Author |
Topic: Night Before Christmas (Technical Version) (Read 448 times) |
|
Gator
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender: 
Posts: 4556
|
 |
Night Before Christmas (Technical Version)
« on: Dec 10th, 2005, 2:35pm » |
 Quote  Modify
|
Twas the Night Before Christmas
*** The Technical Version ***
Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period receding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including the species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With this ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alarm predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, Now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost clerity and via a downward leap, entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts, soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of the carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflectant luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus Avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supra labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tubular columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.
His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me risibly frolicsome, despite every effort to refrain from being so. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid, and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported coth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn!"
Author Unknown
|
| « Last Edit: Dec 10th, 2005, 2:37pm by Gator » |
 IP Logged |
|
|
|
Kevin_M
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
withered branches grow green again.
Gender:
Posts: 6184
|
|
Re: Night Before Christmas (Technical Version)
« Reply #1 on: Dec 10th, 2005, 3:11pm » |
Quote Modify
|
I can just see the story's illustrations looking like an architect's blueprints.
I was nodding out by the second paragraph, the sugarplum fairies quit dancing and called it a night too.
no wonder the author left it as "unknown".
A Lawrence Welk Christmas Show is looking better now.
|
| « Last Edit: Dec 10th, 2005, 7:20pm by Kevin_M » |
IP Logged |
|
|
|
Melissa
Guest
|
|
Re: Night Before Christmas (Technical Version)
« Reply #2 on: Dec 10th, 2005, 8:58pm » |
Quote Modify
 Remove
|
As soon as I got to the word "diurnal", I skipped down to read what Kevin wrote. 
btw, WTF does diurnal mean anyway? Is that like some dude saying, "where is diurnal, I gotta take a leak"???
hmmmm
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
burnt-toast
New Board Hall of Famer
Gender:
Posts: 1686
|
|
Re: Night Before Christmas (Technical Version)
« Reply #3 on: Dec 10th, 2005, 9:24pm » |
Quote Modify
|
Jeesh...
An I thought the Lawer Lawyer written version was tough sledding for old St. Nick.
Tom
|
|
IP Logged |
Would the owner of the propane torch, egg beater, pipe expander and vise grips please claim these items. They're lodged in my head and I need the space.
|
|
|
Jonny
CH.com Alumnus
New Board Hall of Famer
Give me a shovel Ill dig my own grave!
Gender:
Posts: 26213
|
|
Re: Night Before Christmas (Technical Version)
« Reply #4 on: Dec 11th, 2005, 2:43am » |
Quote Modify
|
Santa is a junkie this year....LOL
And a drunk.....LMMFAO!!!!
|
| « Last Edit: Dec 11th, 2005, 2:55am by Jonny » |
IP Logged |
It is up to YOU to educate yourself and then help your doctor plan your treatment. If you just sit down in front of your doctor and say "make me better" you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain.
- Guiseppi
|
|
|
Melissa
Guest
|
|
Re: Night Before Christmas (Technical Version)
« Reply #5 on: Dec 11th, 2005, 10:34am » |
Quote Modify
Remove
|
Those poor kids!! Makes me want to take them into my arms to comfort them...poor things. 
Damn Santa's need REHAB!
LOL
|
|
IP Logged |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Home
Help
Search
Members
Member Map
Login
Register
Reply
Notify of replies
Send Topic
Print
test rss