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Topic: The South (Read 300 times) |
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Redneck
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If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these rules:
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get the hell out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards.
It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there. And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.
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bigAl
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Live long and prosper ... \\//
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Re: The South
« Reply #1 on: Apr 22nd, 2005, 7:35pm » |
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Damn Redneck, havin' a bad CH day? 
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>>>------- >>>------- >>>------- Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
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Ghost
CH.com Alumnus
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Farting relieves the pressure
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Re: The South
« Reply #2 on: Apr 22nd, 2005, 7:55pm » |
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Need to post this on the convention thread so that every one coming to dallas knows the rules.
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Illigitimus Non Tatum Carborundum
If all men are endowed by their creator, why was mine so short sighted?
***WARNING*** Oxygen will rust your pipes!
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sandie99
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Wish it, dream it, do it - inspite the pain!
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Re: The South
« Reply #3 on: Apr 23rd, 2005, 2:12pm » |
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CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
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TonyG1
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I know the rules... N.C. here
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Jeepgun
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BOHICA!!!
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Re: The South
« Reply #5 on: Apr 25th, 2005, 8:09am » |
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I know the rules too. California transplant, living in Tennessee, and you know what? I like it here. 
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Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
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thomas
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"Hit like a phillips head into my brain."
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Re: The South
« Reply #6 on: Apr 25th, 2005, 11:37am » |
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on Apr 22nd, 2005, 6:30pm, Redneck wrote:
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
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Religion and sex are powerplays. Manipulate the people for the money they pay. Selling skin, selling God, the numbers look the same on their credit cards. Triptans cause rebounds. Learn it, believe it, live it. I use triptans as the absolute LAST RESORT when treating my CH.
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Zephrah
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"Unto everything, there is a season"
 
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Re: The South
« Reply #7 on: Apr 25th, 2005, 1:05pm » |
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i'm from Oregon and living here in Kansas confuses me! Why must there be gravy on everything??? 
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Redneck
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White gravy, red gravy, brown gravy, yeee hawwwww.
and don't fergit the Tony's 
edit: still can't freaking type 
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| « Last Edit: Apr 25th, 2005, 7:42pm by Redneck » |
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bigAl
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Live long and prosper ... \\//
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Re: The South
« Reply #9 on: Apr 26th, 2005, 7:43am » |
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on Apr 25th, 2005, 1:05pm, Zephrah wrote:| i'm from Oregon and living here in Kansas confuses me! Why must there be gravy on everything??? |
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The gravy covers up the taste of bad cooking,...
and the extra salt in the gravy, well that covers up the bad tasting gravy.
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>>>------- >>>------- >>>------- Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
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