Author |
Topic: Employee Memo (Read 315 times) |
|
Langa
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
So many donuts, such little time...
Gender: 
Posts: 4179
|
 |
Employee Memo
« on: Apr 1st, 2005, 3:47pm » |
 Quote  Modify
|
Dear Staff,
SALARY
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
|
|
 IP Logged |
When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
|
|
|
Jeepgun
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
BOHICA!!!
Gender: 
Posts: 3840
|
|
Re: Employee Memo
« Reply #1 on: Apr 1st, 2005, 4:42pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Let me guess: Walmart, right?  
|
|
IP Logged |
Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What, like, in the FACE?"
Her: ..... "WHAT is the MATTER with you!?"
|
|
|
Langa
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
So many donuts, such little time...
Gender:
Posts: 4179
|
|
Re: Employee Memo
« Reply #2 on: Apr 1st, 2005, 4:45pm » |
Quote Modify
|
on Apr 1st, 2005, 4:42pm, Frank_W wrote:| Let me guess: Walmart, right? |
|
|
|
IP Logged |
When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
|
|
|
jokrs2
New Board Old Timer
Eventually He will make us pain free!
Gender:
Posts: 480
|
|
Re: Employee Memo
« Reply #3 on: Apr 2nd, 2005, 2:57am » |
Quote Modify
|
Hey! Ya get what ya pay fer  Wish I was employable 
|
|
IP Logged |
Given strength, courage & a sound mind!
|
|
|
vietvet2tours
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Team MOOSE DROOL Stinky Stuff on a Hook Prostaff
Gender:
Posts: 1499
|
|
Re: Employee Memo
« Reply #4 on: Apr 2nd, 2005, 2:27pm » |
Quote Modify
|
I couldn't pass the piss test at Wally's.
|
|
IP Logged |
Kill em all let God sort em out
|
|
|
sandie99
New Board Hall of Famer
Wish it, dream it, do it - inspite the pain!
Gender:
Posts: 10429
|
|
Re: Employee Memo
« Reply #5 on: Apr 4th, 2005, 3:19am » |
Quote Modify
|
|
|
IP Logged |
CH happends, Live anyway! PF days to us all!
"Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Leave your heart wide open and always wish for the best" (Sanna Hillu)
"No matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible" (Marketa Irglova)
|
|
|
|
|
|
Home
Help
Search
Members
Member Map
Login
Register
Reply
Notify of replies
Send Topic
Print
test rss