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ClusterChuck
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Hello, again (added to)
« on: Feb 16th, 2006, 5:15am » |
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OK, I guess it is high time I did something right (or is it right?). I am getting beat up on many sides about this. It is time I told you what is up, and where I have been.
No, I have not had any more heart attacks. Yes, I am still getting hit, regularly. Yes, I am still working. No, I am not dating anyone. Yes, the Warden from Hell is still alive. Yes, oxygen still works, sometimes. No, I am not taking any meds for my CH.
But, the one major change is, that I have finally gone to a doctor (several, actually) and have been diagnosed with severe depression. There, it is out in the open.
Let me back up a bit: before I went to Norway, I stopped taking any CH meds. I got sick of all the experimentation, and side effects, when NOTHIN was doing squat, for my hits. The funny thing was, that my hits started to decrease. I went to Norway (had a VERY enlightening and enjoyable time) and came home. I was down to about 4 to 8 hits a day. It was delightful! After a couple weeks, my hit count started back up again, and got back to the 10 to 15 a day. Most were KIP 7 or higher. I even had two KIP 10’s. (That brings it up to about 8 KIP 10’s in 27 years.) Evidently, my mind refused to accept the numbers that used to be normal. I pulled into a shell. I stopped seeing or talking to people, except those that I had to, for work. I didn’t leave the house, unless I absolutely had to. I started having trouble sleeping. I stopped eating. I got down to only an hour of sleep a day. I lost a lot of weight. I stopped doing normal chores around the house. I cried a LOT. I was told I looked like death warmed over. I didn’t even go home for Christmas. I missed a lot of work.
Typical of me, I refused to admit there was anything wrong. Some how, I was even able to hide, most of it, from my daughters and ex-wife. My boss was the one to see through it. He basically forced me to get some help. I am now taking some good drugs.
Many things are coming back to par. Some are not, yet. Unfortunately, all the weight I lost, I found most of it. I am now getting about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day. My cluster hits are down to 3 to 8 a day. They are still bouncing from side to side, though. I wish it would make up its mind. I am not missing work. I am sort of eating, again.
I am still having trouble with normal chores, like laundry. I kept buying more clothes, so I would not have to wash and dry them. I now have enough clothes to go at least 55 days. I am still having trouble associating with people. I am trying. It is very hard. I still keep telling myself that this will pass.
My doctor has almost forced me to write and post this. I am still having trouble coming out into the open again.
I am not looking for your vibes, prayers, or any of that. It is just time I let you know what has happened to me. I am sure that this will end. Hopefully, soon. Then I will be back to normal. But then again, maybe it has been good that the foul mouthed, dirty minded, harassing PITA, that I was, has not been here, and maybe never should come back. Whatever.
There, now I have let you all know. You don’t have to worry. I am fine. I am sorry for the length of this, but I cut it down to as short as I could. This has been VERY difficult, and time consuming to write.
But I am fine. Don’t worry about me.
Chuck
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| « Last Edit: Mar 13th, 2006, 3:29am by ClusterChuck » |
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"No man can be happy without a friend, nor be sure of his friend till he is unhappy."
Thomas Fuller
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Melissa
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I hear ya, I know where you're coming from, and I know where you can go. Let me be an example that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing miraculous, nothing extraordinary, but getting back to "life".
Glad your doc twisted your arm and that you posted Chuck.
You know where to find me.
love,
mel
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Langa
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #2 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 6:38am » |
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Hi Chucky!
I'm so happy you posted luv. Depression is an awful thing to deal with and i'm so happy you're on meds that are helping you get back on your feet...your doc sounds like a good man too.
Hang in there my friend...there truly is light at the end of the tunnel and you are one tough, old bird  .
Know that we love you and miss you and are always here for you.
Love and prayers,
Langa
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sandie99
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #3 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 7:02am » |
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Chuck,
I'm sending some ((((((((vibes))))))) & prayers on your way.  I'm glad to see you here again.
Best wishes & PF days,
Sanna
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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LeLimey
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #4 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 7:12am » |
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They say misery loves company.. and you won't know what misery is until you spend time in my company again this summer! 
I know where you are honeybun and I know how hard it is to make the effort to breathe never mind anything else. Existing is a monumental effort and as for thinking about living? ha.
You will get through this Chuckles, sounds like you have a good doctor there and with the right meds you're on the right track. Depression is soul destroying and I know how hard it is to be with people, even online.
If it isn't for the bad times we'd never know how bloody brilliant the good times are and I promise you there are good times ahead.
Remember we love you though and we'll be here rooting for you even when you don't want to be here to. We're with you 100% of the way, any time and all the time. Don't forget that okay? EVER! (Remember me? The short bitchy one? Well I was in a GOOD mood last time so don't make me come after you  )
Did I tell you I think of you as one of my oldest friends?!
lots and lots of love
Helen XXX
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pattik
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #5 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 8:49am » |
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Hi Chuck,
I think I understand how difficult it was for you to get this all written out to us, but your doctor was right to make you do this. Putting things into words is very therapeutic, and who better to accept and understand than this family. Don't feel pressure to post a lot, but I hope we will see you back here more and more as your life normalizes. We were pretty worried, and its just a relief to know that you are okay. Please keep in touch.  Pat
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The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes, it's about having new eyes--Marcel Proust
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BobG
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #6 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 9:37am » |
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Been wondering when your name would show here again.
So sorry to hear about your, shall we say, down time but wonderful to hear you got help and are helping yourself to recovery.
I know you didn't ask for it but sending you best wishes and prayers.
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minnie
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #7 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 9:40am » |
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Chuckiepoo,
Love to you and Stephanie.I know how easy it is to crawl in a hole because of depression.I do spend most of my weekends at home alone with the cats.Church gets me out Sundays and I usually stay out til I pick up the girls.Would be very easy to stay in bed.I'm on Lexapro and that seems to help me.I had lost weight too and it seemed to find me again  .Keep well and please know that when your ready your seat is saved and so is your oar.We Love you and Stephanie so please try to keep us posted the place isn't the same without you.These guys try to be perverts and sexist but we need the old pro vert back
Minnie
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Richr8
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Hello Chuck!
« Reply #8 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 9:42am » |
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on Feb 16th, 2006, 5:15am, ClusterChuck wrote:
But, the one major change is, that I have finally gone to a doctor (several, actually) and have been diagnosed with severe depression. There, it is out in the open.
I pulled into a shell. I stopped seeing or talking to people, except those that I had to, for work. I didn’t leave the house, unless I absolutely had to. I started having trouble sleeping. I stopped eating. I got down to only an hour of sleep a day. I lost a lot of weight. I stopped doing normal chores around the house. I cried a LOT. I was told I looked like death warmed over. I didn’t even go home for Christmas. I missed a lot of work.
Typical of me, I refused to admit there was anything wrong. Some how, I was even able to hide, most of it, from my daughters and ex-wife. My boss was the one to see through it. He basically forced me to get some help. I am now taking some good drugs.
I am still having trouble with normal chores, like laundry. I kept buying more clothes, so I would not have to wash and dry them. I now have enough clothes to go at least 55 days. I am still having trouble associating with people. I am trying. It is very hard. I still keep telling myself that this will pass.
My doctor has almost forced me to write and post this. I am still having trouble coming out into the open again.
Chuck
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I'm new here but not to CH and have not had the pleasure of meeting you. From reading your post, it makes me wonder if I need some help too. Many of the symptoms you identify, such as, sleeplessness, isolation, not eating, low energy , socializing, are all things that are apparent in my life or are becoming a reason for concern. I have often thought about getting help, but always defer to the fact that it is just the condition that drives the behavior. After reading your post, I may look for help myself and quit blaming my psychological and social state on this horrible condition. In any event, you are clearly not alone, I have read many accounts from many of our freinds here that struggle with similar, "disfunction." I applaud you for taking that step and hope that you keep us posted on your progress so that atleast I might learn something of what can be a devastating psychological component of this condition.
Best of luck to you my freind,
Rich
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pf wishes,
Rich
...because yesterday is history and you never know what tomorrow will bring.
"Med free"- A few seeds and lots of O2-LG but not great.
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Jimi
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #9 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 9:54am » |
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Depression is a way of life for many on here Chuck. I mean, how can it NOT be. Not many peeps on here get hit as hard or as often as you. Depression seems like a normal bedfellow to me. I am glad you have found a good Doc to figure out the right drug to help you thru this. I want to thank you for the courage to post this. See you in July.
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catlind
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #11 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 10:21am » |
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Vibes and prayers? No I don't think so. A REALLY big 2x4? You bet.
Chuck depression goes hand in hand with this shit. You know that, you've seen it and helped so many who have experienced it. I know what it's like to crawl into that shell, and I know what it's like to come back out of it. I'm glad you are getting help.
One thing to do, is to force yourself to have a shower every day. It sounds simple, and it sounds ridiculous, but that little act can help you get through all this. No matter how much you don't want to, no matter how much you want to just hide, force yourself to do ONE normal thing every day. (whatever normal is in your world )
And when you are ready, know that I'll be waiting on the other side of the light at the end of the tunnel....
with a 2x4
Cat
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Cathi04
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #12 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 10:56am » |
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Hey, Chuck?? It's all good, my friend..........no vibes, just the constant interaction of friends who care so much about you-why, I'd almost do your laundry for you!
Had a nice conv with Carole last month. you're right, she, too, was clueless.or covering for you!
You KNOW what this is all about. The beast will do ANYTHING to destroy. This is one of his tricks.......the name of THIS game is to NEVER, EVER let the beast win-right?
The light is always on, Chuck.......
Cathi
PS-STEPHANIEEEEEEEE??? Check in, please!!!
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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
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The mad viking
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #13 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 11:02am » |
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No words is needed here
Svenn
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Always Look on The Bright Side of Life
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vig
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #14 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 11:09am » |
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we're here for ya bro...
you aint alone
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never, Never, NEVER quit. -Winston Churchill
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Karla
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #15 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 11:29am » |
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I've been where your at and I know how bad it can get. Thank God for your boss and your dr. There is help out there for this and you don't have to suffer forever. Soon you will be the old Chuckipoo running around here. I have missed you. Take care and God bless you.
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Karla
suffer chronic ch
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aprilbee
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #16 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 11:31am » |
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There is ALWAYS tomorrow...only way I get through some days...been fighting depression since I was a teenager...sometimes I feel bipolar...going from extreme happiness and then one wrong word and boom...crying and mad and depressed....there is ALWAYS tomorrow...
my favorite line in any movie is from Broadcast news...she tells her boyfriend that she's never hung up on someone because what if the next thing they said changed eveything...(then she promptly hung up on him), but my point is in your darkest hour, the next hour could bring total clarity to your situation and change everything...
hang in there...we are all here not just for CH but for mental support. it takes a lot to admit you have depression, we are all so strong, yet SO vunerable...
Good luck to you in your treatment...glad you found someone to help, and you KNOW you have hundreds of people here who understand...
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| « Last Edit: Feb 16th, 2006, 11:32am by aprilbee » |
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Charlie
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #17 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 12:04pm » |
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It's good to hear from you Chuck and I hope things are getting back on track. I'm glad that you have some help from your employer and I guess you found a doctor that won't let you get away with much. Good.
We all need something. I was on the way a few years ago but lots of the anti-seizure meds....as well as those so many here take....are anti-drepessants. I wonder about what I'd be like without it all the time. I've been wondering about you too but now I expect to hear from you regularly. It's your CH assignment.
By the way, we don't want a "normal" Chuck, just your old fun-loving self will do nicely and keep after that lovely mug of yours. 
God, it's good to hear from you.
Charlie
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burnt-toast
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #18 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 12:17pm » |
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Ya' sure cover a lot of ground fast - thanks for the update.
Let's hope you can find time to drop back more often and my hopes are that along with your docs. we can somehow help you cope with your depression.
Best Wishes
Tom
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Sandy_C
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #19 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 12:17pm » |
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OK, at your request, no prayers - no vibes.
Glad to see you coming back here. You've been missed. As Pat said, writing is theraputic, so whenever you need a little therapy - just write to us. You know we'll write back.
Sandy
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Lean on me when you're not strong
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I'll help you carry on
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Linda_Howell
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #20 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 12:19pm » |
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Chuck who?
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Kindness, is gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us.
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Peppermint
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Work it out baby!
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #21 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 1:22pm » |
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Damnit, browser went all haywire after I composed my post... maybe it was too much anyway.
Chuck, I'm glad to hear from you, you know everyone misses you. This is tough stuff, and I wouldn't know anything about how you're getting through it, but I think you started off great with this post.
Listen here, that business about that dirtyminded, foulmouth, blah, blah PITA... *I* miss that guy, and I know I'm not alone.
Don't sell yourself short, you have a lot to offer... who else is the offical booby-snatcher, the "PRO"vert, the one who seems to know the cure for stick-up-the-ass-syndrome? Hm?
Stick around, I'm sure it'll get easier with time.... and if it doesn't, use that 2x4 Cat mentioned she'd give you, might lift your spirits to play whack-a-fool..
All my love to you (and prayers so Ha),
Pep
P.S. How is Stefanie, besides being alive? Tell her to get her patootie on here for a min.
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When playing in the gym, beware of steel beams. - M. Amyx
Carve your name on hearts, and not on marble. - Charles H. Spurgeon
FYI - I am NOT a clusterhead.
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nani
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #22 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 1:33pm » |
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on Feb 16th, 2006, 1:22pm, Peppermint wrote:that dirtyminded, foulmouth, blah, blah PITA... *I* miss that guy, and I know I'm not alone.
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Well, I don't miss him too much.
I do however, miss my PITA boss at "the paper".
Listen, butthead (that's my work nickname for him), I know where you are. I've had to claw myself outta that place a few times. Your claws are sharp (even if your mind isn't) and you'll be back to your old self soon. You know we love ya!!! Hugs (and I need a raise), nani
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Others may come and go, but MY power is MINE.
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Cathi04
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #23 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 2:36pm » |
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 OH MAH GAWWWDDD!!!!!!!!!!
I've GOT it!
You simply need to cut your hair, and all will be well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously..no matter how foulmouthed, crusty, grouchy or perverted you are...........
You have friends at the ready, to hit you with sticks, offend you, pelt you with livestock excrement, and love-bomb you-whatever is appropriate........
Glad to see you've opened the door friend, you've been missed.
The Old Hag.....
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Woobie
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Re: Hello, again
« Reply #24 on: Feb 16th, 2006, 4:18pm » |
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