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Topic: Update from the seventh level of hell... (Read 639 times) |
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fubar
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Update from the seventh level of hell...
« on: Mar 13th, 2006, 3:28am » |
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Here we sit, waiting for news. We have been in the labor/delivery ward for 10 days now. There just isn't words to describe the pain and anguish of having to listen to all of these babies being born while we sit here grieving the death of one of our twins and hoping for a miracle with the other one. These easily tops my list of life experiences that I would delete if possible. Suicidal feelings are nipping at my brain, as if that would solve anything.
I still can't believe it happened. Only 3 weeks ago, we were getting married on a cliff over the ocean. We were celebrating the beginning of a great new life together, and twins on the way. I felt as if my disaster of a life was finally taking a turn for the better, even if I have to deal with this beast we call CH on a daily basis. My new wife is everything I could hope for in a friend, lover, supporter, and has an uncanny ability to deal with me and my beastly moments. It ain't no picnic.
On Wednesday, March 7th, everything changed. She was already in the hospital because of the vomiting and weak cervix, but the call I got at 5:30am was very clear. "We're losing the babies" I jumped in the truck and got to the hospital to find my wife in great pain. She was laboring hard, but the bay was breach (feet first) and the water had not broken. It actually took the entire day to deliver the baby. Most of this time, I could see his little leg and foot hanging out of mommy, but the cervix had not opened enough to allow his head to come out. So we waited and waited some more, all the while having painful contractions.
When Andrew was born, he did not even have the ability to take a breath. His little heart beat for a few minutes, but he died there in our arms. He was so beautiful and perfectly peaceful. We held him between us for more than an hour, but eventually they took him away. I'll never forget that day. It's the worst day of my life, and I have a lot to choose from.
Jen is emotionally destroyed. How do you get excited about the baby living inside you when you have to bury his little brother? It's not easy to get attached to the living baby now when you know, in all likelihood, that he will not survive. How can we go through the same exact pain again so soon? The fact is, infection is virtually a certainty, and that will mean the end of this pregnancy. Sure, they can work miracles and stave off an infection, but it's not exactly likely. Besides, they are giving indocin to quell contractions, and that has its own list of dangers to the fetus.
So, if we are really lucky, we will be right here in the hospital for at least another 8-18 weeks. I'm just hoping to make it through next week. If an infection develops, this is the week it will happen. That would be catastrophic. If not, we face the possibility of a damaged baby from all of the medications, or a preemee baby with tons of complications for life. On the other hand, God may smile on us and give us a healthy son. Remote possibility, but the only possibility that works for me.
The nurses here finally trust me to operate most of the machines for Jen, so that's kind of funny. I have done more ICU time than a lot of nurses. When Sandy was dying, we were at Stanford ICU for close to 2 years, so I know my way around these contraptions. I sleep here almost every night, so I make sure the monitors are all fed paper, and that her IV pump (which complains a lot) gets fixed without bothering people. At first that made them nervous, but they know better now.
I'm having a hard time figuring out where my head is at. I mean, I want to be here and be happy for the baby we have left, but being on the verge of losing him too makes it hard for me to invest any feelings in him. That causes me to feel guilty, and the cycle repeats until I just want to die.
I've always told people "You don't get to pick your problems. You get to deal with them". Somebody please tell me how I deal with this? I have been through some shit, including the death of nearly everyone I was ever close to. I thought it couldn't get worse. What a stupid, ignorant, and arrogant thought. Of course it can get worse. You are never going to be equipped to deal with an event like this. Arghhhhh. This must be what they call depression.
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LeLimey
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #1 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 4:06am » |
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Oh Shawn, I'm so sorry. I have such an ache in my own heart reading what you and Jen are going through and I know it doesn't compare one iota to what you two are going through.. seventh level of hell doesn't begin to describe it.
I wish I knew what words to say, I wish I had something profound that would help but there isn't anything anywhere that can ease this pain.
We're thinking of you and holding our breath with you and for you, every day is a bonus, I refuse to think otherwise. If the power of love can work a miracle then you can expect one because I know the whole of clusterville is wishing you all well.
You and Jen are in my thoughts all day every day. I'm praying hard for you all
with much love
Helen xxx
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Gator
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #2 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 4:41am » |
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on Mar 13th, 2006, 4:06am, LeLimey wrote:| If the power of love can work a miracle then you can expect one because I know the whole of clusterville is wishing you all well. |
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What she said, bro. Much love and all my best hopes and wishes for you, Jen and the baby. I just wish there were more we could do.
Mike
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The mad viking
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #3 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 6:17am » |
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Ditto to what already have been said here
What you two have been trough , nobody cant imagine
The very best from Svenn 
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Melissa
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #4 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 6:42am » |
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Somehow, you keep going.
Don't know if it's the resilience of the human spirit or what but you just keep going.
Somehow, you will.
 mel
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| « Last Edit: Mar 13th, 2006, 7:02am by Melissa » |
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Jasmyn
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #5 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 6:57am » |
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Shawn, I am so sorry, this is hell. You are stronger than you think, when you've gone through all you had already in life, strength is part of you. It does not mean that you won't come to places when you want to give up because it seems too much and overwelming and it hurts too much but if there is someone to pull Jen through this it will be you.
I have faith in you and Jen needs you to remind her of your love. Hope is the one thing you have left. Concentrate on hope, whatever the future brings, you have each other.
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Grandma_Sweet_Boy
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #6 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 6:58am » |
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Helen said it so very well. Prayers continue to go up for your and your family.
Hugs
Carol
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stevegeebe
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #7 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 6:58am » |
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Fu..I'm so sorry. Our prayers are with you all.
Steve G
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tanner
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #8 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 7:05am » |
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Fu, there is nothing to say that hasn't been said above!
Just please keep hoping and add Linda and I to the large family
sending our prayers your way.. Tim
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| « Last Edit: Mar 13th, 2006, 7:06am by tanner » |
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cardogman
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #9 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 7:09am » |
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I'm terribly sorry to hear of the anguish and heartache you are experiencing. I remember very clearly when our daughter was born our first child and she was rushed to another hospital at birth and they told us she was critical and wouldn't survive the night. That was 22 years ago and she graduated college last May.
Hang in there and take one day at a time. You and your wife have your coping mechanisms and you will get through this.
I am sure all the folks here are praying for you.
Burt
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| « Last Edit: Mar 13th, 2006, 7:10am by cardogman » |
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E-Double
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #10 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 7:39am » |
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I wish I could reach out and hug ya man!
Prayers for you all!!!
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medic1852
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #11 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 8:25am » |
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There is nothing I can say to take away the pain you are feeling. I am truly sorry and am thinking about you and your wife and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Rodger
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nani
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #12 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 8:27am » |
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No words. Just hugs and love and prayers.
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Dragnlance
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #13 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 8:30am » |
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I can't even express what I feel for you. Sorry is just not enough.
What can I say. I sit here in my own pain knowing it is nothing close to what you and Jen are going thru.
All I can say is
May God Bless the 3 of you
Lance
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Cathi04
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #14 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 8:46am » |
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Shawn,
Helen said it for me as well. Sadly, you are the one waiting, wringing your hands, trying to figure out what to do with yourself.
I wish we could all gather round you there at the hospital, in person. Since we cant, we all watch for updates from you, silently waiting.
Again, I remind you, miracles happen. You saw one, Fu...please try to hang onto that.
You'll be up on that cliff again, Shawn, celebrating your love once again..and if you're lucky, you will be holding that baby.
Let us know how we can help.
Cathi
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minnie
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #15 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 8:57am » |
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on Mar 13th, 2006, 8:27am, nani wrote:
No words. Just hugs and love and prayers.
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Minnie who's gonna finish crying and then continue praying for you and your family
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ABarham
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #16 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 8:58am » |
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What more can be said? Just know that we are all with you in spirit. Our love and prayers reach out to you. Just hold on to each other, you will make it and we are all here to help.
Love and Prayers,
Louise
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Louise
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Lizzie2
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #17 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 9:00am » |
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All the love and prayers I have to give are coming your way. I'm going to send you a PM right after this - if you get it and are up for it, please call me - or PM me back and I'll call you - I have free long distance.
I'm sure people from neonatology have come and spoken to you, and it's not like I have any brand new great wisdom after only working there since last summer, but you are my friend and my brother through CH - if you'd like to talk about some of the information they've given you or even just vent your frustrations - I'm here.
Wish I could be there with both of you now...
Gentle hugs,
Carrie
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #18 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 9:07am » |
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Many hugs and prayers...what else can be said? Praying to give you strength and understanding...
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sandie99
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #19 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 9:32am » |
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Shawn,
All I can say is that you, Jen and your baby have been on my thoughts and prayers all the time. I wish you strength on this difficult time.
And thank you for taking time to let us know how things are going. We all are wishing you the best.
Sanna
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LeeS
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #20 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 9:42am » |
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Shawn. You were fundamentally instrumental in changing my life for the better. I've always wished I could reciprocate, but never so much as now.
Keep battling mate.
-Lee
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #22 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 10:09am » |
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praying for your miracle, Shawn, with all that I have.
Peace is Andrew's now and he's where he was meant to be. Ours is not to question why.
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #23 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 10:15am » |
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catlind
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Re: Update from the seventh level of hell...
« Reply #24 on: Mar 13th, 2006, 10:35am » |
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Sending all the prayers and positive energy and hoping for your miracle.
I can't tell you how to deal with this, I can't begin to fathom it.
Cat
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