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Topic: I need advice - PLEASE help me (Read 1032 times) |
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Sandy_C
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I need advice - PLEASE help me
« on: Jan 19th, 2006, 7:58pm » |
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My youngest daughter, age 28, loves and has been living with a very nice man named Jason, for the past year. They met at work, same company. Today, the management called both of them in to a conference, and proved that Jason, has been doing drugs - Cocaine. He has been suspended from work until he passes a drug test. My daughter had no clue and is devastated, and I'm heartbroken, because this guy was the love of her life. She's learned, through her bosses, that he has been telling her lies, trying to cover his addiction. She has told him he cannot be with her unless he's clean. She called his parents, they drove up and all are now together right at this moment, trying to find rehabs, discussing his/her/their future together. Jason wants help, rehab, he wants my daughter because he loves her, and I do believe this, but, I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. My daughter however, loves him, so I've got to try to be there for not only her, but him.
Sigh 
Any advice for a Mom to give to her adult daughter would be appreciated.
Sandy
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| « Last Edit: Jan 19th, 2006, 8:15pm by Sandy_C » |
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nani
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #1 on: Jan 19th, 2006, 8:31pm » |
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Oh, I'm sorry, Sandy. This is going to be tough on all of you. Addiction recovery is a process, and it is equally hard on the co-dependent. Rehab for him, support groups (or even some individual counseling) for her, possible couples counseling later...
All you can do is be there for her to vent to and lean on. Help her stay strong, she'll need it. And it's usually advised that no major life changes happen until a while after rehab. It takes time to sort out all the "stuff".
Let me know if you need anything, hon. Both my exes were substance abusers... I've done the treatment from her side. hugs and love, nani
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Sandy_C
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #2 on: Jan 19th, 2006, 8:35pm » |
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Thank you, Anita. I knew I could count on you. I'm sitting here, all alone, crying, venting, swearing at this situation, none of which is helping a damned thing. I'm so pi$$ed right now I could actually kill someone. But, I don't know who to kill.
Sandy
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Lean on me when you're not strong
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I'll help you carry on
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nani
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #3 on: Jan 19th, 2006, 8:37pm » |
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Deep breaths... things are going to work out. 
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Sandy_C
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #4 on: Jan 19th, 2006, 8:39pm » |
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In - out - in - out.
I'm working on it
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Dave_Emond
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #5 on: Jan 19th, 2006, 8:49pm » |
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Hi Sandy,
In serious pain right now, but will try to offer some advice, if I can.
Sounds like Jason recognizes his problem since he's willing to let everyone in on what's going on.
If he's "just" using cocaine and hasn't graduated to Crystal Meth (usually the next step) he still can beat this. Your daughter and family shouldn't back off with support just yet. Of course he lied, very common. He doesn't want to lose your daughter and family. Most likely he does want help and he deserves a chance.
I've beaten both cocaine and meth myself years ago, on my own, but it was the recognition of how it affected my life, my job, family, etc.
It won't be long before everyone involved with him will know just how serious he is at getting clean.
He must start now before it leads to more serious drugs and more lies. No immediate reason to lose love for him, in fact, that would only lead to more damage to him and everyone else.
My humble opinion: Be there for him and your daughter. If he can't follow through after considerable effort, it would be best for your daughter to get away. But, at least give him a chance first, everyone deserves at least that.
Prayers are with you all,
Dave
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Kevin_M
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #6 on: Jan 19th, 2006, 9:03pm » |
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on Jan 19th, 2006, 8:49pm, Dave_Emond wrote: Sounds like Jason recognizes his problem since he's willing to let everyone in on what's going on.
If he's "just" using cocaine... |
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Understandable Dave but he wasn't going to let anyone in on what was going on, and he didn't. He got caught because it was more obvious than he recognized. His boss let HIM in on it and then Sandy's daughter let his parents in on it, he did neither.
Despite risking his job and girlfriend, he did it anyways and would have continued, so it had a grasp stronger than job and girlfriend, no surprise.
There's no half measures, Jason decides.
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| « Last Edit: Jan 19th, 2006, 9:07pm by Kevin_M » |
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thebbz
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #7 on: Jan 19th, 2006, 9:07pm » |
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Sandy,
I have done meth to abort CH. Not a good thing for any use. Coke is the same. Quit crying. You deserve better. Lying to people about drug use is one thing. Lying to yourself is another. Dope  I wish I could do more. I will offer this. This is your brain on drugs  and  Like I said I wish I could do more. It has ruined more than one life.
jb
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alchemy
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #8 on: Jan 19th, 2006, 9:16pm » |
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Sandy I've done both meth and coke to deal with ch's. When you're on this shit you lie to everyone especially yourself. You never know how bad you are until someone points it out. I am clean now and have felt the sting of peoples attitude towards me, because they fel noone can clean up their act well they're wrong. let him try to prove to you guys he's serious if he isn't it won't take long to find out. hope this helps a little. sorry for your pain. jim
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Ree
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #9 on: Jan 19th, 2006, 11:00pm » |
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Your daughter sounds pretty smart to know she can't be with him til he is clean. Tell her to stick to her guns... and all you can do is sit idly by... shes a big girl... Love to you honey. It's not easy being us is it... Ree
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fubar
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #10 on: Jan 19th, 2006, 11:09pm » |
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Speaking from experience... Be supportive, but not to a fault. An addict will always be an addict. Some will stay clean, but they are few and far between. I wasted 15 years of my life trying to deal with my ex-wife's addiction issues. I wish I had cut bait a LONG time ago. She is still out of control to this day. She has lost her job, her home, her family, her friends, her health, her dignity. It will never end with her.
I hope this guy can be one of the few.
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zwibbs/Scott
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #11 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 12:43am » |
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Hi Sandy. Sad news. Perhaps their company did you a great favor. In this day and age being addicted is so very difficult. There is a saying that being addicted to Coke is God's way of telling you that you make too much money. Once an addict , always in your blood. Your daughter has to make a very difficult decision here. I am praying that her love just might be enough to have this young man stop the addiction. Then if he does--she must watch his every move as well as the bank account.GOOD LUCK.
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sandie99
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #12 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 2:45am » |
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Sandy,
quite a situation... I'm sorry for all of you. I've been lucky not to deal with addicts myself, but a dear cousin of mine has. And that guy didn't change no matter what he promised her.
I'm the optimist, so I do believe that people can change, but when there's a drug addiction in the picture, you and especially your daughter should be careful. For her sake I hope that things will work our for the best. It's horrible to learn something like that for someone you love...
I'm sure that there are lots of books written about the topic, but one came to my mind: Marian Keyes' novel Rachel's Holiday. It's fiction, but it tells a story about an addict. The novelist herself was an alcoholic, so she knows a thing or two about addictions.
Let us know how things turn out...
Best wishes,
Sanna
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Melissa
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #13 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 7:23am » |
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Sandy, I am so sorry for your daughter... that is a very tough spot to be in. BUT, I agree with what Kevin M. said.
And to add to it, my step dad admitted (ADMITTED) to my mom that he was doing cocaine. Because of everything we went through after that, it was, and is, still very hard to trust him. I think once such skeletons get out, you can't ever trust them fully again. 
That is just my experience and if you have any questions or want to discuss anything further, please PM me.
hugs,
mel
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PollyPocket
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #14 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 7:24am » |
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Hi Sandy, I'm really sorry your family is going thru this. Just my opinion here, from experience:
Your daughter needs to stay strong FOR HERSELF first. And she is absolutely right that he needs to clean up before they can be together.
I spent nearly 15 years with an alcoholic, who was only sorry and repentant when he was caught. I believed him and supported him thru his "I'm gonna change, you'll see" bullsh*t. And each time he continued to drink, hide his drinking, then when the truth came out, guess who was to blame? ME.
So more and more drinking, more blame and rage toward me and this spiraled out of control until I had no self-esteem or strength left.
Your daughter can and should support Jason while he is going thru rehab, IF he is legitimately trying. But I can assure you, most addicts/alcoholics are quite convincing liars and will say or do whatever it takes to look like angels.
But your daughter needs to put HERSELF first here, and you need to support HER. (mine didn't and told me I wasn't doing enuf to help my ex or be a good wife!)
Again, just my opinion formed thru many years of hell.
Peace to you,
Jen
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Carl_D
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #15 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 7:45am » |
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First off, I am sorry your family has to go through this.
The road to recovery from addiction to cocaine, meth, crack and heroin can be lengthy. In fact, alot of addicts who go through rehab, once they get out, usually backslide within the first few months if not weeks.
If he is serious about getting help, then I would give him a chance and all the support possible. However, if he starts back up after rehab...
There is only so much you can do. The rest is up to the addict. They have to WANT to get clean and STAY clean, and nobody can do that for them - they have to do it themselves.
Proof that drugs don't just destroy the lives of a user, but everyone around them.
Peace,
Carl
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MJ
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #16 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 9:47am » |
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Sandy
Addiction no matter the drug is not a pretty thing.
I myself have a very addictive personality but have allways been able to pull back from the edge.
For informational purposes
Bill Moyers of PBS has run some in depth reporting on addiction, it's causes and treatments. Frontline also has reported in depth. I have followed these stories closely, as addiction has risen up amongst my family and friends a few times.
A more recent study shown which I cannot find has shown through brain scans to completely remove the desires for cocaine with one individual using the drug Baclofen.
These links can help in the education of addiction.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/drugs/buyers/treatment.htm l
http://www.pbs.org/search/search_results.html?q=addiction+cocaine&bt nG.x=5&btnG.y=6
I hope for yours and your daughters sake that his needs can be overcome. Addiction is much like our need for food when we are hungry. So recognizing that an addicted person is not a bad person is the first step in helping.
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MJ
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Mark C
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #17 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 11:24am » |
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Having a little experience in this area I would like to share one of my favorite passages from the program that saved my life.....we do recover.....
We Do Recover
When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? There seems to be this alternative: either go on as best we can to the bitter ends—jails, institutions or death—or find a new way to live. In years gone by, very few addicts ever had this last choice. Those who are addicted today are more fortunate. For the first time in man’s entire history, a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts. It is available to us all. This is a simple spiritual—not religious—program, known as Narcotics Anonymous .
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Bob P
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #18 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 11:44am » |
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I'm a recovering alcoholic (15+ years sober) and just look at what a fine fella I am.
Shut up Hub!
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nani
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #19 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 11:50am » |
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She was looking for hope and encouragement, Bob! Sheesh. 
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Bob P
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #20 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 12:20pm » |
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One thing that has to be understood is that nobody is going to force him to sober up. He will only do that when he wants to bad enough.
On my 40th birthday, I sat on a bar stool at the Avila Beach golf course with a beer in front of me. I just finished 18 holes with 5 of my buddies while nursing the worst hangover you can imagine. I knew if I drank that beer I'd be dead. I asked God to help me. He reached down and grabbed me by the shirt collar and yanked me off that stool. We left the drunk Bob P sitting on that stool and the sober Bob P has never craved a drink since.
If he wants to, if the price of being not sober is high enough, he will find a way.
BTW - clusterheads have about the most addictive personalities I've ever seen. They drink too much, they smoke more than the average in the population, they get addicted to message boards, etc., etc.
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| « Last Edit: Jan 20th, 2006, 12:21pm by Bob P » |
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Mrs. Barlow, I never, and I repeat never, ever pissed in your steam iron.
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Cerberus
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #21 on: Jan 20th, 2006, 9:39pm » |
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Been down that road... kicked it on my own, took big brass balls to face the demons you see when you aint got/cant have a fix and admit some of the shit you did to get one.
That being said... I ain't got much else to add, however, should wish to share it, I simply have to wonder, how this "revelation" came to pass in the first place? Methinks someone is jealous or simply can't mind their own business or is there legal stuff involved?... in either case, bad news.
'Bus
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minnie
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #22 on: Jan 21st, 2006, 1:24pm » |
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Sandy advice i don't have.I haven't had to deal with addicton at all and am very thankful.I know I've lived a very sheltered life wish I could do the same for my girls.Educating them is the best we can do.It's a scary world and sometimes the danger and troubled both hide themselve good.Please I hope this is coming across right.you have a mix of experience and advice here.All I can say is everyone in volved will be in my thoughts and prayers.I hope he can beat the addiction and be everything your daughter needs him to be.
innie
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thebbz
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #23 on: Jan 21st, 2006, 2:56pm » |
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BTW - clusterheads have about the most addictive personalities I've ever seen. They drink too much, they smoke more than the average in the population, they get addicted to message boards, etc., etc. 
I couldn't agree more.
jb
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Sandy_C
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Re: I need advice - PLEASE help me
« Reply #24 on: Jan 23rd, 2006, 9:48am » |
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Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences and advice. I just got back last night after spending the weekend with my daughter and Jason. Needless to say, it was not a very pleasant experience. He goes in to rehab tomorrow for his evaluation, and will be treated on an "intensive outpatient" basis, with three hour meetings four days a week - don't know for how long. My daughter has taken control of everything - his keys, his bank accounts (which are at zero - doh!), and his life. She will put enough gas in his car to get him to and from rehab, and from work, should he be lucky enough to get his old job back, or get a new job. She will be making spot telephone calls to his cell phone, and if he doesn't pick up, no matter where he is, he will be gone. She has recruited other friends to watch him, keep tabs on him when he's out of her sight. She cannot ask his parents for help because it's becoming very apparent that his mother is an enabler. When he couldn't pay his bills, he contacted Mom and borrowed from her. At one point, she refused to give him any more money because she felt "something was up", yet later, when again he didn't have any money to pay his car insurance, my daughter talked to his mom and authorized his mom (who works for his insurance company) to put his car insurance on my daughter's credit card. If mom had red flags, why in the Hell didn't she alert my daughter!!! And his mom tells my daughter that Jason needs my daughter's support right now because he's sick, and won't get better without her help. This is true he won't, but his mother is relenquishing all responsibility to my daughter. My daughter is pissed, and so am I.
Anyway, that's where we are today. And, to top everything off, I get home last night and get a phone call. My boss had a small stroke yesterday, so everything is in an uproar here at work. I've averaged about three hours of sleep every night since Thursday night, my nerves are shot, I can't remember when I've ever been so angry. But, I'm hanging in there I have to - my daughter needs me.
I'll try to keep you posted on how things are going. Please say a prayer for my daughter, and for Jason.
Thanks for your support.
Sandy
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Lean on me when you're not strong
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