Author |
Topic: Somebody tell a joke (Read 505 times) |
|
pattik
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
 
Gender: 
Posts: 2404
|
 |
Somebody tell a joke
« on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 3:19pm » |
 Quote  Modify
|
This board is getting way too depressing...I'll start 
|
|
 IP Logged |
The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes, it's about having new eyes--Marcel Proust
|
|
|
LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #1 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 3:35pm » |
Quote Modify
|
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
" A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man ,
to love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "
|
|
IP Logged |
The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
|
|
|
LadyElaine
Guest
|
SENIOR HUMOR
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
-----------------------------------------
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ...
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
----------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
----------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And finally......
A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go.
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
medic1852
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
This will only hurt for a little while!
Gender: 
Posts: 923
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #4 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:00pm » |
Quote Modify
|
|
|
IP Logged |
Shoot Low Sherrif He's Riding a Sheltland Pony!
|
|
|
LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #5 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:00pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Elaine I'm sitting here crying laughing at the jokes you posted, they have really tickled my fancy today!
Mellymoo I love the second one! That is hilarious! My poor cat thinks "mummy" has finally really and truly gone past the point of no return! 
|
|
IP Logged |
The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
|
|
|
LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #6 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:01pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Rodg.. you little shit! 
|
|
IP Logged |
The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
|
|
|
LadyElaine
Guest
|
Sex In the Dark!
There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every time they made love the husband always
insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding
a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
medic1852
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
This will only hurt for a little while!
Gender:
Posts: 923
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #8 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:03pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:01pm, LeLimey wrote:| Rodg.. you little shit! |
|
I ...got ...some ...eye...candy...Just for your HELEN...
|
|
IP Logged |
Shoot Low Sherrif He's Riding a Sheltland Pony!
|
|
|
LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #9 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:11pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Elaine that was priceless!
Rodg.. I wouldn't if I was you, us girlies are mighty mean you know! 
|
|
IP Logged |
The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
|
|
|
medic1852
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
This will only hurt for a little while!
Gender:
Posts: 923
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #10 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:14pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:11pm, LeLimey wrote:
Rodg.. I wouldn't if I was you, us girlies are mighty mean you know! |
|
You dont scare me...I am MARRIED TO A RED HEAD!! HELLOOO! Besides mean girls are HOT.
Rodger
|
|
IP Logged |
Shoot Low Sherrif He's Riding a Sheltland Pony!
|
|
|
LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #11 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:19pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:14pm, medic1852 wrote:
YET Rodgie.. the word you are looking for is YET!
Ask Frank!  He can tell you stories that'll make your (one remaining) hair curl!
|
|
IP Logged |
The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
|
|
|
LadyElaine
Guest
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #12 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:21pm » |
Quote Modify
 Remove
|
Helen your not going to belive this but I get these jokes from a little old lady I have known for years through email. The woman can make me blush! Here is one she sent me!
HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking
very nervous so he decided to tell her a little
joke as he put on his gloves.
Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of
latex. Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,
let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the
right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh well, I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a
delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #13 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:22pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by
mistake, happened to end up in Rodg's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............
"We're down here .....
|
|
IP Logged |
The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
|
|
|
medic1852
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
This will only hurt for a little while!
Gender:
Posts: 923
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #14 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:26pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Your wanting to see some hotties arent you....
|
|
IP Logged |
Shoot Low Sherrif He's Riding a Sheltland Pony!
|
|
|
LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #15 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:34pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Sorry Rodg.. was that a bit below the belt?
|
|
IP Logged |
The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
|
|
|
medic1852
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
This will only hurt for a little while!
Gender:
Posts: 923
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #16 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:34pm » |
Quote Modify
|
What Helen dreams of nightly..
|
|
IP Logged |
Shoot Low Sherrif He's Riding a Sheltland Pony!
|
|
|
LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #17 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:41pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Just remember this Rodgie.. God only made me stupid so I'd be friends with you 
|
|
IP Logged |
The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
|
|
|
medic1852
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
This will only hurt for a little while!
Gender:
Posts: 923
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #18 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:43pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:41pm, LeLimey wrote:
I knew you couldnt resist looking.... 
|
|
IP Logged |
Shoot Low Sherrif He's Riding a Sheltland Pony!
|
|
|
Melissa
Guest
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #19 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:44pm » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
Actual people who wed... (these are last names only)
Wendt-Adaway
Filler-Quick
Dunnam-Favors
Drinkwine-Layer
Gowen-Geter
Weener-Whipple
Peters-Rising
Kuntz-Dick
Butts-McCracken
Aikin-Johnson
Busch-Graber
Wacker-Dailey
MacDonald-Berger
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
pattik
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 2404
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #20 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:47pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:34pm, medic1852 wrote:| . |
|
This is from Rodg's Speedo catalogue, and I'm guessing he ordered the one on the right. 
Helen, wherever you get your material from...thanks!
|
|
IP Logged |
The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes, it's about having new eyes--Marcel Proust
|
|
|
LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #21 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:48pm » |
Quote Modify
|
WARNING FOR ALL WOMEN !
This is a heads up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not.
It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?
My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.
Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
|
|
IP Logged |
The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
|
|
|
medic1852
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
This will only hurt for a little while!
Gender:
Posts: 923
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #22 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:51pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:47pm, pattik wrote:
This is from Rodg's Speedo catalogue, and I'm guessing he ordered the one on the right.
|
|
Wrong! I prefer the black and whit print on the left...
|
| « Last Edit: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:51pm by medic1852 » |
IP Logged |
Shoot Low Sherrif He's Riding a Sheltland Pony!
|
|
|
LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
Gender:
Posts: 11720
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #23 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:53pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Yes but they didn't have your size did they Rodg? Small Minuscule or Liar!
|
|
IP Logged |
The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
|
|
|
pattik
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 2404
|
|
Re: Somebody tell a joke
« Reply #24 on: Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:54pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:53pm, LeLimey wrote:| Yes but they didn't have your size did they Rodg? Small Minuscule or Liar! |
|
|
|
IP Logged |
The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes, it's about having new eyes--Marcel Proust
|
|
|
|
|
|
Home
Help
Search
Members
Member Map
Login
Register
Reply
Notify of replies
Send Topic
Print
test rss