, & USMC Vet~Now POLICE OFFICER SEAN, Citizen of the Month~ Breezy~ Nana 4 Matt/Mike&Aya, MIL To Shino Wife to Dave HI BILL!http://www.myspace.com/dungareespocket http://www.prohawaiian.com
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Jasmyn
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Re: How to give a cat a pill... very informative
« Reply #1 on: Jun 24th, 2006, 1:39pm » |
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Thanks Ree 
This had me running for the closest loo.
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Jazz 
Madness is proclaimed by society’s inability to accept its own infallibility
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BobG
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Re: How to give a cat a pill... very informative
« Reply #2 on: Jun 24th, 2006, 1:42pm » |
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on Jun 24th, 2006, 1:31pm, Ree wrote:
How To Give A Dog Husband A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss in the air. |
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There, fixed it.
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Stay stressed. Never relax. Never sleep. Ever.
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Ree
New Board Hall of Famer
2008's my year to shine~SUN IS OUT!!!YAY
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Posts: 5236
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Re: How to give a cat a pill... very informative
« Reply #3 on: Jun 25th, 2006, 1:02pm » |
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Well
Bob everyone knows that I have this kitty problem and she is supposed to be on meds that we cannot get into her because she is a champion spitter. We are at our wits end with the cat at this point and she may have to leave us for greener pastures... its so sad... anyway someone sent me that and I was dying I was laughing so hard.......picture me and Dave as the persons doing that we have had similar situations... too funny...
dogs rule... cats are just too complicated.........ree
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Proud Mom to US ARMY Kiowa OH58 PILOT~CWO2 SCOTT Hawaii, & USMC Vet~Now POLICE OFFICER SEAN, Citizen of the Month~ Breezy~ Nana 4 Matt/Mike&Aya, MIL To Shino Wife to Dave HI BILL!http://www.myspace.com/dungareespockethttp://www.prohawaiian.com
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