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Topic: Redneck - Twas the Night Before Christmas (Read 940 times) |
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burnt-toast
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Redneck - Twas the Night Before Christmas
« on: Dec 23rd, 2005, 8:11am » |
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Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirrin', cept dem' lice on muh back.
Dem' tater sacks wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nick soon would be there.
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
Ma in her nightgown all stained by fruitcake,
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out by muh fire pit, such a loud noise I heard,
That I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,
But tripped on dem' parts from muh granny's transmission.
The moon shinein’ bright had dem' dogs all barkin',
And lit up dem' back seats with couples out parkin'.
When what to muh beer fuzzy eyes did a’creep,
But a 4 wheel drive Chevy, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a bearded ol’ driver, long hair back real slick,
I knowed right away, it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than race cars dem' wooly sheep came,
And he belched as he hollered, and called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS!? On ELMER!? On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
To the top of dis shack to dem-air’ garbage cans,
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!
When I heard a loud thud on the roof of muh shack.
I set down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, near killin’ my dog,
I swear ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a tattered T-shirt with a flag on the front,
And his jeans were still bloody from that morning's hunt.
The big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
made me forgit’ about shootin’, he ment us no harm.
His eyes, were real glazed from too much Wild Turkey,
And from the side of his mouth hung a nice stick of jerky.
The butt of a Marlboro clung tight to his lip,
and a dog chain hung neatly from wallet to hip.
He had a red face and a hairy beer belly,
T’was almost as big as muh ex-wife Shelly’s.
He was gap-toothed, maybe I.Q. of three,
And I laughed cause that made em’ much smarter an’ me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce nod of his head,
drove a mouse from his beard that rund' under mah bed.
He reached in his sack, from his smoke took a puff,
then filled all dem tater sacks with neat Nascar stuff.
When his sack was all empty and he had no more,
He stumbled and fell, right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!
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Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
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