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Topic: A Friday chuckle for the ladies (Read 278 times) |
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Sandy_C
CH.com Alumnus
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Burn that bra!
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A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 10:56am » |
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Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
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Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
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sandie99
New Board Hall of Famer
Wish it, dream it, do it - inspite the pain!
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #1 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 11:09am » |
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 Thank you so much, Sandy!
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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nani
CH.com Alumnus
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Got kudzu?
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #2 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 11:21am » |
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ROTFLMAO!!
Well, except for this
Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
Well...they DO! 
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Posts: 4024
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #3 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 12:08pm » |
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If the CHenz need a chuckle Post one of those Queen half nekkid guys and let the Goat bash it!    
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
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OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
 
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #4 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 12:15pm » |
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What do you say to a Goat with two black eyes?
Nothing - the fool didn't listen the first two times
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #5 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 12:29pm » |
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When a woman wears leather
clothing, ........
a man's heart beats
quicker, his throat gets dry,
he goes weak
in the knees
and he begins
to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck.
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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LeLimey
CH.com Alumnus
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OUCH-US - Less "ME" and more "WE"
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #6 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 12:35pm » |
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Silly me.. I always thought the way to a man's heart was through the ribcage but evidently the way to your's is up the exhaust
Who'da guessed??
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The arsehole I'm divorcing needs to get a life and stop stalking mine
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #7 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 12:38pm » |
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on Mar 3rd, 2006, 12:35pm, LeLimey wrote:Silly me.. I always thought the way to a man's heart was through the ribcage but evidently the way to your's is up the exhaust
Who'da guessed?? |
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That would be dangerous Im always ready to relieve pressure! 
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #8 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 1:17pm » |
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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair,turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start.
" This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top,
"You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Posts: 4024
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #9 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 1:35pm » |
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I just don't understand women. After the last child was born, my wife told me that we had to cut back on expenses -- and that I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker; maybe a 12 pack on weekends...
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt, I saw $45 for makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute! I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Posts: 4024
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #10 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 1:38pm » |
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In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it.
They are:
a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it.
I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you
peace, understanding and tranquility.
Also I bet that right now you would like to find me and kick my ass.
Well, You won't find me....because I am still hunting down the person who sent this to me...
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Dragnlance
New Board Hall of Famer
Monster bait
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #11 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 1:39pm » |
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To funny!
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #12 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 1:42pm » |
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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!
"Blowjobs!," the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and, if proven true, no =
more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Posts: 4024
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #13 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 1:46pm » |
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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
> > "How long before I
> > can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the
> > shop full of customers
> > and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
> >
> > A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in
> > the door and asked,
> > "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
> > looked around the shop
> > and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
> >
> > A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the
> > shop and asked, "How
> > long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked
> > around the shop and
> > said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
> >
> > The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill,
> > do me a favor.
> > Follow that guy, and see where he goes. He keeps
> > asking how long he has
> > to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever
> > come back."
> >
> > A little while later, Bill returned to the shop,
> > laughing hysterically.
> >
> > The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when
> > he leaves here?"
> >
> > Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his
> > eyes, and said, "Your
> > house."
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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Dragnlance
New Board Hall of Famer
Monster bait
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #14 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 2:02pm » |
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aprilbee
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #15 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 3:51pm » |
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Those are all great!!! LMAO!!
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ABarham
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #16 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 3:57pm » |
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Oh Sandy! I laughed until I cried and my stomach hurt. I was afraid everyone in my office was going to think I had totally cracked up or something horrible had happened. Their choice. Funny, Funny stuff.
Thanks for starting the weekend with a laugh. Now I need to send this to every woman I know.
LOL Louise
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Louise
Mother of CH son
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ABarham
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #17 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 4:08pm » |
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I spread it around -      
You should hear my office - it sounds like a comedy store or something,
I love it (and all of you)
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Louise
Mother of CH son
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ABarham
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Re: A Friday chuckle for the ladies
« Reply #18 on: Mar 3rd, 2006, 4:21pm » |
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This is too much. I only read Sandy's before replying. Finished reading everyone else and thought I was sure to crack a rib. Funny Funny stuff.
LTA - Louise
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Louise
Mother of CH son
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