Author |
Topic: Lawyer Humor (Read 177 times) |
|
medic1852
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
This will only hurt for a little while!
 
Gender: 
Posts: 923
|
 |
Lawyer Humor
« on: Feb 4th, 2006, 3:47pm » |
 Quote  Modify
|
I was checking my email and found this little bit of humor in my mail box. I figured I would share it before I scooted off to work. So I hope you all enjoy. Talk to you all in a few days.
Rodger 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the car impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty eight or thirty five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
|
|
 IP Logged |
Shoot Low Sherrif He's Riding a Sheltland Pony!
|
|
|
Richr8
New Board Hall of Famer
It's all about today...
Gender:
Posts: 1396
|
 |
Re: Lawyer Humor
« Reply #1 on: Feb 4th, 2006, 3:56pm » |
Quote Modify
|
ROFLAMAO . You've got to put htis with the funnies.
Thanks! I needed that.
rich
|
|
IP Logged |
pf wishes,
Rich
...because yesterday is history and you never know what tomorrow will bring.
"Med free"- A few seeds and lots of O2-LG but not great.
|
|
|
BobG
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 5747
|
|
Re: Lawyer Humor
« Reply #2 on: Feb 4th, 2006, 4:15pm » |
Quote Modify
|
LOL...
Just gotta love that last one.
|
|
IP Logged |
Stay stressed. Never relax. Never sleep. Ever.
|
|
|
sandie99
New Board Hall of Famer
Wish it, dream it, do it - inspite the pain!
Gender: 
Posts: 10429
|
|
Re: Lawyer Humor
« Reply #3 on: Feb 4th, 2006, 4:22pm » |
Quote Modify
|
|
|
IP Logged |
CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
|
|
|
TomM
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 2006
|
|
Re: Lawyer Humor
« Reply #4 on: Feb 4th, 2006, 4:27pm » |
Quote Modify
|
This is an abomination against lawyers and all of us who sleep with them! 
OK, it's funny as hell!
TomM
|
|
IP Logged |
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I'll go fishing."
--Thoreau--
|
|
|
BarbaraD
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Hugs to ya
Gender:
Posts: 5164
|
|
Re: Lawyer Humor
« Reply #5 on: Feb 4th, 2006, 10:41pm » |
Quote Modify
|
I just pasted that in an e-mail to my attorney. He just loves my "humor"......
Hugs BD
|
|
IP Logged |
What don't kill ya, Makes ya stonger!
|
|
|
AussieBrian
New Board Hall of Famer
Got beer?
Gender:
Posts: 1695
|
|
Re: Lawyer Humor
« Reply #6 on: Feb 5th, 2006, 3:46am » |
Quote Modify
|
All of these, and many more, come from a book I owned many years ago called "Court Jesters" and it was mainly about Canadian courts. I'd love to read it again but I lent it once to often.
One story that springs to mind was the judge thanking an RCMP for his evidence and telling him could now return to his backwater village. "Oh, thank you so very much", said the Mountie and counsel chimed in, "Your Honor, I'm not sure you should be sentencing the witnesses!"
Another judge chose to stand down from a case after asking a defendant, "And how do you plead, Mr Guilty?"
If ever you see it in a second-hand book shop, it's well worth the asking price.
|
|
IP Logged |
Vulcrania horrendus - twice daily, then two at night in lieu of sleep.
|
|
|
Sandy_C
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Burn that bra!
Gender:
Posts: 2585
|
|
Re: Lawyer Humor
« Reply #7 on: Feb 5th, 2006, 1:21pm » |
Quote Modify
|
My fave is the last one!
Thanks
Sandy
|
|
IP Logged |
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
|
|
|
|
|
|
Home
Help
Search
Members
Member Map
Login
Register
Reply
Notify of replies
Send Topic
Print
test rss